I’ve been thinking about gender since I was a child, but now that I have a son and a mystery baby on the way, I think about it constantly. Every piece of clothing, every book, every toy I buy for them must be vetted for sexism, heteronormativity, general obnoxiousness, etc. It’s kind of a full-time job!
On a silly/serious note, I get a perverse charge out of telling people that “yes, I am having a boy OR a girl” when asked if I know the baby’s gender.
What I would like to say is “NO! I might not know my baby’s gender for another 20 years! Even my baby might take a while to figure that out, but an ultrasound or a blood test sure as hell can’t reveal it!”
You won’t discover a baby’s gender in here!
It doesn’t stop there. On an almost daily basis, I wonder what kinds of messages I am sending to my 5-year-old son about gender (and plenty of other things too!) I’ve always made an effort to fill his wardrobe with a variety of colors even though most of what is on the market for boys is blue or red - so boring! I buy purple every chance I get. When I can, I let him choose the color he would like and he often chooses purple himself, which warms my heart, but I also wonder if it’s a good idea to encourage him to choose clothes other kids might make unpleasant comments about.
He’s so young and while they say children have absorbed a lot about gender roles by age two, he doesn’t really know yet that other people can ruin his fun with their comments, purposefully or accidentally. Should I warn him? So far, I have not, but I’m sure there will be an incident that bothers him one day. For now, my husband and I just do our best to model as much openness to difference and variation we can.
I was lucky enough to grow up with parents who always told us we could be anything we wanted to be. My dad helped my sister become a badass softball pitcher all through high school and he was my math tutor, walking me through trig, geometry, and even some calculus night after night.
When I was about 10, my mom brought home a roll of stickers that looked something like the image I have recreated below. My two sisters and I proceeded to put them on every available surface - it’s a memory that really sticks with me, even today. That was feminism to me when I was 10 years old.
My mom always sang the praises of feminism and names like Betty Friedan, Angela Davis, and Gloria Steinem graced our bookshelves. I took Women’s Studies classes in college and joined the Feminist Coalition, which was BFFs with the LGBTQ group. I’m still in touch with several of the people I met through these two groups even 15+ years later. This is when I learned about intersectional feminism and really started to evaluate gender roles in our society and my part in perpetuating them, even when I didn’t mean to want to.
Considering all the time I’ve spent pondering gender in my own kids, I’ve noticed that I’m really unsatisfied with most of the messages I see directed at children. There are some companies out there trying to make it better, but we just need more positive messages all the time! As many as possible to drown out all the shitty messages out there, like these:
First you’re wearing this, next thing you know, you’re doing one of those creepy promise ceremonies with your dad where you get a ring and it looks like you’re marrying him. Gross.
Yeah, smiling is great - everyone should do it, but stop telling girls and women to smile! We’ll scowl if we want to!
Now what about clothes for boys? Get ready:
Ha ha, hilarious joke. What if he prefers a cock? Let’s not make assumptions about 6-month-olds.
I’ve never seen a Daddy & Daughter or Mother & Son building crew onesie! Why can’t I buy one of those? Maybe that’s why my son was warning me against using power tools last summer - because I’m a girl and it’s “too dangerous,” even though he has seen me do it many times.
Oh gawd…guns, guns, guns!
Worried about your baby’s masculinity already? I’ve got just the thing for you!
But wait! It’s not all bad news…In my non-exhausive research, I noticed that there are some positive messages out there, but boys are not getting to wear them. The shirts below are a start, but we need more!
I wouldn’t buy this, but I can appreciate that it comments on her brains instead of her looks - and I love cat-eye glasses.
Sure, why not…girls gotta dream! Better than “Future heartbreaker!”
I had the under-roos when I was little. Wonder Woman is timeless.
Still, I think we can do better.
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I’ve been ruminating on a project for a while now and I would love to have your input!
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I’ve been working on some short phrases and simple drawings of children to try to fight the yucky stereotypical garbage they are faced with everyday - as much for them as for their parents. My son has long curly hair and is often mistaken for a girl - which doesn’t bother me at all - I believe kids should look like kids, not little women and men. My son also has a friend who was labeled a girl at birth, but who wants to be a boy and has a very short haircut that also gets comments…
So, I want my drawings of children to look mostly androgynous. I’m keeping a list of phrases I like, such as:
- “He? She? Why not just let me be me?”
- “It’s OK to cry. Please let me feel my emotions.”
- Barbie & Batman: a kid’s BFFs
- etc…
I’m on the lookout for more! If you have a suggestion to share, please leave it in the comments. Thanks!
Also, I’m a cis-hetero-white lady myself, but I am definitely practicing drawing kids of color too! I’m NOT a great artist, so I am not confident to show those yet…but I’m working on them! If my movement isn’t intersectional, it will be bullshit, right?
These are a couple of the prototypes. What do you think?:
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I’d love to read your thoughts about kids & gender! Thanks for reading!
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Our girls have done far more building projects than our boys, simply because the girls were interested. When one daughter was 13, she wanted her own room, so I showed her how to frame in a wall to our open front room we never used and she built a wall. The 11 year old then built her own loft bed with me (doing most of the design and work herself) and THEN the girls both helped build a loft bed for their brothers as well.
They also love creating fashion, art & lots and lots of makeup and hair things.
My sons were raised with the idea that girls are just as capable and strong as boys. We never really thought much about gender (my kids are older and were here before the internet, so I never even had the knowledge of the gender info we have at our fingertips now!) but I also never felt the need to define it that much.
The boys loved balls/sports trains, but also loved wearing pink and dressing up in heels and dresses with their sisters.
No one worries about it much in this family, so I feel like I must have not messed up too much, even in my ignorance (not to say that I didn't make many MANY mistakes, because I did!)
I like what you're going for here. You should think about holding an art or graphic design contest for making shirts and whatnot. A lot of places do print on demand for Tshirt sales and stuff. I don't know a lot about it, just that people do it :)
LOVE the idea of a design contest! <3
That could be my first contest...! I'm not really sure what I want to do with all this, a coloring book? little framable cards/prints? T-shirts... I guess there are places you can order just about anything!
Your kids sound awesome! My sisters and I grew up helping my dad remodel the house. I really want to build a loft bed for/with my son - Maybe your daughter could give me some tips! I love that she did that.
I built a loft bed for my husband and I, actually. I LOVED having a nice cozy little place to sleep :) It isn't terribly hard to do, it's just a matter of building the framework and then having fun with the external design! I should hunt down some photos and make some posts about it.
Coloring books would be GREAT! You could even do a "Mommy and Me" type coloring book with the prevalence of so many "adult" coloring books! They could be in pairs and you could offer free printables to get people to participate and get the word out :)
I'd love to see posts about your bed building! I've built a book shelf before...This would just be like a very large shelf, right? ;-)
parent-child coloring would be awesome!
This reminds me of my neighbors growing up. Their mom was my babysitter. One of those boys is the same age as me, he was my absolute bestfriend. He has a brother that is a few years younger than us. When we were younger the boys absolutely could not play with any of my girly toys. I was a tom boy and had a ton of boy toys but the few girly toys I had, no way they could touch them. Why? Because it might make the boys like boys.
2 years ago, the younger brother finally came out and said that he likes boys. The parents did everything they could to not have a child like this. Obviously it wasn't the barbies that did it because he wasn't aloud to play with them. It just goes to show that we shouldn't identify our children's clothes, toys, sports and anything else just based on gender.
Let kids be kids and let them choose to be happy
It's so painful to hear about kids/or witness them being pushed like that when they are so young and so curious and so open to anything! I hope your friend is ok!
It is sad. My family knew he would do it one day as I'm sure his did as well. We were so happy to hear that he came out because we knew he was finally happy. He waited until he left for college I think because of the fear from his parents.
I'm glad that I was never forced to be a girly girl. I would have hated my childhood. I played with mud pies, worms, dirt and toy trucks! I loved every minute of it.
Many people live in an echo chamber these days, and I hope platforms like Steemit will help change that. I have a dissenting viewpoint for you: if you put this art on a shirt, aren't you doing the same thing the mainstream shirt designers are doing? That thing being sending messages via kid's chests.
During my childhood, we were not expected to be message bearers for adults. Contrary to popular belief, we were free to play what we wanted and dress the way we chose (as far back as the 80s anyway.) I had a superhero costume and played with He-Mans. My little sister loved the dump truck that delivered firewood, so my mom bought a Tonka truck and my big sister and I spent the day breaking sticks into 'firewood' to fill it. My older sister had more girly tastes, but she was the one who could catch snakes with ease, and the one who got my parents' permission to clip off the tail of a roadkilled squirrel to keep as a trophy.
Our clothes didn't really carry messages, because... 1980s. Anyway, most were handmedown and some were handmade.
Your art is cute and you clearly care about the world our kids will grow up into. Parenting the next generation is fairly terrifying, so my message to you and other parents in our generation is to do what our parents did: take the cues from your child and allow life to unfold. Keep them safe and out of the battleground of whatever fights you are fighting. When they are ready, they will have their own battles to fight. It will happen all too soon.
Hi there,
Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your thoughtful comment. You might be surprised that I agree with you! I started thinking about this project a long time ago, but a recent incident that really upset my son's friend got me going. While I do detest some of the messages on kids' shirts, my plan isn't really to replace them with the opposite - I think you are right, kids shouldn't be the unwitting bearers of adult messages. I don't like advertising for companies on clothes either! Someone in the comments did suggest making tshirts and maybe for some of the designs I have in mind that would work - but I don't want to put anyone even more under the microscope with a message that says - hey! look at me! I'm different!
On the other hand, perhaps a book or coloring book that no one would be wearing would still be able to reinforce for kids who need to hear the message that they may be different, but that's ok!
I'm still in the brainstorming period, so I'm really happy to have all this feedback.
Thanks for sharing your point of view :-)
Good gravy, I love this post. Resteeming.
Thanks! I appreciate it :-)
We have had to remove so many shirts from boxes of free baby clothes we got because of the most ridiculous messages to put on the chest of a baby. I sort of wish I had documented some of these because it is crazy how bad they can be. We have an assortment of "girls" and "boys" toys and our two boys (3 1/2 and 1 1/2) love to play with both of course. Thing One loves to role play with princesses and loves dancing and spinning around in his favorite orange skirt. He also loves roaring like a dinosaur and monster trucks. So much fun to sit back and watch what they do :) Good luck with number two!
Much love - Carl
We had the same problem! Love having clothes given to us, but we aren't all that into sports, so we had to take out tons of jerseys and then the crazy messages! ugh... so cringe-making!
Both my boys have had lots of female friends and of course sisters, and they both loved dresses and tutus and those awful plastic high heels that make me terribly nervous because they just look dangerous. Anyway, it shocked me with my first how differently he was treated when people thought he was a girl. Even as young ass 18 mos. It's disturbing really. I remember being at a big family Christmas at my aunt's house. My cousins had done this dance team thing for basically their whole childhoods, so my aunt had lots of amazing leotards and tutus. As my boy was dancing around the house, one of my adult male cousins came and asked me if I was really going to let him run around like that. Eyebrows raised with the triple dog dare eye glare. "Yes, yes I am." It's so bizarre to me that people care about gender or sexuality. Like what a dumb thing to get your panties in a twist about. Let the kid be and wear and play with whatever they want. I feel so over it. Anyway! This is an awesome project! My daughter is brewing up a project that is different but a similar theme. I hope to be revealing more about it soon!!!
Thanks for reading and commenting! I love everyone's stories. I will look for more about your daughter's project. good for her :-)
While I have no ideas or suggestions, I love this and support it entirely!
Thanks Didic! I'm so happy so many people are on board :-)
I'm SO happy to have read this. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE this project and hope you can get it up and running soon. (Also, I literally just posted about growing up a "tom-boy". Pics of me in my various phases included) Why can't boys have a shirt that says FIERCE in bubbly glitter writing too?
I love the 2 prototypes you've posted. My inner child (and current adult) is BEAMING at this! Thank you. From the bottom of this "tom-boy's" heart, a sincere THANK YOU!
Your kids are extremely lucky to have you :-)
And now I'M beaming! I am so happy to hear that you like this idea! I was a little nervous, like maybe it was silly or pointless...I just need to find the right way to do it. But I hadn't thought of tomboys...
Is there a particular part of being a "tom-boy" you would like to have had addressed growing up? Like a reply to dumb things people said?
The 1 thing that really bothered me was "you play/throw like a boy".
Thank you!
This is a particularly interesting topic for me, because my parents modeled really non-normative genders for me: my father was an actor, while my mom was a construction worker. Until shortly before he died, my father was my primary caretaker, dressing me and doing my hair in the mornings before taking me to school. Both my parents favored short haircuts, wore jeans and tshirts, and never tried to force me or my brother to wear certain colors or play with certain toys. I credit them with my really easygoing outlook on gender and never letting my gender limit what I can do. I love hearing from parents who are consciously doing this sort of thing nowadays—I think it's super important that traditional gender roles be busted as much as possible!
I love the cute little phrases and your art! I look forward to seeing more as you continue. I think it would be cute to do some opposites of the mainstream art—instead of 'Daddy & Son Building Crew,' some art that features an androgynous kid and says 'I want to be a construction worker, just like my mom!' or something similar. But nothing like that promise ceremony example—yuck!
oh - that is such a good idea! You have to make what you want to see, right? Isn't that what Maya Angelou said about the books she wrote? Not that I can compare myself to her!
That is perfect - Thank you for that great suggestion! I'll have some work to do! I need to learn how to digitize these things or something...
I have a scanner, and that's how I digitize my work. Are you going to make an art piece using the construction worker phrase? (I said it and now I am thinking of making one, too! :D Inspiration strikes, heh...)
I have a list of 20 or so phrases...that was your idea so run with it if you want to. I could just riff off the tshirt if I want. I hope you'll share how it turns out!
Oh, about the scanner - once you scan it in, do you color digitally or edit? I know nothing about that stuff - is it something I could figure out without having to go back to art school?
I almost never do any digital color on analog pieces—I like colored pencils, pens, and markers, so any pencil and paper pieces will be hand-colored before scanning. Digital pieces are constructed entirely digitally, of course. I've never been to art school, and my art is mostly a hobby, so my ways are probably inefficient/very much not industry standard, but I don't mind. :)
There probably is a noticeable difference between my digital and old-school pieces—if you're curious for examples, I made an intro post yesterday for the slothicorn community that has two of each.
It's worth noting, however, that my scanner is of mediocre quality, and I could get much better quality from a better scanner, of course.
I will check out your slothicorn post. Thanks!
I love this post. I have two boys, but we also have lots of pink, dolls, and dress up clothes in our home because that's what my 7 year old likes to play with (and pink is his favorite color). He also plays with Hotwheels, Minion toys and Minecraft games. He's a cub scout too. It's a bit of a mixed bag here because I believe in letting them have fun and do not bend to the stereotypes. If he wants his nails painted, great! If he wants to put on my old tutu from a Halloween costume, go for it! Then he wants to go out and play football with the neighbors, have fun! That's what it's all about really...enjoying life as you are.
As for your art, I love the phrases you have come up with. I think they would be great on Print on Demand shirts. I do a lot of POD items so I could help you get started if you want. :)
I'm so happy to hear about all these children growing up free to do/wear/play how they want!
I am very interested in how to do POD...I have no clue about it at all except that I know Zazzle exists! Anything you would be willing to share would be awesome! Thank you!
Nice blog, following.
Thank you for stopping by! Glad to have you!
Edited: I don't think my comment was on topic with your post. My apologies.
Nice post
thanks!