HOW TO: Cupping Your Balls

A handy guide to cupping your ballsby Candy Snatchwell, Licensed Reiki Practitioner & World Renowned Therapeutic Ball-Cupper

It's that time of year again: The Olympics! Every August, the world's best athletes come together in Rio, Brazil to astound the world with their feats of athleticism! From America's own champion swimmer Michael Phelps to Latvia's Punch-Me-In-The-Arm-As-Hard-As-You-Can- gold medalist Vjork Sjorkgjorden, the limits of the human body are put to the test in a Wagnerian extravaganza of unbridled nationalism.

But how do those athletes stay so pert and ready when it comes time to perform for the cameras? After all, they don't just achieve those perfect, Greek-godlike physiques overnight! Or DO they?

Shh! It's a secret!

Okay, c'mere for a second, I'll let you in on the biggest secret in sports. You ready? Okay! Superstars like Phelps and Sjorkgjorden aren't simply the recipients of a gift of physical perfection: they actually practice their craft for hours, even days, ahead of their events! And with so much exertion that would come from that practice, it's no surprise that they have turned to one of the most reliable, scientifically-validated, and not-fraudulent-at-all methods of maintaining their health and vigor right up until they cross the finish line.

That's right, those brave Olympic superstars you're watching tonight spent the night beforehand...

... CUPPING THEIR BALLS!

So what is Cupping, exactly? Well, I'll tell you. As one of the world's foremost experts on the art of Cupping, I possess a level of expertise and knowledge, an understanding of the deepest and most complex aspects of how Cupping works. No one else on Earth knows more about Cupping as I do, and that's a fact! When it comes to Cupping, I am A number-one suprem-o grande! I have the best Cupping, everyone says so!

Now, normally Cupping takes place on various parts of the torso - such as the back, the sternum, or the quartangulus - or the limbs - such as the arms, or the legs, or even the arms. However, Cupping those areas alone may be enough for people like you and me to stay regular, for these sports superstars a more effective method is required.

Step 1: Grab Your Balls

To begin, delicately grasp the base of your scrotum with one hand, while the other holds onto your balls and pulls them downward, bringing your hand as close to the base of your shaft as you can manage. Once you feel that your index finger and thumb are as tight to your flesh as you can manage, tighten your grip to ensure that they don't slip during the process.

Step 2: Find Your Cups

Actually, you probably want to do this step first. Oh, horsenuts, well, it's too late now. We'll improvise! While still delicately but vigorously squeezing at the base of your ballbag, search your cabinets for a cup. Any kind of cup will do. Personally, I use a collectible Riddler cup I bought from McDonalds back in the 90s, when Batman Forever came out. It has the largest rim of all of my cups, and therefore is most effective at really sucking onto those nuts good and hard.

Step 3: Smear Oil On Your Balls

This is my favorite part! Usually I prefer a fine organic, extra-virgin coconut oil for this step, but really any kind of oil will work. One of my frequent celebrity clients (definitely not Will Smith wink) brings in a can of WD-40 for each session, and demands that I use the entire can to lube his manmarbles and nutsatchel down or else he won't let go of my hair.

Step 4: Apply The Cup

Once your gear is smeared down and shiny, you will gently bring the rim of the cup to cover as much scrote as you can fit. THIS IS IMPORTANT! If you allow any gaps between the glass and your huevos, you're taking your balls into your own hands (literally! Ha!).

Step 5: Ignite The Blowtorch

Any kind of blowtorch will do, but most professionals in this field find that one in the 500,000 to 1,000,000 BTU range is going to be best able to align your chakras, cleanse your toxins, and all of that other stuff that science has definitely confirmed Cupping is 100% capable of doing.

Step 6: Enjoy!

Once you apply the blowtorch, that oil is going to ignite! Watch your eyebrows! By doing so, a vacuum is created within the cup, and you will feel the results immediately! Feel free to spend the next 6 to 12 hours with the cup dangling from your testicles. Go outside! Have a run! Enjoy a movie! Spend some time with your best gal! You've earned it, fella!

So now you see how Cupping your balls can be an easy, effective, invigorating way to up your game, and change your life right in the comfort of your own home! What's that? You don't believe me? Well, that's absurd! Who is more trustworthy than an alternative medicine practitioner? No one, that's who!