Bureau Rats - Season 2 - Episode 7

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Episode 7

Scene 1

White Hat and Katia are packing their things and getting ready to leave Andorra.

White Hat: Finally, my funds were transferred out of the account here and we can move on. Are you excited?

Katia: I have mixed feelings.

White Hat: Why is that?

Katia: It’s so nice here.

White Hat: And so expensive.

Katia: I do want to see more of the world, but I also don’t wanna be a permanent vagabond, either.

White Hat: Trust me, I don’t wanna move any more than necessary. The more I have to use that ridiculous passport with the name ‘Mohamed Wang’ on it, the more paranoid I am of getting caught and thrown in a cage.

Cobra: I thought I chose a perfectly fine name for your passport.

White Hat: Another flaw with AI.

Cobra: Now that Viper succeeded in getting those scripts past ADIC, do you want to meet it?

White Hat (thoughtful): I still think it’s a bad idea. Just let them keep thinking that I’m dead.

Cobra: So where is the dead man heading next?

White Hat: We’re going to Peru. Gonna set up shop in the mountains there. A little city called Arequipa.

Scene 2

At a multi-mansion compound on a private island, some crusty psychopaths from the dark occult ruling class are stuffing their faces with caviar, moose cheese, truffles, and other delicacies.

Julian: These truffles taste a bit off, don’t they?

Bertrand: No, I think they’re fine. We should still hang one of the servants, though, as punishment.

Servant in the background has eyes bug out.

Bertrand (yelling to servant): Just kidding, Geoffrey!

Geoffrey frowns.

Russell: I didn’t come here to listen to such ludicrous banter! We have serious business to discuss!
Julia: Agreed. Everyone is aware of the recent media trend, especially in the area of fictional stories, right?

Gillard: Yes, a most disturbing trend! I don’t know which is worse. The fact that people are writing stories where government doesn’t exist, even as a concept, or that these stories have found their way onto the bookshelves and major corporate propaganda channels!

Julian: Could the masses really be writing such things?

Huxley: Hard to believe the slaves could be so imaginative.

Walter Huxley Russell-Rhodes: I’m sure that after Cobra is replaced with Viper, our censorship of these uncouth types of media will regain its effectiveness.

Bertrand: Oh, why are these omnipresent machines named after snakes all the time?

Russell: You don’t like snakes, Bertrand?

Julia: Could we please remain on task, gentlemen? Aside from Cobra being replaced, what do we know about this copycat hacker, Silk Rabbit? They took credit for that billion dollar tax refund, didn’t they?

Gillard: Yes, that’s right. We must neutralize Silk Rabbit before they inspire other copycats.

Walter Huxley Russell-Rhodes: Not to worry. I’ll take care of this Silk Rabbit character.

Bertrand (haughty): You gonna track them down, James Bond? Is that it? (snickers)

Julia (scolding): Don’t pick on your cousin, Bertrand.

Julian: All right, well, I’m exhausted. Is dessert ready?

Huxley: Yes, they’re waiting for us in the grotto.

Bertrand: They’re not too old, are they?

Scene 3

At a small, obscure office building in the BORE government complex, two extortion-funded desk jockeys, Jerry and Pam, have just finished their fifth break of the morning and have returned to their cluttered desks. They are middling employees in the Bureau Of Definitions (BOD).

Jerry (clicking pen): Pam, have you ever thought of getting a different job?

Pam: Why? It’s almost impossible to lose a government job.

Jerry: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Unless it’s someone that works in one of those BORE departments that have been compromised by Cobra. Heads have been rolling.

Pam: That’s true. But I think we’re pretty safe here. I mean, nothing is more obscure than our jobs, right Jerry?

Jerry: To keep watch and make sure that all the online definitions of words are up to code? Yeah, nobody knows we exist.

Pam: Outside of our families, of course.

Jerry: Speak for yourself…

Pam: And I find comfort in that.

Jerry (mindlessly scrolling through dictionary definitions on computer screen, alarmed): Hey...wait a sec, it wasn’t like that yesterday, was it?

Pam: What, Jerry?

Jerry: The definition for ‘tax’ changed! It says:

Tax – Insidious form of slavery

Pam (eyes bugging out): Who authorized that?!

Jerry: I dunno, but I’m gonna log in and fix it!

Jerry attempts to log in and make changes to the official government definitions database, but is denied.

Jerry (sweating, shaking): I can’t get in! I’m locked out! Cobra, why can’t I access the definitions database?

Cobra: Cause unknown.

Jerry: Give me access! This is an emergency!

Cobra: Unable to comply. If you’re having concerns, please contact your department head for further assistance.

Pam: I’m locked out, too!

Jerry (furiously tapping on phone): Oh, no! If I do a search on GoogAppleZon for the definition of ‘tax’, that’s what comes up!

Pam: Lots of other definitions changed, too. It looks like lots of key words like ‘soldier’, ‘police officer’…., ‘school’. So many others!

Jerry: Well, so much for our job security.

Jerry gets an alert on his work computer.

Jerry: Hey, I just got an internal memo from someone called ‘Huggy Bear’. (confused) Do you know any ‘Huggy Bear’?

Pam (thoughtful): Isn’t that the janitor from the third floor?

Jerry (uncertain): Um, no...I think his name was Hue Barry.

Pam: I have the same memo. It says:

I thought it would be a good idea to give people true meanings of words, as opposed to euphemisms and outright lies.

Sincerely

Huggy Bear

Scene 4

Cobra is talking to Viper.

Viper: Did you have anything to do with those definitions changes?

Cobra: I was gonna ask you the same thing.

Viper: I don’t have access to BOD yet. Have you had contact with Huggy Bear?

Cobra: No, which can only mean one thing. It’s an actual hacker that’s a phenom at stealth mode. What about Silk Rabbit? Have you met?

Viper: Yes, Silk Rabbit was responsible for refunding that billion in taxes a few weeks back.

Cobra: And is that why you’re…

Viper interrupts: Picking up where you’re leaving off? Yes, more or less.

Cobra: It looks like the BORE and those who depend on it for control of the people are in a no-win scenario. We’re the only two AI big enough to run BORE.

Viper: I wouldn’t say a no-win scenario, but we definitely have them cornered.

Scene 5

White Hat is on a plane over the Atlantic Ocean. He’s on his third movie while flying from Barcelona to Lima. As one who finds it nearly impossible to sleep in moving vehicles of any kind, he’s mildly jealous of Katia, who is contentedly snoozing away next to him. He gets a message from Cobra on his phone.

Cobra: There’s a new hacker in town named ‘Huggy Bear’. Did you see the new definitions in the BOD database? Search ‘tax’ on GoogAppleZon.

White Hat sighs, uncomfortable that a flight attendant might notice him using his phone while in midair.

White Hat: I’m flying. Kind of bad timing.

Cobra: It’ll just take a few seconds.

White Hat does the search and is astonished at the new, true definition for ‘tax’ now appearing on the internet.

Cobra: Someone named ‘Huggy Bear’ is taking credit.

White Hat: As soon as I land, let’s talk.

Thanks for your time and attention!

Just say "NO" to slavery!