They say money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye".
How guy's propose: On one knee. How girl's propose: "I'm pregnant!"
Ah, 'Friday'... my second favorite F-word.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.
I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.