I woke abruptly. Something was making noise in my kitchen. Probably just the cat, but I decided to check it out anyway. Rolling off my bed, I landed on my knees so I could grab my bat from under the bed. I crept to the door (remembering, for once, to avoid the creaky floorboard), and yanked it open. The noise stopped.
“Harold, I swear if you are in the trash again, I will skin you and turn you into shoes!” I waited for a “meow” of agreement.
I didn’t hear one.
Oh dear.
I readjusted my grip on the bat and stepped out of my bedroom. I couldn’t see anything moving around in the kitchen from here, so I figured it probably wasn't an intruder. Hopefully. Knowing Harold, if he was the culprit, he was probably hiding under the table or in an alcove. I reached around the corner into the kitchen and flipped the light on. No Harold. What the hell?
“Harold?”
Damn cat. I surveyed the kitchen. Nothing looked out of place, aside from some pink fluff hanging out of a floor level cabinet on the far side of the kitchen. I sighed. How that cat managed to get his toys inside the cabinets was a mystery I'd never solved. If he'd gone and gotten himself stuck in a cabinet again, he and I were going to have words. I propped the bat against the fridge and plunked my hands on my hips.
“Harold, I swear to goodness.” At least he hadn’t gotten his tail caught in a drawer again. That had been...unpleasant for both of us.
“Haaaaa-roooooold!” I narrowly avoided stubbing my toe on one of the kitchen chairs on my way to the cabinet. I really needed to remember to put them back in the other room. “Ok, cat-butt, come on out n--”I swung the cabinet door open and stopped.
I didn’t see Harold in the cabinet. I didn’t see Harold’s toy in the cabinet. What I did see was something that looked like an overgrown Tribble. With eyes. And it was pink. And fluffy. And I had mistaken a bit of its fur for my cat's toy.
I cleared my throat. “Well, you’re not Harold.”
“CERTAINLY NOT! I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER, ZBARLIPŪKUOTAS! BOW TO ME, HUMAN!”
I couldn’t help myself. I burst out laughing. Not only was it pink and fluffy, it was squeaky! “Oh my god. Are you serious? You’re the size of my cat, you’re pink, and you’re hiding in my cabinet. What are you, anyway?” The fuzzball vibrated and turned a slightly darker shade of pink.
“INSOLENT HUMAN! I WAS PLANNING AN AMBUSH! NOT HIDING! I AM THE SUPREME ZBARLIPŪKUOTAS, AND I, ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE MEKIRAQIQUSHISTY, ARE HERE TO ENSLAVE HUMANITY! NOW BOW! And then get me something to eat. I’m hungry.”
I rolled my eyes. “You know, for something that looks and sounds like a cat toy, you sure are bossy. Speaking of, have you seen my cat? He’s about your height, green eyes, thinks he owns the world...You two should get along great! And what do you eat, anyway?” To my surprise, the little fuzzball teleported from the cupboard to my kitchen table. Well, that explains how it gets around, at least.
“I’m glad you have accepted your role in the Mekiraqiqushisty dominion! I require a four-to-one mixture of oxidane and sucrose! Quickly, human, I grow tired of waiting!”
Ok, sucrose I recognised. I was pretty sure I still had some sugar laying around from last year’s holiday baking binge. But what the hell was oxidane? I grabbed my tablet and consulted the internet. Wait. What? Holy shit! The fuzzball, er...Zbar-something...was asking me for sugar water. My inner cat lady was screaming with glee. Cute, fluffy, easy to feed, probably fun to pet. A thought struck me as I dug through the pantry for sugar. “Hey, Z, why did you pick this place?”
“No questions, human! Food first! Then I shall decide what to do with you!” I rolled my eyes. A-ha! Sugar. Excellent. I grabbed a mug from the cupboard next to the pantry and took my spoils over to the sink. Four-to-one, it’d said? So hummingbird food basically. I just needed to heat the water up a bit and stir in the sugar. While the water warmed in the microwave, I sneaked glances at my fluffy guest. At some point, it had returned to its original shade of pink; I guess the darker shade meant irritation. I didn’t see any legs or arms, or even a mouth. How was it talking to me? I knew it could teleport, so I guess not having legs or arms wasn’t a huge problem. The microwave beeped, snapping me out of my reverie.
“Human! What was that signal? Are you attempting to call for assistance? Be warned, it will do you no good!”
“No, dude. That was just the microwave. You asked me to feed you, remember?” Z let out a grumpy huff. I took the silence as permission to continue. The sugar dissolved quickly, but I kept stirring; I didn’t want Z to burn itself. “So, do you need a straw or something?”
“What is this ‘straw’?”
“I, er. A hollow tube that you suck stuff up with?”
“Zbarlipūkuotas has no need of this feeble human instrument! Bring me my food, human, and marvel!” I shrugged, put the mug down in the middle of the table, and watched. To my surprise, Z started floating off the table until it was just above the rim of the mug, and then a proboscis extended from the front of its face. As it drank, four little paws started to uncurl from where they’d been hidden in its fluff. At the very last slurp, they hit the table, and suddenly, I was looking at a cross between a Tribble and a housecat. There seemed to be a bit more definition around the face, too, since I could now see a mouth.
“Human! That meal was quite satisfactory! You have earned the right to ask your new overlord some questions!”
“Aw, thanks, Z. Are you male or female?”
“What is this ‘male and female’? I am Zbarlipūkuotas!”
“Uhh. Ok. Is Zbarlipūkuotas your name?”
“Of course! What else would it be?”
“You know what? Never mind. Have you seen my cat?”
“Is ‘cat’ the furred creature that objected to my arrival by threatening to eat my face and leave my dismembered corpse as a present for you?”
I raised an eyebrow. Who would have thought that Z spoke cat? “Yeah probably. How did you know what he was saying?”
Z scoffed. “How could I not? The being you call ‘cat’ is a member of the first wave of the Mekiraqiqushisty! However, the first wave was ill-prepared for the horrible conditions of your world and many were poisoned by their human subjects. Clearly, he did not realize that I am a superior being who is to be respected!”
Clearly. That sure explains a lot about cats.
“Yes well. I’ll have to explain it to him, which I would do, if I knew where he was!”
Z...twitched. Like Bewitched, except with his whole body instead of just his nose. Then, as if nothing was out of the ordinary, Harold sauntered in from the living room. I could see the exact moment he realized our intruder was still here. He froze, ears back, tail bushed. Then, as cats often do, he simply decided to ignore the problem and investigate his food bowl.
“Mrow! Mouw mrrow muurrrr!”
“Human! Clúmhachberbuluhalus requests food, and not that nasty dry stuff you’ve been giving him!”
I eyeballed the two of them suspiciously, then sighed. “I’m going to regret feeding you, aren’t I?”
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