I have three beautiful children. At the time I got the news Vincent was 6 years old, Julianna was 2 years old, and our Jay was still in my belly. I went in for my 20 week sonogram to find out the exciting news of whether we would be expecting a boy or girl. It never crossed my mind that we would receive any other kind of news. We found out we were having a boy and we also found out he had duodenal atresia, atrial septal defect, ventricular septal defect, and possibly Down syndrome. My husband and I left the sonogram numb and in disbelief.
We were told our son had a 35% chance of having Down syndrome because duodenal atresia and heart defects are common with this syndrome. For days we prayed about it and we both had the feeling he did not have Down syndrome and the 65% chance he didn't seemed more the likely outcome. We decided to go ahead with the amniocentesis to find out. Three weeks later we got the confirmation that our son did have Trisomy 21 also known as Down syndrome. I laid in bed for 2 days and felt sorry for myself, my family, and our son who we would name Jay. I was angry at God for having the feeling he did not have this syndrome and how could he answer my prayers so wrong. I had thoughts that my life was over. I would be taking care of a child the rest of my life. What kind of life would he have? What did I do to deserve this punishment? I was angry at God for putting Jay and our family through duodenal atresia, ASD, VSD, and Down syndrome. Why couldn't he just have two things wrong instead of four? I also had the thought that maybe he would not survive and relieve me of this burden. I had many thoughts that weekend that I am not proud of and that I look back on and realize how childish I was being.
After a couple days of laying around in bed I decided to emerge out of the agony of thinking my son would not be my version of perfect. I started doing research and my sister-in-law got me in touch with the Down syndrome connection and another sister-in-law sent me the book, "Expecting Adam."
After receiving a few phone calls and e-mails from other parents of children with Down syndrome and reading the book I started to realize just what a blessing these children can be to one's life. The dark cloud was moving on and I started preparing myself for the journey ahead. I look back on that weekend and realize I had to grieve for the loss of my "normal" son and the life I wanted but now realize God always has a plan and it's not always what we expect. I was thrown a curve ball and I realize just how lucky our family was to be chosen to receive this bundle of joy named Jay. I know look at it as a blessing not a punishment. I often ask God, Why me? How could you entrust me with such a great blessing? I can't imagine a world without any Jay's. I really wish Down syndrome wasn't so scary to the unknown. That is the point of this blog. To bring light to these beautiful souls so no parent has to go through the thoughts I went through. My hope is that parents will look at it as the blessing it is.
