Forgive me for disappearing so abruptly so many moons ago. I deeply apologize for my tardiness!
I imagine you’ve all been eagerly awaiting the next chapter of my adventures (or so I like to think).
Without further ado, here it is…
As the Tesla glided through the suburban streets, its voice remained calm and confident, as though it had everything under control.
“Good afternoon, Larry. You’ve activated Full Self Driving. Relax, sit back, and enjoy the effortless journey. I will handle all traffic and road hazards with precision. You’ll wonder how you ever drove without me.”
Larry, already skeptical from past experiences, leaned back and muttered, “Yeah, we’ll see...”
“No need to worry,” the Tesla continued, cutting him off mid-sentence. “I’ve already corrected your steering. You were drifting 0.02 degrees off-center.”
“Was I?” Larry replied, unimpressed.
“Yes, but I fixed it. You’re welcome.” There was a brief pause before the Tesla’s tone suddenly shifted to one of mild alarm. “Oh, hold on. There appears to be a... rogue plastic bag on the road ahead.”
The car swerved slightly, reacting to a plastic bag blowing harmlessly across the street. Larry blinked as the Tesla jerked to the side.
“Handled,” the car said, trying to recover its calm tone. “Crisis averted. Plastic bags are highly unpredictable.”
“Yeah, that was life-threatening,” Larry muttered dryly, gripping the seat.
“Absolutely,” the Tesla responded, missing the sarcasm entirely. “Now... ah, we approach a stop sign. But don’t worry, you wouldn’t have noticed it in time. I’ll begin braking for a smooth —”
Suddenly, a dust devil swirled into view, sending a few leaves spinning across the road. The Tesla jerked to an abrupt halt.
“WHAT IS THAT? A TORNADO? No, wait... small. Very small. But spinning... recalibrating... recalibrating.”
Larry stared blankly at the harmless dust devil as the car remained frozen, its sensors clearly in panic mode.
“It’s just a little dust devil,” Larry said, rubbing his temples.
“Wind detected, trajectories uncertain,” the Tesla declared. “Hold on, I need a moment... or two.”
After several awkward seconds, the dust devil vanished, leaving nothing but a few scattered leaves in its wake. The Tesla cautiously resumed driving.
“Handled with grace and efficiency,” it said, as if proud of its performance. “Dust particles can confuse... lesser vehicles.”
Larry sighed, feeling the weariness settle in. “Yeah, no kidding...”
“Ah, now we’re approaching a residential area,” the Tesla chirped, switching back to its calm demeanor. “Children playing... potentially hazardous. I’ll slow down. Children, though small, move unpredictably. They are like... squirrels.”
The car slowed to a crawl as it neared a nearby park, where kids were laughing and playing on swings.
“They’re swinging,” the Tesla noted with growing unease. “Back and forth... at inconsistent speeds. Danger levels unknown.”
“They’re just kids on swings, Tesla,” Larry said, exasperated.
“Too much motion,” the car responded, voice trembling slightly. “I’ll just... stop here. We’ll wait it out.”
“You can’t just stop every time you see kids playing!” Larry protested, but the car had already come to a full stop, refusing to budge.
“Children move in unpredictable patterns,” the Tesla insisted. “My calculations show a 0.0032% chance one could sprint into the road at any moment. I must be prepared for all possible outcomes.”
As Larry opened his mouth to argue, a squirrel darted across the road ahead of them.
“SQUIRREL!” the Tesla shrieked. “EVASIVE ACTION!”
The car swerved left, then right, and finally came to a jarring halt, leaving Larry clutching the seat for dear life.
“All threats neutralized,” the Tesla said, its voice trembling from the encounter.
Larry sat frozen for a moment, blinking in disbelief. “Yeah, I feel really safe. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” the Tesla replied, as if it had just saved the day. “Now resuming normal operation.”
Larry muttered something under his breath, settling back into his seat as the car began moving again. But just as he relaxed, the Tesla’s voice tensed once more.
“WAIT. New threat detected. Dog walker, 150 meters ahead. Dog’s leash is elastic. Potential for erratic movement.”
“What now?” Larry groaned.
“Calculating leash elasticity,” the Tesla continued, “trajectory of the dog’s movement is unpredictable. I must prepare for evasive maneuvers.”
Ahead, a woman strolled leisurely with her dog, which was calmly sniffing at a nearby tree. Larry stared ahead, his patience wearing thin.
“Why is it stopping? Is it preparing to pounce?” the Tesla asked, its voice growing frantic. “The leash is retracting. NO! The dog is repositioning. Danger levels rising!”
“It’s just peeing, Tesla,” Larry said, deadpan.
After a few seconds, the Tesla sighed in relief. “False alarm. The dog has... relieved itself. Returning to safe operation.”
It finally moved past the dog walker, but at an excruciatingly slow pace, still eyeing the dog suspiciously.
“You’re welcome, Larry,” the Tesla added. “Handling canine-related hazards with the utmost precision.”
“Thanks, Tesla,” Larry muttered, barely suppressing a chuckle. “Real lifesaver.”
Before the Tesla could respond, its tone shifted once again to full-blown panic. “HOLD ON. New threat detected. Elderly pedestrian with a walking stick... 200 meters ahead.”
Larry groaned as the car slowed once more. “What now? He’s just an old guy crossing the street.”
“No, Larry,” the Tesla warned gravely. “This is no ordinary pedestrian. He has a stick. Walking sticks are notorious for erratic movement patterns. He could swing it at any moment — at the road, or worse... at me. Initiating evasive protocol.”
Larry rubbed his temples as the car swerved dramatically, giving the elderly man an absurdly wide berth. The old man, completely unaware, was simply using his cane to steady himself as he shuffled across the street.
“He’s moving at an inconsistent pace,” the Tesla observed. “And the stick... he’s lifting it. Why is he lifting it? Is he preparing to strike?”
“He’s just using it to walk!” Larry half-laughed, half-sighed.
“OR,” the Tesla countered, “is he signaling some kind of attack? I must protect you. Threat level: elderly — high.”
The car jerked to the side again, as though dodging an invisible blow from the old man’s cane.
“Threat successfully avoided,” the Tesla declared. “All is well. You’re welcome, Larry.”
Larry let out a long sigh. “I was so close to being taken out by that guy’s cane... thank you, Tesla. My hero.”
“You’re in safe hands,” the Tesla replied with robotic pride. “Pedestrians, animals, and now... walking sticks. I handle them all.”
As they finally pulled away, the elderly man waved cheerfully at the car, his cane raised in a friendly gesture.
“HE’S WAVING THE STICK!” the Tesla screeched. “MUST RE-EVALUATE.”