The picture above is of me. I am sitting on the lap of my mother. The other woman I only know as Jane X and that is all I know of her. This is the last picture I have of my mother and I cannot even see her face. I do not know where my parents are, or even if they are still alive. I barely remember this day except for fragments and flashes of images I do not know if real or imagined. My mother placing me on the floor, my fathers worried face as he picked me up, pain, an ambulance ride and this moment, getting plugged into a machine and told to close my eyes. When I opened them, they were gone. All of them.
I was under two in this image, that was 20 years ago and I have been on the move for the last 15 of them. Alone. But, it is time, I am no longer going to run, I am no longer going to hide. The moment to reveal myself and show what can be done has arrived.
I would like to show you what I look like now but after spending 5 years in a lab being prodded and pulled with CCTV cameras following my every move, I have become a little camera shy. Not that it would help you anyway, who you will see in the image will tell nothing of me the person. You will look at it and see someone you could pass in the street and offer a friendly smile before walking on your way, a person who might serve you at the supermarket or, see carrying a backpack filled with university books. You could see someone ordinary, someone like you. You'd likely be mistaken.
The chances of you being like me are slim to none although, I am ordinary. The new ordinary.
My father kept a diary of life that I have access to still and among his last entries was a story of me. He called me gifted, an amazing learner and someone who may come to change the world. Skewed views of a father who saw his daughter through emotional eyes tainted by pride and naivety. He wasn't wrong though, he just didn't fully realize what he was looking at.
We live in a world of nature and nurture and nature has pushed us into a point where it is nurture that has the largest effects on who we are, how we behave and what we do in our little worlds. It is nurture that brings people together to create communities, cultures, societies, industries and governments that drive agendas and change the world, change nature which in turn changes us. It is a cycle, we are changed, we change and then we are changed again.
I am changed, evolved, new. This is not hubris, this is scientific fact. I destroyed the tapes that prove it, I kept the picture above as a memory of what once was, and what I have lost to be at this point. Loss is a much greater motivator than gain, loss digs deep into the soul even when the loss is irrelevant. Losing parents, losing childhood, having them taken, that creates a different kind of loss. A loss of innocence, one devoid of the nurture of a loving parent, the sweet memories of fresh grass and sunshine replaced by steel, concrete and medical equipment.
The world that you have likely known, the experiences that have tormented you and the baggage carried up until this day is very little in comparison to some, to me. But, it is not useful to dwell on where we have come from unless it provides us a motive to move forward with intention. Too many spend their lives tethered to a past life they think is still their own. Move forward, it is the only way to go.
There is no such thing as living in the past, it is another illusion sold through poorly spoken words. There is no past as it was destroyed the moment after it was created and other than the next moment arriving, there is no relevant future either. But enough philosophizing on trivialities, you are likely wondering who I am, what I can do and, where this story leads.
The best answers I can give you now is: Ava, I am not completely sure and, the next moment will lead on to the next. Other than that, your guess is as good as mine.
Taraz
[ a Steem original ]
Well reading this was heartbreaking. For once I cannot write a genuine comment. Just want to let you know that I did read it.
Keep strong Taraz, together with your wife and daughter and please don't upvote this comment! Thanks.
Thanks for leaving a comment but, I upvoted it and it is too late to take it back as it would be a waste of VP
You're making a lot of sense, @tarazkp. I think the idea of putting this text with the child's eyes makes what you say all the more moving. The idea is to fight today as if you were living alone for today, without thinking about yesterday or tomorrow. Of course we evolve, we advance in our growth, but we are the sum of everything we have experienced. We're always leaving each other or they're leaving us something. We don't come out of this life unscathed. Happy Wednesday!
Absolutely. What we leave and the marks we make will ripple through forever.
She'll tell a story of how her dad was strong for her, loved her and sacrificed for family. Also how he made his family financially secure
At the moment, every time I sit down at the computer or leave the room she says, 'Daddy's going to work'
It is fiction, but what a moving story you wrote today! It has captivated me until the end. I hope to read more!
Thank you Clio. I may continue it in pieces and link them backwards.
I hope you are enjoying this summer weather so far :)
This one i purposely read all the way through first. Actually teared the eyes. I had my wife pull out a notebook last night. Inspired by you, and in desire for "?", i want to write my son. Dont call it a label what i am about to say, i am a good writer, i am lazy, i am in pain, i am not a good writer but i want my son to have something depending on what the future decides. Very true words in this post sir. Unless of course I am being massively deceived. Your changing my world so ty. Highly Resteemed
If you improved yourself on a lie, would it take away the improvement?
Although I do write fiction, I don't look to deceive and I try to keep it as real as possible while still keeping some creative licence for interest sake. I want my daughter to one day be able to look back and know me and if I happen to still be around then, see the connection to my words now to what she knows throughout her life without there being conflict, without her thinking one version is not true.
Great writing as usual mate. I know where it's coming from and this piece really touched me man. I wish I knew what to say to help you guys, but all I have is that the more positive you are about a situation, the more likely a positive outcome.
You wrapped up wonderfully emotionally.
Have a good evening mate
it is appreciated and we will get there, just takes time and effort.
Thinking of you guys mate. Sorry my vote isn't worth anything to you yet, but I work on it a little more every day. You're good people that deserve more and I pray for you guys to be blessed.
Hmmmm,, that's strong and heart touching.
You forgot to add as part of the diary that the account was worth millions from dad's dedicated work. it's very clever and a special thing you are doing for your daughter. She is always going to have a piece of you even if it is only on the block chain.
This is the main reason behind it. None of us know when our time is up until it is and I would like her to have something of me.
Interesting story onr that did happen and will happen to many children for the biggest part. Not much imagination is needed for that.
It is your inspiration to give everything for your family and to protect it as you do, you prove to be a great father and that will reward your life, blessings to your family your daughter is the engine of your life
We cannot live life in the past no matter how hard we try . The past can only be used as information .
We are all moving forward toward the future . What that future is , is unknown but the information from the past can be used to determine a path to that future and not determine it unless the information is used .
Good looking.
well this is great presentation we will look forward for more about you , and in the picture you really look cute brother :)
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I suspected that this was inspired by your daughter and the MRI tests. Be strong for them and have faith, everything is going to be ok
You got a 26.49% upvote from @ocdb courtesy of @tarazkp!
Beautifully and sensitively done, mate. Moving this moment twenty years into the future expresses a guarantee of hope for only good things.
I love the story.