The news has been full of stories over the past few months, one public figure after another credibly accused of mishandling the women around them. Juxtaposed against this epidemic is the mockery heaped on Vice President Mike Pence due to his policy of not being alone with a woman who was not his wife. I've always thought that not only is VP Pence politically wise, he's exemplifying a safeguard for his marriage that has been dangerously devalued.
When my husband and I first met, I remember one of our first emails dealt with the subject of being together.
I believe in being together, I wrote to him.
He wrote back a day later, sounding a little skeptical. What do you mean by "together"? Because I like to have a little privacy in the bathroom.
I knew then that he was a special man. He didn't start by saying he wanted to have guys' night out with his friends or a hobby where a wife wasn't included.
Spoiler alert: when you live together all the time, you may forget to keep the bathroom off limits. Oh well.
We discussed the idea of being together for a while and it eventually became an important foundation of our life. For us, together is a verb. It's also a philosophy we have to work constantly to protect. Because it's easy to grow apart. It only takes a little peg to split a giant tree trunk. Little separations become big ones and big ones destroy marriages.
Coming To Convictions Together
When I was little, I remember my mother remarking that something she had always hoped for in her marriage was that she and my dad would never come to a major conviction separately. It made quite an impression on me because I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have one parent think something was really important and the other disagree. I was thankful for their togetherness.
Whoever I married would have to be someone that I could not only follow, but live with completely. Learn with. Make lots of little decisions with, not just big ones. Talk easily with. Live normal everyday life with. I needed to trust the road he was walking because I intended to walk every step with him or I wouldn't get married. The specter of the happily married couple who simply drift apart was something I dreaded.
Starting Out
Before Ben and I decided to get married, one of the tests we put ourselves to was doing everything together. I went to work with Ben. He did yardwork at my family's rental houses with me. We would be together from the time we got up until he left for home at night. We learned very quickly that we were ready to commit to spending that time all the time. We liked living our lives together. It was also easy to recognize each other for who we really were. It's hard to keep up pretenses when you spend that kind of time together.
How's That Working Out For Us?
The longer we're married, the more vital we recognize this commitment to be.
When we're physically together, we tend to focus on the same interests, hear the same news, be involved in all the same little things that shape a life. Our experiences are deeply intertwined. It creates a closeness of thought that makes the ability to communicate easier. Above and beyond the obvious safeguards against things like emotional separation and infidelity, it's made us live OUR life instead of lives that overlap here or there.
If we have a day when we're apart, it's amazing how difficult and time-consuming it is to try to describe to each other the things that happened; if we were apart every day, at some point I think we'd stop trying because it would just take too much effort.
A Disagreement Doesn't Have To Be A Fight.
People who know us have occasionally asked, "Do you ever fight?"
No.
Disagreed? Well, sure.
But when we disagree, we come into agreement quickly.
Decisions are based on a totality of experience and a step-by-step understanding of a situation that is much easier to agree on if two people have been walking that road together the whole time. There is huge advantage to having seen and heard all the same things, to have been part of the first beginnings of a thought instead of playing catch-up when it's grown into a fully developed opinion. To have hashed something out in a dozen small ways during everyday life instead of having to reach a Big Conversation where two people try to put the progression of a deep conviction into words. That's often when fights happen, because spouses cannot see where each is coming from and the frustration this causes is real and damaging.
Miscommunication: Humanity's Curse Since Babel
Miscommunication is such a common difficulty in marriage that it's a stereotype, the stuff of sitcoms and self-help books. Being together as much as possible is one of the ways we have chosen to give ourselves the best chance of overcoming this relationship-killer. It's not always easy to do - sometimes it would just be easier to do things separately, and there are certainly interests we don't pursue because they don't lend themselves to togetherness. Having small children adds another layer to this maintenance since there are just things we can't do or can't do together because someone has to take care of the kids. When Ben has to visit a manufacturing facility as part of our business, we can't take three toddlers and a baby inside. Sometimes it doesn't even make sense for us to sit outside and wait. But if it even remotely makes sense, we do even these kinds of things together.
Together Is Good
As I type this, Ben is sitting next to me browsing through various articles and reading pieces of them to me as they catch his interest. I'm reading him bits of what I'm writing to get his feedback. The house is quiet and the kids are all asleep. And this is our normal life. Tomorrow we will get up together, do some work-related errands together, tend to our children together, talk a lot and probably read together as well. I love our marriage. I love our time together. It's worth every bit of effort and sacrifice that goes into making it happen.
Thanks Lauren for such great insight. We love to watch your lives. We missed having You’ll for Sukkot.
Hey Scott, good to see you on Steemit and you're welcome! I'm adding you to my following list now so I don't miss anything you're up to around here :-)
I really enjoy getting little glimpses into your life as well (good for you guys with the elderberry syrup sales! Great idea!). We sure missed being at Sukkot this year as well; and who knows, the opportunity might come up again some time when I'm not too pregnant to be making the trip.
Hey, @lturner I am a curator from the new Whaleshares Curation Team. I have selected your post to be presented in a live curation discussion on Tuesday 26th December. Your post will be awarded a 25 Whaleshares vote on the night. I do hope you can come along and spectate. The event will be held in The Curation Lounge on the Whaleshares server. Hope to see you there!
You can check out this post for further info: https://steemit.com/steemit/@nikflossus/the-seventh-whaleshares-curation-show-with-nikflossus-23-00-gmt-or-6-00est
Hello Linda - I just discovered this reply on this post! Right when you selected this was a few weeks after I had our fourth child and I'm finding there were some things that slipped through the cracks on Steemit, including this generous presentation. Thank you so much and I'm very sorry I did not participate at the time. I'll check into the Whaleshares project!
No worries! It is hard to turn up for a lot of participants as we are all over the world and for some(like me) the curation event starts in the middle of the night!
I loved your post as it is a nice take on relationships and even though I need a little space for myself, I do agree that it is essential to do as much as possible together! It takes work and I admire you for being ready to invest yourself in such an amazing commitment!
Best wishes :)
Hi @lturner, I just stopped back to let you know your post was one of my favourite reads and I included it in my Steemit Ramble. You can read what I wrote about your post here.
If you’d like to nominate someone’s post just visit the Steemit Ramble Discord
I'm not yet married but I agree with what you're saying. THere's a chinese saying that, women are scared of married to the wrong husband, and men have the fear of choosing the wrong job. I find this really true, I rather be a monk that end up living with someone not suitable for me. I can see that you guys are obviously doing well. I can see that glowing light of happiness just from your smile :) It's great that you guys found each other. I wish the best for you guys.
Yeah, I was pretty scared of marrying an unsuitable husband - Ben was sure right away that he was ready to marry me but I had to gain confidence over a few months that I was ready to commit to be his wife. I've always wanted to be married but knew I'd be way better off single my whole life than marry someone unsuitable - and that's saying a lot because of how much I hoped for a family! Thank you for the good wishes.
Yeah waiting for the right one is definitely a time-consuming, most patient things to do. But waiting also gives you the time to know a person more thoroughly. You'll see the true person when you spend long enough time with him/her. You definitely did the right choice. So should everyone. Don't let impatience take the better of you and end up with the wrong one. And some is unlucky enough to end up in home violence. Love your post! Keep up the good work :) You made me self-assured that patience is a virtue and a thing to hold on. I hope my wife will say that to me too one day. Mature together solve problems together, and never leave each other..
Thanks for sharing your encouraging story. I have been following @ironshield for a while now, but now today I am following you as well! Shalom!
You're welcome and thank you!
I think that the couarge to get vulnerable is important in a relationship. Looks like you found a keeper
Did I ever! Even when he springs surprising thoughts on me, he's a wonderful man.
I know that when I get married, I do want that. I don't want to say "how was your day today?". I want to be part of one whole, doing things together. I really appreciate seeing how you both love being together and doing things together because not only is it beautiful, but it gives me hope that it's not only possible but there in front of me. Togetherness needs to be tended, I think, and there can be great pleasure and reward in the tending. Lovely.
The risk is enormous but the reward is more so. Keep hoping. Hope is a belief that something exists. I keep hoping for you also.
Great article. It is important to be together with your spouse. We do a lot (almost everything) together here in Panama. There aren't too many other options! But even in Texas, we did a lot of stuff together. Working from home, homeschooling and having lots of young kids kind of makes that necessary! ;) It is true that we must watch out for not being together - causing a separation. None of us are immune to divorce. Thanks for putting together a great article!!
Thank you and you're welcome!
I've been thinking this over for a while, between the news stories and @mericanhomestead 's Jamie writing about how she's been 100% on board with making off-grid homesteading work in their family (https://steemit.com/homesteading/@mericanhomestead/experience-from-an-off-grid-woman-an-american-homestead). She mentioned how she's had people tell her they wished their wives were willing to do what she was doing and she's puzzled by that and I was thinking the thing that makes her (and other wives like her) special is that they are actually side-by-side with their husbands, sharing their convictions and making their ventures work together. From what you've written, you and your husband seem like similar people, where life is a "together" effort, not separate lives overlapping now and then.
Yes, that is very true for our lives. I will have to check out the post you mentioned! At one point (I just posted about it today), I was VERY against moving to Panama. Furious that he even wanted to. But through various circumstances, Bible studies I was in, etc., God began to work on my heart and I began to see that we would be in this together, our whole family. I wouldn't be alone out there and continuing to stand and say that I wouldn't move was making our marriage miserable. Now, we are usually pretty happy together. And we do a lot of stuff together - even not fun stuff like moving boxes and lugging five kids through an airport at 2am. ;)
Lol...no, the lugging kids at 2am isn't fun...but if you're together, so much can be overcome. I'm glad you were able to come into togetherness - that you and your husband didn't split apart but were able to work through and share conviction.
If Ben were to announce he wanted to move to Panama, I would be extremely disconcerted and I don't know where the emotional swing would go from there. I think I'd be scared and I wouldn't want to leave my family and it would really test the commitment of leaving all others to follow him. Especially if I hadn't been along the road of the thought process getting him to that decision. Who knows if a challenge is coming like this in my future - I hope not, but I have no idea what the future brings. I hope whatever it brings, Ben will bring me along in his thought process and not just spring the idea on me fully formed! Ouch!
I have had a struggle with being ready to go some places Ben has wanted to lead but he hasn't yet tested me this strongly. May you and your husband be blessed in the road you're walking together.
Lol - thanks for the reply. Yes, we've heard stories of people moving who were not really together in the decision and how it basically destroyed their marriage. I have a friend here now actually who is separated and she can't return home because her husband won't leave and won't let her leave with the kids. It's really sad. Yeah, my husband (also named Ben) had brought up moving in the past, but I blocked him out, so he just started doing his own research. At the point he told me about it, it was to open up the conversation, but I was still being stubborn about talking about it for months! When the time was right, it actually felt good - I just had to give myself permission to be okay with moving. It was easier to say that there was no way I was going to move, do that to my kids/family, etc. than to actually consider how life would really be that different if we moved. It all seems so weird now to think that I KNEW it was not going to go well, but it has been really good so far. It's so good that you guys are strong and on the same page. It's a blessing to live life together! I can't imagine the alternative...
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Nice to meet you.i need your vote okay
Hello @josidoe: it looks like you've just joined and are interested in being part of the Steemit community. That being the case, here something to keep in mind: if you've just met someone face to face, you don't ask them for the contents of their wallet. It's the same with Steemit - asking for votes is similar to asking people for money and is best done when you have a real relationship with them. Keep reading and commenting and posting good stuff and people will vote for you all by themselves and that's how you grow and become successful! Welcome to the platform and I hope you become another great content provider.
I don't know what is happening this days, the rate of divorce is so high. Until we understand the fundamental problem and we solve it. May God help us
As marriage is devalued, as we become more and more convinced that the only way we'll be happy in life is to tend to ourselves and not someone else, as being "happy" is considered more and more the only aim of life...divorce will continue to climb. May our Messiah come soon...