Regret: The Things you should have known

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"Just remember, if you need to use the bathroom ring this little bell and I'll be here in a flash" Freddy said to me

His smile was warm and friendly and his touch reassuring but i felt belittled. It felt like the whole universe had finally taken a dump on me and deserted me to rot in a place where no one knew me. The old me would have cursed or called for a relative or my lawyer but these days no one returned my missed calls and no one came to visit me. I felt abandoned and alone.

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I wheeled my chair to the standing mirror in my room and stared at my image. A few days earlier, i would stare at myself in disbelief, confusion and hatred. Hatred for life and how it had left me...but now, i felt resigned and overwhelmed with a gnawing sense of regret.
I would take out my dentures and force a smile as i looked at the mirror. I would take in my sunken tired eyes, my taunting receded hairline, my thin wrinkled and transparent skin, my hurting receded gums and what was left of my teeth. Then i would reminisce my my once glorious form and the flock of women that tailed me wherever i went.
Tears pricked my eyes. The old me wouldn't have cried but looking at myself now, i realized my whole life had been vain and every time the clock ticked, the little time i had left slowly dwindled into nothingness, drawing me closer to my demise.

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I wondered what my son looked like now. It had been years since i heard from him. He was studying to become a Marine scientist, that was many years ago and I had yelled at him over the phone. I told him he was going to end up poor and useless. I did not go to his matriculation or convocation. I busied myself with growing my firm.

At that time, I was at a point in my life where making money and living in luxury were a priority to me. I had just become a successful broker and had moved to the Bahamas with a woman i met at a strip club.

My son's name was Nathan and i still had a photo of him when he was a child. I would fade into a reverie of nostalgia, remembering his laughter and the joy in his eyes but those were the times when things had been simple. I was working with a nonprofit organization and we had a decent income, a son and a beautiful wife, Carla.

Everytime i remembered Carla, a piece of me withered away. I had heard from her last, ten years ago. She was happily married to another man, with two kids and my son.

She had probably moved on and forgotten about me. I wouldn't blame her. I would move on and forget me too. I loved that woman but I kept being unfaithful to her. That was when I started making all that money that blurred my principles and repositioned my priorities.
I still remember the pain in her eyes when i came home that. night.

"Ben, I want a divorce." The hurt in her voice is something that stuck to me. Something i can never forget.

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Now i was alone. A shadow of the man i used to be with no one to visit and no grandchild to hold. Abandoned by my third twenty five year old wife at a home where no one knew me.

My back hurt, My gums hurt, My hips hurt, i could not last five minutes without visiting the toilet and i was being served repugnant mashed food, food i could barely keep down.

I loved burgers, Freddy had tried to do something nice for me by getting me one on my birthday. I remember taking a bite and not being able to taste anything. I had lost the taste in my buds.

I wanted to see my son again. I wish i was there to watch him grow, to see him turn from a frail infant to the independent man that he was now. I feel proud of him. I feel grateful he did not listen to my advice and studied something that he loved.
I wish i could go back to the times when things where simple. When my earnings were modest. The time when i knew complete joy but i just didn't know it.
If i could see Carla again, I would tell her i always loved her and that i was sorry. I would tell her i was grateful she found happiness. I would tell her i wish i did right by her and our son. I would tell her i had taken up knitting classes and made a sweater for our boy. Freddy helped me wrap it up and put in a gift box. He would help me mail it to Freddy.

I hope he gets it and decides to come visit. I want to see my son before i die

photocredit: artnet.com

Regret: The Things you should have known

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