I am grateful you chose to share this. So many days this has been my "today." Your refrain of "not today" is hopeful as it implies another day will come, and it's worth hanging on for it. Thank you for deep and beautiful writing that feels honest and true.
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I did feel hopeful whilst writing this. And it was interesting given I also felt very stuck in the midst of something I didn't want o be in. Like being in, or aware of, two distinct states of mind at the same time. One present with me, one lingering around trying to get my attention.
Thanks for your feedback and assistance. It was a gentle push in the right direction just when I needed it :)