Reading the file from the Johannesburg Child Welfare Society is like a horror story.
When he was just 2 years old, in fact one week after his 2nd birthday : 'The father has disappeared whilst out on bail with 3 charges pending against him. The mother has also disappeared with the father and she took one child (the eldest, a girl) with her. The abovementioned children (Brian and his 2 older brothers) were at the Lady Buxton Home but they are unable to keep them any longer. St Michael's Home is prepared to take (the two older brothers) on retention orders pending a court enquiry. As Brian is too young for St. Michael's Home arrangements have been made for his detention with a Mrs Smith (I have changed the name) on retention orders pending an enquiry.'
The assessment
Father's whereabouts unknown, he has a long criminal record, and several warrants out for his arrest. Mother's circumstances unsuitable for the children's return to her care, she is unemployed and has a small baby, and no sense of responsibility towards her children.
So when he was 2 and a half years of age - his brothers were placed in a different Children's Home, and Brian was committed to the care of another couple.
Just before his 3rd birthday the Child Welfare ordered that all three brothers be returned to the custody of the mother under the supervision of the Child Welfare Society. Less than a year later she abandoned all five children with their grandfather and disappeared. Grandfather had 6 of his own children so was unable to support them.
When Brian was 4, he was placed in Johannesburg Children's Home with his sister and one brother, while the older brother was sent to a Boys' Home and the baby was left in the care of his mother. Mother was supposed to make a home for her children, she was trying to divorce the father and marry someone else with whom she was already cohabiting. However, she never kept in contact with her little children … the father never visited them, and mother only once that first year.
When Brian was 7, his future foster family applied to take him for a month's holiday over the Christmas period. From then on he spent most holidays with them, and they wanted to adopt him. His mother refused to sign consent although she had no interest in him or his brothers.
Excerpts from a report when he was 9 years old : 'Brian is a disturbed child … his contact with reality is poor … does not relate to adult figures … gets on well with other boys and is good at soccer … coping well at school … disobedient … stubborn … still uninterested in his mother and prefers to remain at the Children's Home … very close to his foster family.'
At age 11 he was transferred to the Boys' Home where his two older brothers were, and although he excelled at sport and photography (winning equipment and trophies which the Boys' Home kept), it was the beginning of a downward spiral of drug addiction and rebellion. His father suddenly appeared after more than 8 years, kidnapped him and his one brother, then abandoned him in a strange city in the care of a prostitute who took care of him. He was eventually returned to the Boys' Home.
He lost contact with his siblings for more than 10 years. His youngest brother who had always lived with their mother eventually committed suicide in his early 20s. When Brian and I met and eventually married, there were no in-laws on his side … we had no idea where any of his family were. A chance meeting between our friends and a half-brother Brian didn't even know existed from his father's other relationship, reunited Brian with his two older brothers and his father.
They eventually traced their mother, and she is now in constant contact with them although she doesn't show much interest in their lives, or in her grandchildren. They had a brief reunion with their sister, but she prefers to keep her distance.
Brian survived his tumultuous childhood, conquered his drug addiction, established a relationship with the Creator, has a thirst for knowledge and enlightenment. For 25 years he has run his own graphic design/advertising business, although it is a constant financial battle in our struggling economy.
Did the system fail this family? Could more have been done to help the children remain with their mother, unstable as she was? Hard to tell … what do you think?
All images courtesy of Pixabay
The system seems to usually fail these children. You would think that when they take them away from parents that are neglectful or abusive, that they would be able to offer them something better.
But sadly it seems that most of the time these children are just as neglected or abused within the system.
And it is even more terrible when the parents are good parents who desperately want their children and love them, yet the system deems the parents not good enough so forcibly remove the children from the parents and place these children in awful circumstances where nobody loves them.
So yes, the system let your husband down.
It would appear that his mother and father let him down first, but the system didn't offer proper 'care' either.
Thank-you for sharing part of your husband's experiences in foster care.
Thanks for reading this @canadian-coconut. I always thought the system let them down by not making a firm decision in the beginning to find proper foster homes for them, alternatively helping the mother with state money to set up a home where they could be together. Instead it was back and forth, which is emotionally destructive. The foster parents Brian ended up spending his holidays with were his salvation in my opinion, as they showed love and wanted to adopt him. He remained in contact with them until their deaths, and is still in contact with his foster brother who lives in Georgia, USA. I didn't go into detail about the Boys' Home, where he suffered all kinds of abuse.
Being a preschool teacher, I am very careful of calling Child Protection Services unless I genuinely fear for the child. As you stated, sometimes good parents fall short in their eyes, and this needs to turn around so that the parents are empowered. Blessings.
That's so sad. I'm sorry that he had to go through all that. It sounds like he got the short end of the stick in a lot of ways. I'm glad he has been able to overcome so much and that he has you to help him now. :)
He is still a pain in the behind, but we've come through a lot together! I must admit when I met Brian and first heard the story I was devastated, and when my son was born I probably smothered him as I couldn't bear the thought of such a tiny human going through such trauma. Thanks for reading his story.
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This post was upvoted and resteemed by @thethreehugs. Thanks for your support of @familyprotection!
Thanks so much @thethreehugs, there is nothing more important in this world than family.
No there isn't!! Except ourselves..
I think it is useless to send children back to a parent who does not care about them. In this case both parents did not and this had nothing to do with age. There was no click no love (not every mom has those feelings and it is a good thing to recognize and accept it just like we do with men who can simply walk out).
CPS did a bad job. If unwanted children can be givrn a good home at young age by adoption or a good foster family why put them in a home, separated from siblings, keep trying with a parent who is not able to give what these children needed most?
You're right @wakeupkitty, about being given a good home at a young age with a foster family. It would help the child to develop a sense of stability. Being abandoned and separated from siblings/parents is terribly destructive especially for such young children and if there is no one to show love and caring it leaves huge gaps in the developmental process. I appreciate your reading my post and taking the time to comment, thank you.
I hope somehow it will work out. I had a terrible psychopath as a mom and I can tell you by experience it does not stop with you (me) also my children have to deal with it. Creativity will help for sure.
Hey @wakeupkitty that's a great point .. creativity definitely helps. My original post was about my husband,s early years of being abused, and he is now a graphic artist, very creative and doing well. Blessings for you and your children xx
Many times we are surprised by the illegal processes that the CPS carries out, but even more when we know that they worsen the situation of the infants instead of trying to help them
Hi @marynes5 it's frightening that every country seems to have a problem with CPS, and that they seem to fail the children most of the time. Thanks for responding, did you also have problems with them?
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