A World with no God – Satire – Fiction.

Source.

-Hey, I found a way for us to meet the dude who pulls the strings of our universe. I’m speaking “The Almighty God” here. Would you like to meet him? – Asked the grumpy Malcolm.-

-Well, not really. You are sounding like one of those people who won’t get tired of preaching. He is just a desperate invention that humans created to find meaning to our very own existence. – Answered unapologetically his 22-year-old niece, Rebecca.

-Is that the kind of bullshit you read on the internet nowadays? Geez. Let me show you something. – He then pulls a gun or something out of his belt – This is a Death Gun.-

-You mean a gun that kills just the way any other regular gun would do?-

-Don’t you know anything or what? This is an ectoplasm gun, Rebecca. It will basically trick our mind and soul, and thus the Almighty, into making them think we are dead. Basic metaphysics. With that, we might be allowed to meet him. See, I’ll show yah.-

-No wait stoooo… – A bang was heard, following her body falling down and lots of blood and brains spread out on the floor. -

-Wow, I didn’t think this would be so graphic. This better actually work. But whatever, I don’t think I’ll miss this place anyways. – Shoots himself in the head.-

-Whe-where are we?-

-See? I told you! This is what I was talking to you about. Welcome to the Hyper Elaborate Alien Vintage Elf-like Nation.-

-You mean HEAVEN? Seriously?-

-Yeap.

-So you just made up a fake acronym to make it look cool. – Sighs.-

-Shut up. You don’t know anything about life. Now look, here he comes.-

-Comes who?-

The sky blurred and rumbled, when a mysterious and imposing British voice, that seemed to come from all directions, furiously asked:

-Who dareth come to sacred land?-

-Who-ho are you? – Strutted a frightened Rebecca.-

-I am Him who seeth it all – roared an elderly figure, who showed up out of nowhere and had long white hairs in his head and beard, and was wearing a perfectly neat and immaculate baby blue rope.-

-In your face! You are in front of the Almighty. – Bragged a childish Malcolm, who was 56 at the time.

-I can’t believe my eyes. – Exclaimed a Rebecca in awe.-

-Yes, indeed I am, and… – changes voice into a less dramatic and more high-pitched tone and an American accent – and who are you guys again? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love to have visits, but it is just not usual to see people who can recognize me. Let me think, let me think, let me think… Oh you old man must be Malcolm Romo. And you, the one with the small tits, must be Rebecca, am I right? How did you end up here? Only dead people are allowed in here, you knew that? And I am sure I did not make you guys die.-

-We just happened to fake our own deaths with the help of some ectoplasm technology.-

-You, wait, you did what!? – God stared at his visit with some reproach for some seconds, until he cracked into a very loud laughter. – OMG that has got to be the most hilarious trick anyone has played on me before, HA-HA-HA!-

-Yeah, that’s right. – Replied an unimpressed Malcolm. – Look, we don’t have much time before we go back to our own world. I just wanted to show my niece that you exist and that you control all of our fates.-

-And much more than just that. – The Almighty grinned and led them to a huge table with a floating sphere, which looked like Earth, on top of it. – This is how I control everything there is. I just select the area where I want to see someone, zoom in using my fingertips and I can make them do stuff. It’s that simple. Look, it’s a baby with cancer. I’d better cure him. – And he did.-

-Awww, that was really nice of you. – Uttered a moved Rebecca.-

-Ha-ha, yeah. Now hey, look what time it is. I almost forgot. Is it Tsunami time? Yes, it’s Tsunami time. – He then zoomed in to the eastern coast of Japan, pushed some buttons and a Tsunami hit Japan.-

-Wow, what!? What did you do that for!? – Exclaimed a puzzled Rebecca.-

-You would not understand it, honey. It has something to do with overpopulation and stuff. Didn’t you watch that movie Infinity War?-

-Why don’t you use that power to make the world a better place?-

-A better place would be really boring to watch. Hey, behold, it’s your father. I wonder if he knows that because of his little know-it-all girl, he is about to… Humm… Get cancer maybe? Ugh, I have lost my touch. I would destroy cities before, turn people into salt or come up with very original plagues. Let’s just give him a soft car crash so you learn you can’t mess up with me.-

In that instant, the Almighty uses His fingers on the sphere to get to Rebecca’s dad while he was driving, when Rebecca grabs His hand to prevent him from doing anything.

-Stop it! – She cried very angrily. – He is my dad, I won’t let you harm him.-

-Hey, Rebecca, calm down. – Malcolm tried to sooth her.-

-No, I think this “Almighty” is just an asshole.-

Rebecca and The Almighty were now struggling to keep each other off the sphere. Earthquakes and other catastrophes took place on Earth with the whole commotion, until Rebecca made the Almighty trip down, he hit His head against a trident he once used to trick the Greeks, and died.

-OMG, OMG, OMG!- Repeated Rebecca in shock.-

-Great. – Said a sarcastic Malcolm. – You just created a universe with nothing but anarchy to rule upon us. Now who’s gonna cool down the air when my A/C is broken, huh?-

-What have I done? Will now everything cease from existence because of me? – She was horrified.-

-Nah, don’t worry about it. I am sure we will do a better job just having our normal lives back home. Now, time’s up.-

Their temporary inversion in HEAVEN was over, so they came back to their planet, with their minds in their bodies and lived a mediocre life ever after.

A World with no God – Satire – Fiction.

-THE END-