"We have ZERO level of control and influence over our past."
I was told by a coach during my company training. Everyone else seem to agree. However, I've decided to challenge this statement.
At some point, I agree that we CANNOT change our past, or what has happened. But I do believe we have full control on how our past has influenced us. My experience has showed this door to me.
When I was 16
She was known as Hui Peng. A brilliant and lively high school student, surrounded by a group of close friends. She is thriving. She was the class president, class treasurer, President of the Librarians, a school prefect and a first-aider. She was trusted by her teachers. Her school life could be what others have wished for. However, Hui Peng had a dark moment during her high school.
As innocent as she was, she fell in love with one of her senior, a fellow librarian. Perhaps she became a librarian because of him. This senior of hers is a tall man, around 180cm, wearing glasses, spikey hair. Somehow she has a fetish in glasses. Most of her crush wear glasses. This senior was no exception.
Hui Peng is a brave girl. She believed both guys and girls should take action if they want to win the heart of the other. She mustered her courage and told her senior "I like you!" Her senior smiled and asked her "I like you too. Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" Hui Peng's face was brimming with joy and nodded many times. That day was Hui Peng's first experience for being "in love".
They've started going home together, eating lunch together, going for movie dates. Things were progressing well for both of them in the first 2 months. Then something critical happened.
Both of them were hanging out in a shopping mall on a weekend. Hui Peng and her senior were going down the escalator. Her biggest fear came into reality. Hui Peng saw her sister at the end of the escalator, shopping with mum. Almost instinctively, Hui Peng turned to the other direction. She fought desperately with the escalator, running to the upper floor. This senior is supposed to be a secret, and she plans to keep it that way. Hui Peng didn't had the chance to grab her senior and run. All she managed is to run by herself.
The next day, her senior said "Let's break up. This is not gonna work out." At that time, Hui Peng didn't possess the ability to question or negotiate, she just accepted the fact and cried. Her senior hung up on her and left her alone, crying.
Because she was so used to having someone by her side, she was seeking that kind of comfort level. Seeking the feeling of having a boyfriend again. The worst idea crossed her mind. She has decided to "use" the other senior, whom she knew has been secretly had a crush on her. By manipulating his feelings, she was "using" him like her ex-boyfriend. Hanging out, watching movies, eating together.
But soon enough, the other senior found out that Hui Peng didn't really liked him, left her as well. Hui Peng again was left alone. Thank god she still has her friends.
One year ago
I have always wished I can change this particular past of mine. I was really shameful of telling this to anyone. It's like the darkest secret of my life, something that I don't want anyone to know.
I was afraid to be alone anymore. I had this desire to seek someone out just so that I won't be alone. I was seeking for someone to fill my love tank.
I was guilty of having hurt someone for my selfishness. I have manipulated a man's feelings to fulfill my own desire.
I was beating myself up for having taken that turn and run up the escalator. Things wouldn't happen this way if I confronted my sister and mum with my senior.
At this point, I had 2 choices.
Choice 1: To carry the fear, guilt and disappointment for the rest of my life.
Choice 2: To learn from this experience, grow from it and be better.
With my emotions and thought process, choice 1 was definitely the "easier" path. I don't need to do anything and let whatever happens. I can live with it.
But, is that really the best choice? Do I have only these 2 choices?
Somehow, a third choice emerged. I've decided to carry and learn from it. So that it'll serve as a reminder that I will never, ever and ever again repeat those mistakes.
At Present
I'm actually grateful that my past relationships went those ways. Thanks to them, I'm flourishing in my current relationship. Those events that I've learned from are beneficial afterall, in making me a better partner.
What was Tifa trying to say?
Anything and everything in the past are permanent and unchangeable, but you always have a choice to choose how they'll influence you.
Will they limit you or delimit you?
Will they drag you down or push you forward?
Will they chain you or release you?
The choice is yours.
Small Daily Practices is Tifa's mission to invite you to live an extraordinary life. She is not an expert, not a coach, not certified but learning is constant for her. She shares what she has learned in hope that you live your version of extraordinary life.
You will find her past works on Simple Daily Practices below,
Why did she started this?
STOPWell written post.
Hui Peng was still young, so her insecurity and reliance on others to fulfill her life is acceptable at that age.
Fear of being alone is similar to many phobias, we all have our phobias and some are more severe than others. I am no psychiatrist or physiologist. But one way of conquering your fear is to change the definition of being alone.
Firstly, you can be in a train station surrounded by five thousand strangers and still feel alone. Or you could be in a house party with your closest friends and still feel lonely.
Secondly, in this day and age of digital world, we connect with others in many different ways, be it social media, instant messaging or phone call, we can easily connect with others and be with others from the comfort of our smartphone.
However, if you have the fear of being alone because of a traumatic experience (such as kidnapped), then it may be a better idea to seek professional help.
Hey @orangila, thank you for reading :)
Yea, I agree that the definition of alone is subjective to people. Pretty sure it's their past experiences or people's influence that defines what "alone" is.
But now, being alone is a not a bad thing. It became a place for me to recharge when I am alone. So I need some time to be alone also.
Traumatic experiences are scary... so far I have none, not as severe as a "trauma". You're right, need professional help d.
Thank you for sharing your piece of thought :)
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