Definition
/ˈkəːvbɔːl/ noun
- in baseball. A delivery in which the pitcher causes the ball to deviate from a straight path by imparting spin.
- informal. Something which is unexpected, surprising, or disruptive. - Google dictionary
Image source: Pixabay
I am obviously not referring to the first definition in perspective to life. There are simply too many things that happened since the last I posted, and I am not even sorted out on which should I share first, as they are all equally touchy. But today, I will try to write one brief overview on life thus far, and how I plan to stand up against the forthcoming challenges.
Note: Whatever I'm sharing here are raw family issues, which I feel to each family out there, you have your unique struggle. My writing this would hope to inspire the young rebels to think a step further before saying anything to your family, and to parents too, that maybe. Just maybe, your children are battling the same giant in their heads. This is not a post of condemnation. Chill.
Sub-part 1: Granny
I suppose both of us are living in symbiosis, where both of us feed of each others' mutual benefits. So, that's what ecology taught me when I was younger.
Table of comparison between me and granny in re symbiosis.
| Characteristics | Me | Granny |
|---|---|---|
| Feels alone/lonely | Yes | Yes |
| Wants or have independence | Yes | Yes |
| We know we have each other's back | Yes | Yes |
| We are the one ones each of us can trust | Yes | Yes |
| Keeps each other in check | Yes | Yes |
I've shared before in the past about Granny Scare incident. I did a follow up check with her to IJN last month at long last, and things did not go as planned on my end. It resulted in her utterly pissed and me crying and driving close to 360km that day.
This has to be a story of its own.
Sub-part 2: Mother & Sister
On Sunday, my church in Seremban was organizing this "write up for mommy" and my friend asked, "You wanna write something about your mom? You just have to answer a few questions. The first question is 'What makes your mom special to you?'" I just could not answer that. It isn't because she is not a significant part in my life, she is, despite the fact I did not grow up with her.
I felt that both mom and sis have chosen not to put me in their priority list of late. Because well, mom is a retiree. Heck, she wants to enjoy her life, no? Sis is on her final year of studies which again, she's busy and doesn't have time to catch up. Me, on the other hand is busy with Malaysia markets at work. I should be getting myself occupied with many tasks.
Prima facie, this sounds just right.
It isn't okay.
I don't want my mom to be a dispensary, where I only get her attention when I am in trouble. My texts we not replied. And for long, she did not seem to be bothered. The one time she genuinely cared for me was when I have gone silent for close to 6 weeks. When I forwarded her my schedule, she acknowledged that I am now a busy man. I called her the next day, asking how is she now enjoying life as a retiree. That was the last I ever spoke to her. I felt that she no longer has time to reply to texts, that she's got other priorities in life now considering she has everything else sorted out.
So, what makes my mother special? I really can't think of something memorable when I feel bitter about things like this.
After a tiring day today, I tried speaking to her which I doubt she understands what I feel, because she always had her mother by her side and she always had her siblings - till death do them apart. I have come to a point that I am feeling my efforts don't seem to commensurate. I ended my message by saying, "I am sorry that I am not good enough as your son. I pray that sister will be a good daughter to you, and your son-in-law take care of you."
To my sister, which she never bothered texting me or asking how have I been, where her priorities are always about short term work-related tasks instead of looking into long-term sustainability and relationship building... She only replied, "I'm busy with assignments. Will see how (if we can meet in future)," when asked about when can I meet her. Today after speaking to mom, I texted her, "Take good care of mom and yourself. Don't worry, I'm not dying. I'm just going away."
I am tired building bridges when the other side is reluctant to be connected.
I gave up, at long last.
Sub-part 3: Father
As the family's sole breadwinner, he was always occupying himself with work. I grew up devoid this father figure, and having grandpa to substitute, until I was 10. However, I am thankful that I did not have trouble understanding "God the Father" in my walk with Christ. As you all have heard in my previous posts, he left when I was 15, to the UK with my stepmother. Ten years since, I could tell he's trying to mend the bridges he once burned, and I can tell too, he is remorseful for the decisions he's made in life. I have forgiven him for the hurts he did to me growing up, and even until now. But I too, have moved on from this chapter of pain. It is surely not easy, I would say. I imagine this situation to be my Goliath.
NOTE TO SELF: Forgive, and move on. Learn to live along the fact that sometimes the ones you think dear to you would not even consider you to be dear to them. Things are often times not as good as you imagined them to be. They do not wish to confront. Breathe, spread peace, move on. It is true that one should not burn all bridges, but at times, you have to make a tough call to burn those which don't show their appreciation to you. I do mean it when I say tough call.
So, back to the Bible. It says, "Honor your parents," of which the word HONOR (kabad) refer to the sense of the weighted honor. Or as how AMP version describes as respect, obey and care for them.
I would. Not because so I have a long life. But because I can, for Jesus first loved me. I would not be like those you read on the news, abusing my mom because I did not get much love from her, or forsaking her and my sister. That is not my nature, and God forbid I be one.
How do I plan to stand against forthcoming challenges?
As gung-ho as this may sound, I don't know. In fact, this is the only part in life where I say, "Que sera sera" and most importantly, "I'm going to walk with God through this."
I like it how my lead pastor shared about Psalms 23:1-4 (NIV).
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
The rod and the staff here is referred to how a father disciplines his children, yet to David, he finds comfort in the Lord's correction. So will I too, live according to this scripture, believing that God makes me restful and directs me according to His will for me. I will not fear when I walk through the darkest valley, because His staff will guide me. I may not see, but I can still hear the voice of the Lord.
SO, BACK TO THE QUESTION, what's the plan?
Trust God.