Hello there! I'm Paul. Nice to meet you.
I'm currently a 43 year old father of 4 children. I am a lone parent and have been for around a year and a half and the majority of my children are old enough to cook their own food nowadays. I used to be a Registered Mental Health Nurse, however I am no longer due to the hypocrisy I found and the sheer work load that takes you away from the act of caring you actually trained for. At this time of writing I have been an Ashtanga Yoga practitioner for over 3 years and I meditate daily.
My aim here, is to help you expand your mind and provide lots of hints and tips to get you through the matrix of your mind and your experiences. I have crashed many times and sought help from others who helped me finally see what is real, what is truth and what I needed to do to improve how I interacted with my world.
I want to be that person for you. Why? When you have something of value that can lift someone else, it is your responsibility to pass it on. So here I am.
Why are my words worth reading? Why do I think my content will be valuable to you? This is bit where I give you some back-story, like the superhero movies do. An origin story, if you will. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.
I am told by my mother that upon my arrival into this world, my brother, who was nearly 5 years old at the time, despised me. So he took it upon himself to attempt to destroy me in the only way a child knows how. So every chance he got, I would be the target of some violent act of one kind or another. My parents failed to protect me from him for their own reasons, of which there is no need to go into here. My extended family were also from the school of violence and every example I could hope to emulate obviously resulted in maladaptive behaviours which usually resulted in an aggressive outcome.
So over a period of 15 years or so I learned that the world was quite a cruel place and that I must adapt to survive. It appears that I became good at being more aggressive than anyone around me. This is was what kept me safe. This is what gave me some control over my life.
I now recognise that this was a psychological survival mechanism which served me well at the time. I was not aware that I would drag this skill set with me into adulthood. I was not aware that such a skill set would have the potential to destroy me.
Oh it destroyed me, ha!. Many times over, but I learned and I made some changes. I did some research and started to make real positive alterations to the way I interacted with my universe. For the first time in my life a began to find 'my' feet. This little break in the normal pattern turned out to be very short lived.
Again, I find myself saying that details are not required here, but a bigger tragedy was about to happen to both me and my children. This tragedy I speak of, was so painful, so overwhelmingly all consuming, that all I yearned for was peace in my mind, or death. One or the other. And peace was not going to come in the post. Peace was not going to happen by itself. Death was a real and available option and only around 3 minutes away.
I can actually remember looking at the clock and just trying to fathom the amount of time before bed, the amount of seconds and minutes that I must endure before I could have a break from the pain and maybe get some peace.
Those are the moments that death looks like an attractive option. I knew that my children needed me to be strong, but I was falling faster every hour, day by day. My words can never truly give them enough credit for how they have played so bravely with the cards they were dealt with. They are the heroes in my life. The strength of my children will astound me forever. This tragedy happened to them too.
Alas, there I was, trapped between existing in this reality and drowning in a swamp of pain. So if dying wasn't an option I would take, then I had better find another option.
A quick sidestep here. You hear those people on TV, you see them on social media. Those spiritual people who had an epiphany moment. When in a spontaneous situation they attained some view of enlightenment and suddenly the pain was gone. They immediately saw the 'Universal Truth' and now they spread the 'word'.
You see the memes stating to just 'Let go', or to 'Be in the moment'. Another good one is to 'Trust in the process' or to 'Align yourself with the universe'. I'm not saying that these statements are not true, but on their own, by themselves, what do they help you achieve? Other than to alert you to the fact that you're not doing very well in that bit of life, they teach little else.
It seemed to me that these bites of wisdom were useless to me by themselves. How the hell do I just align with the universe?! How do I live in the moment?! Where is my moment of truth?! When do I get my certificate of enlightenment?! When does 'My' pain cease?
Back to my point. Epiphany moments do happen. I had mine. It's just that you don't know it at the time. In the actual moment, in 'my' actual moment, it was one of the worst moments of my life. One of them.
There was no 'feel good' moment. No 'things are going to look up' moment. There was no inspirational music and I didn't stand up with my chin high and my chest out. I wasn't surrounded by loved ones who were cheering me on and the montage music didn't play either. I was totally alone and I was utterly broken. A human mess, with very good reason. Enough reason to desire nothing over something.
But now I know that at that moment, things changed. It's not until you look back that you can see, from that moment onwards, you were never the same person again. That you changed. That you're different now.
Change merely occurred because I hit rock bottom. Death or life. Sink or swim. Stick or twist. It's lucky for me that I decided to roll the dice another time and see what happened. Thankfully now, I type these words with living hands.
Now don't go and thinking 'where is my moment of clarity?' today, or any day for that matter. I would prefer my pain to have not been so 'painful' and I would have much rather learned to dunk my head in the proverbial cold water without such darkness. I tend to believe that those moments are reserved for the most stubborn.
My 'moment' did not give me any extra wisdom nor deep insight. I didn't commune with God and I didn't get any spontaneous bouts of stigmata. The process only served to teach me one fundamental thing. The 'thing' I discovered is this: 'I do not know how to do 'life'.
It was as simple as that. I even spoke the words to myself exactly as I have stated. At that very moment I gave in. I gave it away. Whatever I was carrying, whatever the pressure was, the bags I lugged around, I absolutely absorbed the truth that I simply could not do life. I also knew, by default that I didn't know what the hell I was going to do about it. That was my epiphany moment. I don't ever want one again and I would never wish that upon anyone: and yet I am truly thankful for it. Strange...
Like I said, I had been dabbling for a short time before the 'tragedy' with 'self improvement'. At the time I was seriously overweight with about 25 plus years of diagnosed depression and anxiety. I had been on the battery of anti-depressants for decades with no improvements in my well-being to brag about. I still felt utterly worthless with superficial breaks in which I would fly high with positivity, only to crash like a Zeppelin in a ball of flames whilst everyone around me runs for cover.
To summarise; Only one thing led to my psychological downfall or rebirth dependant upon your point of view. And that thing was 'pain'.
So how does a guy who doesn't know how to do life, actually do life?. I dove into learning from those who claimed to know. I chose my teachers wisely. I used every resource within my reach. After some time I picked up a few tricks about managing my mind and keeping the demons away. The 'tragedy' I spoke of, is still ongoing. It will be a long time yet before it's a horrible memory. But I did something. I began to swim, I began to thrive. I noticed that this new information was beginning to change my views about how I, the little old me, had interpreted my world according to my experiences. That is the key here. I learned that my early experiences actively influence my current interpretation of the world around me. But, that does not mean that my interpretation was or is true.
As I said, my challenges are still with me and they will continue to test me, but onwards I go and I hope to pass a few tips and tricks to you along the way.
Now with that said let me put something very clearly. I like a pint or 3, I swear/curse (I'm trying to stop), I get angry, I cry, I nearly always want to skip exercise (but I do it anyway), I sneak junk food into my mouth thinking my belly hasn't noticed and I poop brown. I'm just a normal English guy who went through something pretty bad and I learned a few things. Things that saved me and my family from a very dark place.
I will do my best to make interesting, relevant and engaging content that I hope, will have a positive effect on your relationship with your life. You only have to test it out, let it rattle around your brain and digest it for yourself. Everything I share with you will be practical and test worthy. No faith is required here. I guess you suck it and see.
So lets start with this little nugget; Your brain is not your friend. Boom!
The Buddhists call it the monkey mind. Why? Because just like the monkey it rarely sits still, jumping from one thing to another, seemingly without a moments hesitation or pre-thought. The monkey is restless and it is fundamentally afraid. It is nearly always compulsive. It grabs at whatever it desires and consumes it. Do you see any similarities here?
The human mind has an awkward characteristic that the animal kingdom seems to be free from. The concept of time.
By this I mean that only humans normally cultivate and respond to the idea of the past and the future. We must acknowledge that the past has gone, because it is not happening now and cannot be in existence. Therefore, we must also acknowledge that the future does not exist, due to the fact that it has not happened yet.
'Now' is happening right now. There can be nothing else other than now. We all live in one long moment of now. There is never anything else. Even if I remember the past, I'm actually remembering it now. If I think of the future, I am thinking of it right now. The feelings that are generated by thinking about future and past events, good or bad, I will feel them right here, right 'now'.
Unless there is an immediate threat to your well-being or your existence, it must be said that largely we suffer in the here and now because we cultivate undesirable thoughts from the past or an imagined future.
The monkey mind works on auto-pilot. It's not unusual for many of us wake up, eat, drive to work, do the work, drive home, turn on the TV and watch 3 hours of our favourite shows. We turn on the game console until late, then we go to bed and repeat.
Yet when we review the day, it seems to have been utterly boring and still the hours slipped by as if we were never present in the fist place. We can't remember the actual acts in any detail. We just know we did those things due to the vague memory of it. And woven throughout the many minutes of our day, those thoughts were producing feelings of which we were scarcely aware of.
To improve how we interact with our own individual worlds, to improve the quality of our experience here, we must first become aware of what our monkey mind is up to. We must review his job description because this compulsive, and unreliable employee might be sleeping on the job instead of working for you.
Try this on for size! Practice a few times a day for a week or so, just taking the time to check in with yourself. Really try to assess how you actually feel. Ask yourself things such as: is my mind racing along on auto-pilot? What are my thoughts right now? Do I need to be thinking of this right now? Is it useful to think of such things right now? Can I put this to one side and enjoy the moment? Who am I with? Am I giving this person my full attention or is my monkey employee running the show again?
Check out your environment. Have you actually looked around? What can you hear? Is your hand in contact with something? Can you feel it? Are you actually absorbing your reality just as it is, or is the auto-pilot on? The question is always some form of 'Are You here right in the now?'. Practice, practice, practice!
Of course our minds must engage to get through our tasks of the day. We have things to manage and people to care for, bills to pay and conversations to be had. There are problems to be solved and people we don't like. There are debts and check-lists and TV and pets and all the other innumerable things we must deal with. But when each thing is managed and dealt with, always check back in. Check back into you. Switch off the monkey and give yourself some space. Some peace.
Every time you notice that the monkey is driving, that is you doing the 'noticing'. That deserves a congratulations to yourself every single time. That is progress happening right there! You catch the monkey red handed and you then take the wheel. Bravo!
It may be the case that your monkey has been behind the wheel most of your life, so the little ape will probably be an expert. So when you catch the scamp again, give yourself a pat on the back. Your boss skills are getting better!
It takes a lot of mental energy to do this. Your monkey will no doubt run the office like... well, like a primate for most of the time, but remember that this is a practice. The mind acts like a muscle and the more you use it, the stronger and more efficient it will become. The more 'you' will show up, the actual you and not the rapscallion wearing a mask that looks like you.
The better at this you get, the longer the real you has centre stage. The authentic you will come forward far more often and you will begin to see that you and your mind are two separate things. You and the monkey are not twins. You and your thoughts are not the same thing. The more you practice just noticing what your monkey is doing, the wider the separation will become.
This is the key to understanding who you actually are. This is the key to understanding what you can control and what you cannot. This is the beginning of responsibility. Being able to respond rather than being reactive and a slave to any undesired feelings that your thoughts produced. In turn, this will allow you to take action that has been approved by you, the boss and not the monkey.
This is 'being in the moment'. When you are fully aware of your thoughts, your words and your actions, you are embracing the 'now'. It is irrelevant whether or not the moment is pleasurable. You can state to yourself that you are here, now. You have fully arrived and you are able to respond. To be response-able.
I will expand more on this theme in a later post, but for now all there is to do, is to notice that mischievous head ape, give yourself the best boss of the year award, then steer the vehicle yourself. Treat it as a little personal game and keep it light-hearted. Have fun with it. Why not? It's your game. It's your head and it's your rules.
If you got this far I would like to thank you for reading my first post. I intend to post regularly whenever the inspiration takes me, which is quite often. I aim to make an accompanying video to each post, just to fatten out the subject matter in more than one format. One may work better than the other for you as an individual. I ask that you please bare with me as I learn to produce better quality video's. It's a learning process and I'm a beginner.
I hope that this will be an interactive and reciprocal experience. I aim to be honest and no doubt I, myself will be both high and low throughout this journey as I respond to my own trials. I will always be the student and therefore I hope you will come along and learn a few things with me.
Again I thank you.
Paul Jackson.
Here's the video!
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