I read a story on Facebook where a man wanted to leave his wife, because he ‘found happiness’ elsewhere - they had a fairly young daughter and in all the time they had been married had no real issues as such, in that they liked each other and got along well. This woman asked the man to give her seven days to show how great the relationship could be again, if he were to just give it a chance, he did and they stayed together.
Now after reading this I was ‘happy’ For them but at the same time experienced a kind of ikyness - ( I have no other way of describing it) but my initial reaction was ‘gee girl don’t show your vulnerability to this man if he didn’t want you !!’ In this moment I realised that I was dealing with my own reaction to my own vulnerability and how I am at times afraid to drop my guard and be vulnerable, to truly accept who I am and love and care for me so that I can truly be vulnerable and show others how much I love and care for them without fear.
I see/realise and understand how I hold back and don’t really open up at times and how I ‘go along’ with what others expect of me - especially in romantic relationships, but this one reaction to this woman’s story in this moment allowed me to ask myself ‘do I fear being vulnerable?’
I have had a few romantic relationships and my first serious one was quite physically abusive and being quite young (under 16) shaped me in many ways as a people pleaser, but also someone that sees loving another deeply as shameful and open to abuse, so I held back!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see loving another as frightening and I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see this kind of behaviour from another as acceptable and within this I must deserve it in some way....
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as me that I am there for another’s pleasure and that my own doesn’t matter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself second and to not really open up about what I would like or enjoy in relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that love stories ‘iky’ And that the woman should ‘man’ up - without actually seeing realising and understanding how this reaction is a self reaction to how I taught myself to ‘man up’ and be strong and not let my guard down for fear of being hurt myself.
To be continued...