A young Brooklyn transplant ordered a coffee in a Bushwick today, unaware he would go on to become the worst mass murderer of the 21st century, sources say. Andy Hilter, 27, arrived this morning at a coffee shop in the hip Brooklyn neighborhood and sampled a dirty chai latte oblivious to the fact that within decades he would become the principal author and mastermind of a global conflict that would take the lives of over 100 million people.
Finishing his signature with his characteristic flourish on the Squarereader app screen, Hilter tipped his barista 20% unaware that one day his name would be synonymous with evil.
Sipping on the latte, Hilter sat down with roommate Alex Chalubnik, noise rock musician and future author of the memoir The Young Hilter I knew (2055). Over the course of their conversations, Hilter expounded at length on his desire to become a graphic designer and agreed to design the logo for his friends band, witnesses report.
As the two ordered another beverage, The young brooklynite confided in his friend that the Parson's School of Design had rejected his application. Putting on a strong face, Hilter told his friend that the experience only strengthened his resolve, oblivious to the fact that his half hearted attempts to become a graphic designer will lead him to destitution and that within a few weeks he will reside in a squalid boarding house in the company of pickpockets and transients where he will subsist on a paltry income derived solely from intermittent and low-paying Fiverr gigs. As he expounded on his love for design, Hilter, gesticulating wildly and pounding his fist on the table, had no idea future scholars would call his work "mediocre at best".
As the two left to get some fresh air Hilter, future architect of World War III, breathed in the cool November air without knowing that his lungs will be permanently damaged in a poison gas attack in the Iran war and that the brutal conflict will perversely give meaning to his hitherto meaningless life. "Nothing like a lazy November day" Hitler said without knowing that following defeat in the future Iran War he would be convinced by a "stab in the back" narrative and blame socialists for the betrayal.
As the two young men walked his friend flirted with two attractive young women. "Why do you waste your time with those floosies?" he said, having become a recent adherent to the "nofap" meme. Up to this point there is still no evidence of a sexual experience on his part. As the future dictator abstained from masturbation he remained ignorant of the fact that one day every last facet of his sexual perversions would be explored and mined for insight into his sick mind in endless history channel documentaries that future mothers will doze off to.
As the two young men strolled down Bushwick Avenue they happened upon a microbrewery and entered to wet their whistles. As Hilter enjoyed a chocolate stout he launched into a hypnotic recap of the last episode of Twin Peaks. Hilter, long enamored with the work of David Lynch, had been following the latest season of Twin Peaks intently. "In my opinion Herr Lynch has devised a system for the differentiation not only in the human consciousness between good and evil, but also the hoard of scientific knowledge that alienates us from our species life. We long to regain the oneness with nature enjoyed by animals and our pre-conscious ancestors" the future dictator said, the froth still dripping from his upper lip.
As Hilter reached for his wallet he realized he had no money . "Don't worry" Chalubnik said "I'll get this round". As Hilter lamented his poverty he was unaware that in the future he would be well compensated by wealthy industrialists after joining the Heritage Foundation and becoming involved in its paramilitary wing. Taking another swig of beer, he was wholly unaware that he would gain the trust of the Koch brothers after infiltrating socialist organizations and that these very same industrialists would aid him in his 2033 seizure of power.
"Thanks for the round, Alex" I'll make it up to you one day, the young Hilter said, unaware that he would take his life in an underground bunker below Washington after leading the nation into a disastrous war.
God, this is getting lost. The one thing about Steemit that sucks: Volumes of great content buried. Repost when you're famous...
Well...this was enlightening.
I'd love to know how long you took thinking this up and exactly how hard you laughed in the process.
That would also be illuminating. Dare I say, "illuminaughty". Hey, there's your next prompt! Get on it, your audience demands to be entertained!
I don't get why your writing doesn't gain more traction, have you tried commenting on other people shi... stuff to drag them in.
Yeah maybe, I'm a little aloof on here. I don't play they game. There was a period where whales voted on it, but that stopped mysteriously. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Any idea who I can reach out to?
Try @trafalgar, he's probably the funniest whale I can think of. @hanshotfirst is another good guy with a good sense of humour. I haven't got it all figured out myself so not the best guy for advice. Consistency and smoozing, basically back scratching and bait dropping.
Thanks, I sent them some messages ;)
Actually I looked them up on steemit chat. Do you know a better way to contact them?
Read their stuff, leave a Pulitzer Prize winning comment. Can't force friends, but you can solicit yourself in more creative ways.
I think you just described Ezra Levant but with actual war experience.