Let's face it ladies, men can be annoying. They throw fits when they don't get their way and always want to be in control of things they know nothing about - like us ladies for example. But we're no better either, unless we can be in control thinking we know what's best and all that, excluding the thoughts of our men, and in the process dis-empowering and undermining their attempts to be the head of our household. WE NEED TO SHUT OUR MOUTHS AND LET THEM TALK!
My friend who is married was discussing the tension in her household between her husband and two children. She's a very powerful articulate women who's use to being in charge and dolling out advice, telling you what you should do and when to do it, if you get my meaning. She has a problem with the way her husband communicates with their daughters, shouting inappropriately, calling the girls names and blaming HER for the divide. I get it, she doesn't like the way he speaks to the girls. However, I long suspected that her husband may be feeling dis-empowered by her siding with their daughters, especially in his presence. This can lead a man to feel like he has no authority over his daughters, and in turn it gives the girls permission to be disrespectful and ungrateful to his place and contributions as a father.
Listening to my friend relay the details of the dysfunctional relationships in their household, I explained she needed to take a step back and look at why her husband may be acting up! 1) when siding with our girls we send a message to the man of the house that he is not important, he has no say, he is invisible. 2) Don't beat up on the man of the house because he doesn't communicate with you in ways that you think is appropriate, ridiculing and belittling him for doing so in front the children. 3) the man of the house has the right to express and conduct himself in ways that we may not like (not with violence), SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LET HIM TALK! 4) when the man of the house feels he's not getting here (the family), what he's getting over there (the mistress), don't blame him for wanting to feel loved and wanted and more importantly, RESPECTED by someone who spends time listening, comforting and acknowledging the man of the house .
Final thought..
Ladies, we need to listen more and talk less when the man of the house has something to say. He may not see things the way we do, but he as a view which should be respected irrespective of whether we agree with it or not. Wanting to be right all the time (the man of the house can get this wrong too!) is not only exhausting but is revealing of someone that is controlling, dominant and ignorant of the other person's views on the subject. Keep your children out of it, it's none of their business in your relationship, don't make them right when they might be wrong. If you want him here, and not over there, confirm his value not his invisibility. LET HIM TALK!
Pictures: Image
Taken from J Law memoirs [March 2018)
Good points, although I cringed each time I read - "Man of the House"
I think for me all of it comes down to relationships where no one wants to compromise. Your final thought says it well and can be applied to a lot of relationships, friendships, work-relationships as the big thing is people who can't listen, think, then act within measure then they try to gang up and I said it is not about roles but I do think there is a sense of hierarchy or even better diplomacy.
I have only once in my life had to actually yell at someone out of frustration and never again, I have since then not found a relationship situation where I can't just leave it be and play the long game instead, maybe I learned that from my gran since she was a bit of a psychological breakdown artist - with a belt. lol
Hey @penderis! I agree with you, the sentiments expressed can be applied to other relationships, and yes it seems no one wants to compromise. It's interesting that you "cringed" each time you read 'man of the house'. I don't know whether you're male or female but many women have a problem seeing men, or the man they're married to as the 'man of the house' which he actually is, (hopefully there isn't any others!!..ha!ha!). It doesn't mean he's superior or anything like that, it's simply a matter in our gender roles, we see, hear and feel things differently.
I suppose our social conditioning can make it difficult to listen when all we know, given our histories, experiences and backgrounds, to attack, protect and defend, and yes we can take on habits from the people around us, I can relate to that, which isn't always good habits as you point out!
Thank you for your insightful comment. Peace.
Thank you for reading my post on your search to verify my gender, glad you figured out I am a male, I am also the same dude in my avatar if that helps - it does not, I just like my avatar.
I cringed because of the negative connotation I associate with that phrase, which is maybe odd since I would not cringe at "Woman of the house" which probably means I have the same issue as anyone from the 1940's and their backwards way of thinking about female "duties", I agree that it is our gender roles that give us these identities and this is just a fact to accept, the ying-yang of domestic life, it does not mean you have to be that gender though just for anyone that might be reading this from the peanut gallery.
You have made me think that in the end that being "the man of the house" can not only be used sarcastically to enrage or belittle but also to just mean "anchor".
Looking forward to more posts with your refreshing take on things, since to be honest the internet seems to have lost its marbles and everyone has Snowflake Tourrets yelling out they found a marble and a shitty part of an idea the guy marking down the marbles name them according to the shitty part of an idea and since the marbles are all jumbled up as they come in the list becomes a manifesto for people who clearly don't understand a good unscramble puzzle when they see one.
P.S I am part of the BuddyUp discord community and if you ever want to check it out you can drop in and have a chat - Our Discord SafeLink post here
Haa!haa!.."anchor" indeed! Thank you for the invite @penderis, I'll drop by and check you out. Peace.
This was interesting, although I am not sure I agree with the one of the message. I preceive this post as blaming your friend, the woman, as the one 'causing the trouble by emasculating her husband. If there is any trouble, the blame could go onto two ways: the communication, or the society and gender stereotypes, evident in your writing.
Some men do have fragile egos, yes. Not everyone is good at everything, and not everyone accepts that. I know you say that women need to listen to men more, but, at the same time, the men have to speak up more. From personal experience, I know that a lot of men like to stay silent and struggle alone, without wanting to be perceived as wrong or weak - and this is at large a societal issue not a family's.
Furthermore, there is always going to be a problem if you look at a husband and wife differently, as a man/woman of the house etc. That language belittles the person to just one role, and when they do not live up to the role's expectations, there is more trouble. It is much better to consider the other person as a partner. A crime partner, a business partner, whatever - you are both equal. You have to take the heteronormative gender words out to truly value the other as an equal.
Hey @poetrybyjeremy! Thank you for your response, however I'm not sure what to make of your comments. Having another point of view isn't about blaming, I'm sure you can appreciate there is a lot more to this story than mentioned in my post, so let's not jump to conclusions. I see you make the point that men have to speak up more - I think they try to but they have learnt to shut up and put up with behaviour that if their female "partner" were males, (I'm not referring to gay partners) they would deal with it differently, maybe use language, verbal and non verbal that only a male would understand. I don't see a problem by referring to the man and woman "as a man/woman of the house" because that's their position, not their roles. I would argue we are different and are not equal (the man has a penis and the woman has a vagina - get it!)
Hmmm..I don't think society see our roles as equal, we don't have equal pay, equal rights etc., but if you mean the male and female roles are equal in the home, I'd say that's a subjective view. But that's my view, and I respect your right to have a say on the subject. By the way, have you thought about writing a piece on the man/woman gender roles? It seems you've had good/bad experiences in this area which us ladies can learn from. If ever you decide to, I'll be happy to stop by and offer a point of view. Peace.
I am not saying you are blaming your friend, but the tone of voice does give that off. It is probably a cultural difference between you and I, so what you are saying and what I am reading are somewhat different.
I know, in any relationship, it is better to target the 'communication' or the 'relationship' as that is faulty, rather than the man or woman. Unfortunately, sometimes you can do your best to make your partner feel at home and feel loved and so on, but that does not translate to fixing the issues.
In our societies, the roles aren't really equal, but our speech and behaviour continues to reciprocate that. In my society, I know that mothers are seen like they are necessary to nurture a child, and that brings resistance to women working. Some mothers are made to feel guilty for having a career, because they think that if they become housewives, they would be better mothers. With these ideologies, then, at home, the mothers will see themselves as more important than the fathers, and the fathers will reciprocate that thinking and will feel left out. Luckily, I was grown in a household where my father did the laundry and cooking and cleaning whenever he could help out, although he did work, so it still was my mother's main role (she had quit working because she loves taking care of family). As someone who is gay, I realise how flawed the gender roles are. Some people would think a mother is necessary for a child to grow up, but then how do single-fathers do it? And gay couples too - scientifically, research shows that they are equal. Then, males are just as capable of being great parents, and what we need to tackle is gender roles in society and attitudes.
It definitely would be an interesting post to write, although it would have to be months from now - got already too many planned posts haha. And as penderis suggested, do drop by the BuddyUp discord; I found your post through the #post-spot there ;)
I think you make some valid points, I'll look forward to you writing about this in the future! Oh thank you, I'll stop by. Peace.
AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: @penderis/poetrybyjeremy, I must say I've really enjoyed this debate, your honesty and perspectives have given me food for thought, I thought it would be the ladies pointing their fingers..ha!haa! But it just shows how wrong we can be. Thank you. Peace.