Rai sat at her computer, and almost as soon as she signed in Cowboy messaged her.
"Hey Wild Filly, what’s up?" he wrote.
"Not much." she wrote back. "I was just out to meet with my
publisher."
"Yeah and how did that go?" Cowboy replied.
"It was good, he wants to publish my story when it is finished." said Rai.
"Oh cool,” Cowboy wrote. "Well I have to go into town, but call me tonight you have my
number." he said.
"Ok later," responded Rai.
Later that evening after a short nap Rai lay on her bed. She was thinking about the past five
days when she had first met cowboy. They had shared photos of each other. It was instant
attraction. She was a beautiful fifty year-old woman with long thick dark hair and blue green
eyes. He was forty-eight a rugged handsome man with dirty blond hair and blue eyes. She
could hardly wait to call him, somehow she knew that phone call was going to change
everything. Right now they were only asking the usual questions on the Internet getting to know
each other.
The anticipation was building as Rai went about her apartment tiding up, she was supposed
to call at ten and it was already nine forty-five. She kept busy and every couple minutes she
checked the time, at two minutes to ten she picked up the phone she waited as the seconds
ticked by. He picked up on the second ring.
" Cowboy here," he said.
for a couple seconds Rai could not say a word. His voice was like molten lava flowing through
her veins.
" Hey," she finally breathed
" How are you?" he asked.
" I am good," she replied.
" That’s nice," he said. "Well what made you message me?" He wanted to know.
" I liked your profile," said Rai. "But it took me a while to finally message you."
" How come?" he asked?
Rai replied. " I saw in your profile that you wanted a woman younger then fifty, but I
took a chance that you would answer back. "How come you answered me anyways?"
she asked.
" I read your profile and I liked it," he said. "Especially your user name Wild Filly. May I call
you that?" he asked?
" Sure," said Rai.
They chatted for a while about what they would like in a partner. Every time he spoke
his voice sent shivers down her spine.
" Hey Filly I like the sound of your voice," he said softly. "It sounds so sweet."
" Thank you," she whispered.
The next morning Rai felt a little guilty about the night before.
" What must he think of me?" she wondered. She sat at her computer ready to do some
writing when she saw Cowboy sign in.
" Hey good morning Wild one!" he wrote.
" Hey Cowboy," she wrote back. "I am sorry about last night for letting myself get carried away.
Saying those things .I should know better and not let myself lose control like that."
Even from a long distance you are potent! Sometimes it is the forbidden that draws us, but I think
it was the molten lava 'your voice' that did it."
"Hey," Cowboy wrote.
"Should I keep calling you Cowboy or big Buck?" Rai wrote.
"Cowboy is fine." he wrote back
The intimate phone calls continued and the Internet messages were just as intimate.
Rai found herself falling in love with that wild cowboy. She could not keep him out of her mind.
Her writing was almost non-existent because she could not focus. Her publisher kept calling
and asking when she would have her manuscript ready, but she ignored the messages.
She was beginning to wonder how Cowboy felt about her.
It was a Saturday morning around ten when Rai sat at her computer, She saw that cowboy
was already signed in.
"Hey wild thing!" she wrote.
"Hey Filly!" he responded.
"What’s up," she asked.
" Nothing," he wrote.
"You nut cake!" she responded.
"What do you want me to say after the way you treat me? Huh?" he asked.
"The way I treat you? What about the way you treat me?"
"You're a bit of a sass maniac?" Wrote Cowboy. "Oh man here we go again, I always have to
Protect myself."
"Hmmm," responded Rai "you've got a wild one on your hands! Afraid of her or what? You
Want to settle for the lukewarm women?"
Cowboy responded, "I guess thats why I end up with the sassy ones, because I just get
that way myself."
" What sassy ones?" she asked. ‘You haven’t had sassy until you met me, Cowboy!"
" Well I didn't know that before, but I know now," he wrote back. "Well I've got to go, how about
tomorrow?" He asked.
" Yes," she wrote. "I'll be talking to you tomorrow."
The passion between them continued Rai began writing poems again, she felt so inspired
by him. The first one was called Cowboy. It was a deep feeling poem almost a tragic love as if it
was foretelling their future. She told him how she was falling for him, but she knew that she had
already lost her heart to this wild Cowboy and he told her that he also had deep feelings for her.
Somehow Rai knew that even though he said he had feelings for her it was not the same. She
lived for the times they spoke. Than she noticed things seemed to change. It was like her
poems were coming true.
Later that night after Rai signed in to her msn, cowboy was on.
"Hey Filly!" he wrote.
."Hey Cowboy!" she responded, "What’s up?"
"Not much yet," he wrote.
"What’s happening to you tonight?" she wrote back. "See some little fillies out there tonite,
thats got you all wired?"
"I don't know," he wrote.
"Don't know what?" she asked.
" What happened," he responded.
" Well can't be me, I wasn't talking to you," she wrote.
"Yes you are," he wrote back.
"Now, but only writing, you can't hear my voice," she wrote.
"Not yet!" he responded.
"What do you mean not yet?" she wrote.
"I am not hearing it yet," he wrote back.
"I am totally tired, sorry," she wrote.
"OK, goodnight Filly!
"Hey don't be like that," she responded.
"Well but we need real sleep, no?" he asked.
"What do you mean real sleep?" she wrote
"You know what I mean!" he wrote back.
"Oh Cowboy we are going have to learn how to sleep without, well you know," Rai wrote
"We're not together and may never be." Her gut was wrenching has she wrote those words. "It is
only teasing ourselves."
"Yes it is," he wrote
Rai continued. "The way things are I don't think there is a future for us. You may never want
anything like that with me and my heart is to involved right now. It is a tender thing Cowboy."
" I am trying to understand that Filly," he wrote.
" Even has I write this I can not stop the tears,” she continued
" Well I hope you will have a peaceful sleep," Ok? He responded
By now Rai was sobbing as if her heart would break as she continued to write.
"I hate it when things become so final when I want so much to bury my face in your neck
and hang on tight."
" I think we need to talk about this tomorrow," he wrote.
" Sure if you really want to," she responded.
" Yes please," he replied.
" Ok tomorrow, sweet dreams Cowboy. Kiss goodnight
" Night, kiss," he wrote back.
The next day Rai went on to check her email and see if cowboy was on it was 2 30pm he
wasn't on. She did some work at her poems and kept checking to see if he was on.
Finally at 4 40pm he acknowledged her hellos.
" Hi Filly!" he wrote.
" Hey!" she responded.
" Whats up?" he asked
" Nothing," she wrote.
" You wanted to talk to me, yes?" he wrote back.
" About?" she asked
" I don't know, you would know. Something from last night," He responded.
" Thats ok, I've made my decision. You get my email?" she asked
" Have not checked it yet, hang on." he wrote. "Yeah, ok. I've read it," he continued, "and
no I am not ignoring you or I would not have talked to you now, but I am not on the computer
just because I turn it on so I can use it later. Sometimes you read a lot more into things than
they really are. I told you that I do not want to be mean to anyone, let alone someone that I
have adored."
"Perhaps," she wrote back, but I don't think this can go on any longer because I can see
myself really getting hurt down the road."
"And you know what?" he responded, "I can understand that and respect it. Ok, Rai?
' Oh, Cowboy, Cowboy,' she thought, 'I want you to just say you love me and nothing else
matters,' Instead she replied, " I don't want your respect Cowboy, I did not message you for
that the first night, but I guess my intuition tells me that you will not want me soon. That you will
be trying to rekindle an old flame. I've learned a long time ago that most old flames are better
left in ashes."
"Well," He wrote. "That gives me a lot to think about, for sure Filly."
" Well somehow I don't think this is going to hurt you has much has it is hurting me, Cowboy."
" This isn't easy for me girl," He replied.
" I am so sorry, I don't want to hurt you in anyway," She wrote." You have meant more to me
than anyone I have ever known but I can not handle anymore pain. I did not know that I
would ever care about someone so much, but you sure walk in my soul Cowboy."
" I am deeply moved by that," he wrote. "What can I say?"
Oh Cowboy, she thought, just say you love me and can't live without me, But she
wrote. " If I ever have the good fortune of even coming close to meeting someone like you
again, I will make sure he is ready and that he do not have old flames to rekindle, he will be
totally free as I am."
"Well," he wrote. " I am free at this point, fact remains though at this point in my life I just
need to hold off on everything period, and for no bad reason on your behalf. Just today I told
a friend of mine the soul power that you have within you, and I have not even met you yet."
"You really told a friend about me?" she asked. "I thought I was perhaps just a dirty secret
that you didn't want anyone to know about. I am truly sorry for thinking that way."
" Hey no problem," he replied.
" Yaw it is Cowboy. I should have known better," she wrote. "But it is nice to think that you
wanted to share me with your friend. I will not forget that."
" Yaw, I guess you did not understand me," he wrote. Well and we are somewhat distanced."
" I know," she replied. 'But there are men overseas in the army who stay true to their
girlfriends. Love knows no boundaries Cowboy."
" Yes that is true," he wrote.
" There are more to love than touch, taste or feel," she responded. "It is the bonding of two
spirits," she continued, ' you and I should know that, of all people, we are special people in that
we feel with our souls and spirits. We don't have to be close to each other, to feel smell and
probably even taste each other. I know that is true for me."
" Well you have a lot of heart and soul in you Rai,” he wrote. "I know that all too well."
" Well I guess I will have to go, we'll talk later." wrote Rai.
The next morning Rai sat at her computer to do some more writing when cowboy signed in.
" Good morning Filly," he wrote.
" Hey Cowboy," she responded.
"There is something I need to tell you," he wrote.
A sinking feeling started in the pit of Rai's stomach, she knew this was it, he was gonna say
goodbye. "Ok, tell me,” she replied. 'But please be gentle.'
" I am going to put us on friends only status," he replied. " I am just going to take a break.
No girls for sometime for me," he continued. "Nothing against you though."
" Ok, that means no phone calls, right?" she wrote.
" Yes, I guess so," he responded.
" Friend status is friend status," she wrote back. " I am cool with that."
" I appreciate that thanks," he responded.
" Cowboy I would love to have you has a friend," she wrote. "Who knows maybe we will meet
someday and find that we want to be together!"
" That could very well be," he wrote back. "Well I hope you have a very wonderful day."
" You to Cowboy," Responded Rai.
After Rai went offline that sinking feeling would not leave her.
The next few days went by slowly with not a word from Cowboy. Whenever Rai signed online
Cowboy was either offline or signed to away. He did not respond to her hellos. Her heart was
breaking. 'How could he be so insensitive?' she thought. Some nights she cried herself to
sleep.
One evening she sat at her desktop trying to decide if she should write or not when
she saw Cowboy sign in.
" Hey Cowboy," she wrote.
" Hey filly!" he wrote back. "What’s up?"
" Not much," she responded. "Hey," she continued. "You have not been on for a while,
where were U?"
" Oh I had some things I had to take care of," he wrote.
" I don't think this just friends status is going to work,” she wrote. "How can a person go
from what we had to just friends?"
"Well what can I say?" he responded.
" Cowboy you are the only man who has totally turned me inside out, rubbed my senses,
and I can not even delete your msn or hotmail. It would be like getting rid of a piece of myself."
" Wow, what can I say," he wrote.
" You don't have to say a darned thing!" she wrote.
" Ok then I will just listen," He responded.
"Well here goes nothing," wrote Rai. "What do I have to lose? There is nothing that can
be done about it, so it's like this. I never in my imagination, 'which can be pretty active,'
thought that I would fall in love with someone just by communicating on internet or telephone.
specially with a playboy like yourself. You did not only play with my emotions. You played
with my heart,soul,and spirit. I was so torn when I fully realized that it wasn't going to go any
further. My heart may be broken but I will not allow anyone to break my spirit!" Rai's anger
was evident as she continued. "I am who I am because no matter what, I am still strong and like
heck will I ever let something like this happen again! The other person will be the one hurting
not me! I can play a good game if I put my mind to do it! So what can you say to that or are
you still stuck for words!?
" Well," Cowboy wrote. "This is very serious. I can say I am sorry for having hurt you Rai.
This was not my intention, but it did happen and it is not right. You are a wonderful lady and
you deserve a good man. I hope you will find one, time may be of the essence here. I am also
hoping to find the right one. I know I need to be patient which I struggle with."
Oh Cowboy, Rai thought. Why can't I be the right one, but instead she wrote. " You had no
freaking business putting your profile on a dating site if you knew you were still hung up on an
eight year liaison! There are still good women out there like me who can get hurt. You
should not have been so stupid!
"You may say whatever you want to me now," responded Cowboy. "I will listen once."
" This is why women can't trust," wrote Rai. "Because of irresponsible guys like you!
And then you wanted sex! I know I did it but it was against my bitter judgment, but once
I started I could not stop. I was going deeper, I should have known, I blame myself a lot
because I should have been smarter. I find it so hard to stop thinking about you. You're like a
disease that I can not get rid off. I have cried more tears since I met you than I have cried
over any man. You are right it is not fair! It is too bad that I thought I was the one!
Pretty dumb huh? To think that Mr. Cowboy would ever consider wanting me! Well what do
you have to say Cowboy!?
"Well this is hard stuff," he responded. "It makes me think a lot. I have not been careful
of what I am doing. So I have done wrong. I will need to ask your forgiveness.
"I think I have forgiven you a long time ago," wrote Rai. "but it still doesn’t make the hurting
go away. Sometimes I wonder why I let myself be taken in like that. It was has much my fault
has yours cause I should have been more careful. Now I have to feel all this pain and pray my
heavenly father can forgive and hold me in His loving arms cause He has gotten me through
so much in the past."
"Well," wrote Cowboy. "I like seeing the faith you have and rely on. We both need to do
that.
"Yeah, that’s true," Rai responded. "But I do need to ask your forgiveness for those
things I said."
" That’s ok," he wrote. " I am probably to blame for the most of it. You are right. I should
have never put my profile on any dating site if I wasn't ready."
" Well I need to ask your forgiveness," she wrote back. "Because after today I will not be
chatting with you for sometime. I need to heal, but I will keep you on my msn."
"Ok Filly," Cowboy responded. " Whatever is good for you, but I will miss you though.
" Me to, Cowboy, me to." she wrote. "Goodbye."
The days went by slowly for Rai. She rededicated herself to God asking His forgiveness
for the way she behaved while knowing Cowboy. She began chatting to others on the site
and one day she received a message from a man who was ten years younger than herself.
He was so taken by her profile he introduced himself has Skylar.
They chatted for weeks getting to know each other. He was so sweet, caring and gentle.
Rai felt safe and truly loved by him because he had declared his love for her.
He lived in the states but was willing to come to Canada to meet her.
He was also a missionary and that intrigued Rai because she had always wanted to go into the
missionary field, helping the homeless. So they set up a time to meet.
Finally when he was supposed to arrive she waited at the airport for him and then she
saw him coming down the escalator. He looked exactly as he did in the pictures he sent
her, tall and handsome. Her heart skipped a beat has he recognized her. She walked towards
him, and standing a couple feet apart they just stared at each other. Then they both took the
couple steps that separated them.
She wrapped her arms around him has he enfolded her. Her tears began flowing down her
cheeks and as she pulled back a bit and saw the tears in his eyes she knew without a doubt
why her and Cowboy would never have been together. This godly man in front of her was the
one she was meant to be with.
They were in his motel room talking about the goodness of God and how He had brought
them together. He proposed to her right there and then and she accepted. They both knew this
was real. He stayed a week at the motel and they spent every waking hour together. He made
no sexual advances towards her because they had both made a promise to God to wait until
their wedding night. It was kind of hard though because the kissing and the holding was very
passionate.
The time came and Skylar had to go back to the States to do business while Rai
stayed behind and made wedding plans. She was on her computer one day when she saw
Cowboy sign in. Then she remembered a conversation they had where she had asked him
would he take photographs of her wedding if she ever found someone to marry and he said
he would. It had been seven months since she had spoken to him, she wondered if he would
message her back. It was worth a try because he had told her he was a photographer and she
had seen some of his work and it was good.
" Hey, Cowboy!" she wrote. "What’s up?"
" Hey Filly!" he responded. " Not much, and you?"
" Well that’s why I messaged you," she wrote." remember when I asked you if you would
take photos of my wedding if I ever met someone and married?"
" Yes," he wrote. "Are you getting married?"
" Yes I am," she wrote back.
Then she proceeded to tell him everything that had happened since she had spoken
with him last.
" It is the will of God," she wrote.
" Yes and I will be happy to do your photo shoot for you," He responded.
" Thanks Cowboy." she wrote. "But we won't be able to meet and discuss things until
my wedding day because I have so many other things to do. A month is not a long time to plan
a wedding."
" That’s ok I am good at working under pressure,” He wrote
" Thanks, see you than," she replied.
The month proved to be hectic with all the running around and some of Rai's family
living in different parts of the province, which made it harder to connect. Skylar returned from
the States and she had one of her family to put him up until the wedding. Finally her wedding
day arrives, and Rai had her bridesmaids at her apartment helping her to get ready when the
doorbell rang, Kathy her maid of honor answered the door.
It was no mistaking the male voice. Rai walked out of her bedroom and slowly descended the
stairs towards the sexiest man she ever laid eyes on. He was standing near the door, he looked
up and suddenly leaned against the door as if about to fall he held on to the knob with one hand.
She was a vision has she walked towards him.
The dress was a plain white with pink rosebuds all down the front and a little bolero jacket.
On her head was a small cowboy hat with pink rosebuds imprinted around the band and a little
veil attached
to the back of it that seemed to float behind like a gossamer cloud. Peeking from underneath
her dress were little white cowboy boots embroidered with pink stitching. Cowboy's face had
grown a little pale has he watched her. She walked up to him reached up one hand and touched
his face.
" Hi Cowboy," she whispered.
He caught her hand and pulled her to him in a big hug.
" Hi Filly," he whispered back.
She pulled back and looked at him. Blue eyes looking into blue eyes. They were both silent for
few seconds. Then Rai began telling him what she wanted.
The time came for them to go too the church, when Rai realized she had no one to give
her away. Then she mentioned it to Cowboy and he said he would do it. So that was settled.
They arrived at the church and Rai began her slow march into the future. As her eyes focused
on the precious man waiting at the alter for her she knew she had made the right choice this
time.
It was a week after her honeymoon and Rai was going through the TV channels while waiting
for her husband to come back with a movie and some pizza. A news channel caught her eye or
rather the man. It was a picture off Cowboy. She turned up the volume and the voice off the
newscaster was very serious has she related the tragic news. Apparently Cowboy had run into
a dead-end brick wall on his bike. He was taken to the hospital where an hour later he had died.
Rai did not hear anymore. The remote fell from nerveless fingers has she slid from the couch to
the floor. Great wrenching sobs broke from her lips.
" No, no, no," she cried, has blinding tears filled her eyes and ran down her face. " No
no, Cowboy, noooo!"
She got to her feet and went and sat down at her computer. Hoping there was some mistake,
that it was some cruel joke. Wanting to see Cowboy on there. She signed in and then his msn
window popped up.
Yes, she thought. It was a joke.
But she saw that she had gotten an offline message. Has she begun to read her heart sank. It
began.
"Hi Filly," it was a pleasure doing your photo shoot. I never realized how beautiful you
are. But it wasn't so much the physical beauty as the beauty that came from within. When I
looked into your face I saw a glow that is not off this world. You are truly a child off God, and to
think that I myself had tried to play with someone such has yourself. The gentleness I saw in
your eyes and no condemnation for me only love. Yes, I saw that and I know you really did love
me but I also saw the way you looked at your husband, in a way you could never look at me. It
was an whole different love altogether. I also saw a little bit of that wildness. I know some
people would mistake it for something bad, but it is a gift. A gift of being able to be
adventurous enough to try the unknown and that can be a good thing cause we need that
sometimes to survive this world." The tears were pouring down Rai's face has she read on.
" Filly has I walked you down that isle I wanted to say, "stop this is a mistake she
belongs to me," but it took all my strength to restrain myself. You were right I was stupid to go
on that dating site. And I was even more stupid not to see the love you had for me. Maybe
this is the way it should be, but I can not get your sweet face out of my mind. You haunt my
dreams by night and my thoughts by day. I am sorry my Wild Filly but I cannot go on
like this.
"Oh no, nooo Cowboy," sobbed Rai. 'No, no, no."
But she continued to read on.
"Please forgive me for what I am about to do, but I can not live without you.
Knowing that there was a possibility that you and I could have been together tears me up
inside. Remember when I told you I nearly died when I lost my ex? Well this is totally different
I have never felt a love like this. Please understand, that to live a lifetime without you is an
unbearable thing. So I will now say goodbye one last time. Goodbye my Wild Filly and keep
that spirit wild it will take you places. The Cowboy!
Once again gut-wrenching sobs broke from Rai's lips.
" Oh God!" She cried." Why, why, why? He was your child also!"
She managed to sign out off her msn and slump back onto the couch. Skylar found her
an half hour later, laying there staring into space. He laid down the pizza and rushed too
her side.
"What is it?" He asked.
" It's my fault!" She began to sob again. "It's my fault!"
" What’s your fault?" Asked Skylar.
Rai no longer able to keep her secret told her husband everything. He looked at her with
such love and compassion.
" Baby we all make stupid mistakes, but this is not your fault. Cowboy had his own
free will and he made his choice. You said he did not die instantly, so he had a chance to
ask for forgiveness.
Yes, thought Rai. He had a chance and knowing Cowboy he took it!
She looked at her sweet husband and gave him a tear filled smile.
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