In a chat with a friend recently I commented on how in my life I have put others down in an attempt to make myself look/feel better as I perceive it. Why would I do this ? Why make another feel like shit ?
Because I feel like shit myself - misery loves company, as the saying goes,
To take the heat off me, because I would do it to be seen by those that were putting me down as cool as I believed in my minds eye.
I see/ realise and understand how I was very young - but none the less it’s no excuse, because to do it now doesn’t cross my mind, but what is left is the guilt of how I behaved and the deep regret of how others became the brunt of my pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that I need to put others down to feel better about myself
I forgive myself that I have created a belief that I am less than another and because of this try to make another feel small like I do as a form of punishment/blame towards them for how I am feeling
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the deep regret that comes with my actions, instead of seeing/realising and understanding how I can’t undo what is done and by holding on to the regret I am punishing myself like I punished them as a form of self sabotage
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of when I was nasty to xxx in front of others in an attempt to get them on side and see me as one of the gang
I forgive myself that I have fostered a belief that I am less than others and because of this I have to show that I am worth something as I see it in my minds eye
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as regret because I was not being a Self honest.
To be Continued...