Today I was tagged by @ameliabartlett to share things I forgive myself for. Amelia wrote an inspiring raw and honest list that I'll encourage you to go read! (And she was inspired to write this from this gem!)
10 pointer I found in our woods: an ode to the valiant self
So What Do I Forgive Myself For?
I'm going to go about this a bit differently. When I was tuning in and reflecting on things I forgive myself for, I realized I just wanted to dig into ONE ASPECT today, something I don't think I've ever written about publicly.
Since I was young, I've always felt different. Part of me felt like I didn't belong here and, in all honesty, the "game" of human interaction, society, keeping up with the joneses, "making it" -- however you want to call it-- never called to me.
I remember reading a line of Shakespeare in highschool that captured this feeling I had
"no luste to play"
That's truly how it felt and I remember seeing my dog laying on the floor before I'd go to school and wished I was a dog for the longest time.
Not to mention, my dog was always super cool:
Yes! that is me :)
This feeling always made me feel very isolated and alone. That perhaps everyone else had all the "luste to play" in the world and I was the odd one out who didn't really want to engage, didn't understand The Why of the game and didn't have any desire for it.
touching on it
To Forgive is defined as:
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
I want to liberate that part of myself that I think I have always thought of as a flaw or mistake of who I am.
Not wanting to take part in the Game that I saw going on around me has made me feel bad about myself. I have always felt like something was wrong with me- that I should want to play. I have secretly judged myself for this.
Just the other day, this part of me was speaking up again. I obviously have chosen to "Drop Out" of much of the culture at large (largely because I see it as a devastating and destructive force) and "Tune Into" natural off-grid living. I was having that "dogday" feeling again, where I just wanted no responsibilities, no path, no thoughts or weights on my being and I was struggling with that feeling, feeling bad for having it and wrong about myself in the face of comparing my responsibilities with so many others who work full time, have children to raise, people to take care of and so much more.
(photo from the summer after highschool before college)
It was one of those days and didn't honestly know how to break out of it.
I think in some ways this relates to PRODUCTIVITY and the capitalistic notion that if I'm not doing anything productive, I'm not worth anything. Time became money when people's days started to be seen in terms of how much they're worth. This has always disgusted me even before I understood that there used to be no such concept of an hourly wage or even an hour!
felt sense
In fact, I just read something that blew my mind in this must-have book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home by Toko-pa Turner:
While ancient Egypt was already measuring time by observing stars and the interplay of sun with shadow, it wasn't until the 14th century that mechanical clocks were invented and nature stopped being our gauge. Before that, people measured time with sundials - so at night, when the sun was no longer in the sky, we stopped measuring. We moved instead into a timeless time, the dark hour of the moon and tides and the rhythm of dreaming.
It was the Catholic church who standardized time, divvying up day and night into equal parts. Morning prayer bells rang to signal the beginning of the work day. There was a significant shift at the end of the 16th century when we began to count the minutes within an hour to measure the productivity of labourers. Hence, the concept of 'wasting time' was born into cultural consciousness. The Industrial Age established a tremendous pressure to be productive with time; it became culturally ensconced that 'time is money.' It wasn't until the 19th century that a standardized, uniform concept of time even existed.
Before "the clock" was invented, people went by the sun dial, that meant after the sun went down- there was no time! Can you imagine that? And the day wasn't broken up into milliseconds of productivity, it was a Day and then The Night- the interminable night of Darkness where we dreamt and then woke up ultimately to the sound of Church bells signaling another day.
Forgiving the Hard to Understand Parts
This post is my revelation to myself (and you all as my witnesses), to liberate this aspect of myself that I really never talk about. It's an absolution to that part of myself that wishes to be a dog, that doesn't want to play, that wants to travel forever, opt out of society, romp in the meadow without a care, abnegate all responsibility, sense of duty, chores and who feels like she's from another planet.
When I was little I always had ALL the questions. Why are we here and where did we come from and WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE? This is also a tribute to that part of myself who doesn't want to just rush ahead with life, this majestic mother fucking miracle, in favor of "taking part in the game"... this precarious so culturally time and place based myth that changes with each generation in its demands, fashion, kudos, and definition of what "winning" is...
Why waste my one precious life feeling that pressure to live up to absurd mercurial, time and place based demands?
<--- remember when this was the cultural dictate?
This is one Very Large Feeling thing that I forgive myself for for all of time.
Ultimately, I can see that this internal feeling has led me on a very good journey that takes me out of the cultural demands placed on my specific Ego, into seeing life as something much larger with a wide open field of possibilities of HOW I CAN BE and what i can do with my human life. I have found "luste to play" for some things since I've been here and in learning how to follow these self directed longings has been like following my very own special inner compass. No one can give me permission for this and I can thank my dog-self for shaking me out of the cultural game enough to be brave enough to listen to what i really have a lust for.
So I ask you, dear reader, What Do You Forgive Yourself For?
As this "challenge" was so liberating for me, I invite YOU to try it (whoever you are reading this) and tag me in it so I can read your responses.
Use the #forgivemyself tag and write up as many things as you want.
Formally I'll invite
- @birdsinparadise
- @walkerland
- @rawutah
- @indigoocean
- @riverflows
- @thegiftofself
- @anomadsoul
- @hethur240
- @lilyraabe
- @trucklife-family
- @sharoonyasir
- @brazen
No pressure, just a gentle invitation ;)
banner by @radicalunicorn
This is so powerful. I will see if I can take a stab at it within the next few days. Final countdown to the move!
thank you! ahh wishing you the best for the move! i know that can be such a busy time so no time specific pressure, although of course if you're inspired and find a moment whenever i'd love to hear your response <3
I felt so many emotions while reading this, you've written and shared so beautifully. I came back and read it three times. I actually don't have words to express what's on my mind and I can't seem to form a good reply but I wanted to tell you that this post really connected with me. It was as though you were speaking for me (far more eloquently than I could). It meant so much to read this. ♥
You are wonderful and beautiful and I am very happy that you are true to yourself and that I get to connect with you on here, beautiful post xx
thank you so much dear. the feeling is mutual. it's so good to have such a beautiful community of people to hold me as i open and share things i don't usually feel comfortable sharing with humans. love you.
I wonder how many of us feel this way on Steemit? Certainly the people I love are 'outsiders' (not to me) and i have keenly felt that from a very young age. I admire you for stepping into your own time. Your dog self is awesome.
Thanks for the tag. It was on the edge of something I was going to write soon for #mentalhealthmonday so I will tune in today and see if I can begin to articulate it in half a beautiful way as you do!
thank you for loving and embracing and even celebrating my dog self. man that feels so dog gam good! really looking forward to your post! you're an amazing and hilarious writer!! xoxo
Wonderful insightful post @mountainjewel. I am so happy to hear you are forgiving yourself for just being who you are! You're right, we're only on this earth for a short time and it's not meant to be a time filled with pain and suffering. You just be you! . A lot to ponder.
thank you my dearest and most beloved mother!! i hope to hear your response too xoxoxo
I used to consider "Time is money" very stressful along with many concepts raised by some egos on mortal race.
This is very beautiful. Timeless time might mean eternity that emerges when we stop counting time.
yes very stressful for the mortal race egos lol... this book is a truly beautiful gem and i trust it will be a classic in its time and beyond... <3 here's to timeless time!
I love this so much!!! Thank you for the invitation. 🙏🏽Yes!!! I have done a lot of self-forgiving lately. @rawutah and I both. We have this thing we say to each other when we start to go into the past mistakes we've made...we say..."I forgive us." It's so powerful.
I can totally relate to what you're saying here. One thing that has helped me to overcome this feeling is to say this, "Great Spirit, help me to forgive myself for using "(insert name or concept here)" to separate my self from your unconditional love and awareness that there is only ONE and only NOW." I accept your invitation and will ponder this...cause we deserve forgiveness. 😊 Thank you for the soul-sharing sister!!!
As a recovering addict, I have learned you can't begin to grow and move forward until you truly forgive yourself. You are often your own worst critic and biggest obstacle in life.
thanks for this @steven-patrick. have you written about your journey much on steemit? i for one would love to read it :)
Love it so much Mountain Jewel. I will write mine if it comes. :) I hope it does. The photos of your past are such treasures. Also everything you say about belonging..
Here you go, my darling heart @mountainjewel ... feeling a little raw for writing this, but that kinda feels good.... click here to read my heart thoughts
I can really identify with this. And looking at that picture of the women around the cake, i feel an absolute hell yes. Thats what i want. I want to be with my ladies in the kitchen. Its not that i want to do nothing. Its simply that the world doesnt value what i want.