FADE TO:
INT. NOAH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The apartment is somewhat disheveled, though its hard to tell because its dark. The only light is a dim lit lamp that exposes brick walls and a vinyl player in the background. Noah lays on his bed with the light of his phone illuminating his face. He’s perplexed as to what to text and frustration settles in. Noah jumps out of bed to move around and get some ideas flowing.
CUT TO:
NOAH PACING AROUND HIS ROOM WITH PHONE LIT IN HIS HAND
CUT TO:
NOAH PLAYING GUITAR AND SINGING POORLY WITH A BEER HELMET ON, STARING AT HIS GLARING PHONE ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF HIM
CUT TO:
NOAH DOING PUSH UPS ON HIS BEDROOM FLOOR, COUNTING 23, 24, 25…LOOKS OVER AT HIS PHONE, ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HIM. HIS PHONE GLARING BACK AT HIM
CUT TO:
NOAH SITTING ON THE HEAD OF HIS BED CHEWING GUM, DUMBFOUNDED, STARING AT HIS PHONE AT THE FOOT OF THE BED. HE GETS UP AND STORMS OUT OF HIS ROOM.
CUT TO:
INT- APARTMENT KITCHEN -NIGHT
Noah is sitting at his high top kitchen table, perplexed and seemingly in defeat, sipping a glass of water in his dim lit kitchen. His phone is on the kitchen table. He has no idea what to write this girl. Noah’s roommate, Glen, enters the kitchen. Glen is a tall white guy, with a somewhat fit, somewhat unfit body and disheveled long red-ish hair. He is shirtless, exposing his outlandish body hair, barefoot and is wearing yoga tights with an outer space design as he holds his over sized and obnoxiously decorated bong firmly in his hands. Besides being a hippie-yoga bum, we’re not quite sure what Glen does for a living, if he even does anything at all. Glen fills his bong with sink water and sits at the high top table with Noah.
Glen
Whatchu doing up?
Glen takes an obnoxiously large bong hit.
Noah
Setting up a date with this girl I met.
Glen is still working on his super long bong hit. You can hear the bong bubbling for an uncomfortable about of time. He then holds it in for an also uncomfortable amount of time….then exhales and smiles.
Glen
Haha right on, dude. Where are you taking her?
Glen sparks another, smaller hit.
Noah
I’m not sure, I’ve been trying to figure out what to text her.
Glen
What’s there to figure out?
Noah
I don’t know, just trying to figure out how to ask her out.
Glen
Just type some shit and send it. Half of that shit is autocorrect anyways.
Noah
Yea, I don’t know. What do you text a girl that you only know through the internet?
Glen
You hooking up with a webcam girl?
Noah
No, I-
Glen
(Interrupts)
I tried that, once. Showed up to her place wearing a custom clown suit. She hit me with a restraining order like the next day. I didn't know you could do that that fast.
Noah
A clown suit? What the fuck did you do that for?
Glen
It was a circus themed webcam. Kind of weird but surprisingly erotic. I thought she’d be into the get up, but I guess it took her by surprise. Also, hacking her personal information and finding her address took her by surprise too. Whatever, ninety nine problems but a bitch ain’t one, right?
Glen smiles and takes another hit.
Noah
Right.
(Looks at him questionably)
Well, we met on a dating site, and I don't own a clown suit. Anyways, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to write this girl.
Glen
Fuck words. Actions speak louder than words… and a picture is worth a thousand words. You want to impress this girl? Send her a dick pic.
Noah
A what?
Glen
A dick pic.
Noah stares at him confused.
Glen
A photo of your penis.
Noah
My Penis? What are you crazy? I can’t do that.
Glen
Why not? Is there something wrong with your dick?
Noah
No, its just-
Glen
(Interrupts)
Like medically?
Noah
No-
Glen
(Interrupts again)
Not photogenic? Some dicks just aren't photogenic, I get it.
Noah
No…I mean… I don't know. Maybe. I’ve never taken a picture of it before.
Glen
So its a medical thing?
Noah
(Annoyed)
No, its not a medical thing!
Glen
So whats wrong?
Noah
(Frustrated)
Nothing is fucking wrong. I just don't think thats the best thing to text a woman for the first time.
Glen
Why not? I do it all the time. Works great for me. Do you want to seal the deal or not?
Noah
(Uncertainly)
Of course, yea, I want to… seal the deal. But sending a picture of my penis… is just crazy.
Glen
Its not crazy. I’ll help you.
Noah
(Frightened)
Help me?
Glen
You gotta let her know. You gotta communicate an heir of confidence and let her know you're the man.
Noah
I wouldn't even know how to work that thing. I can barely take a regular photograph. I gotta think about lighting, high angles, low angles, do I use a mirror? Its too much.
Glen
Christ, its not rocket science. You sound like you're turning in a book report. Just get your cellphone camera, make sure you're looking extra good down there, and snap.
(imitates snapping photo with his hand)
Noah
What do you mean, looking good down there?
Glen
You know…looking good. Make sure you’re… trimmed, looking vibrant…symmetrical. Think of it like a yearbook photo, you want to look your best.
Noah
I should trim?
Glen
What are you going amazonian down there?
Noah
No, its just-
Glen
Yes, a trim. You don't have to go full snake-back but you gotta look clean cut.
Noah
Right. Clean cut.
Glen
Speaking of cut, are you circumsized?
(Before Noah can answer)
Well if you're not, you should pull the skin back, otherwise it looks like you're sending a photo of an anteater.
Noah
Right.
Mikey
You want to make it as clear as possible, what you're sending. You don't want her first reaction to be confusion, followed by shock.
Noah
I just want shock?
Glen
You don't want either but shock follows confusion. Its never confusion followed by pleasant surprise.
Noah
Right, no confusion…and just a sprinkle of shock.
Glen
Let her know you're the man.
Noah
(Speaking to himself)
I’m the man…
Glen
There you go.
Noah
I’m the man… I’m the man…
Glen
Thats what I’m talking about. Say it till You know it!
Glen passes Noah the bong.
Noah takes a hit from the bong.
Noah
I’m the man…I’m the man?..
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