I'm going to open by relating what I think is the funniest text message I have ever received. You may not agree, because you had to be there really. To fully appreciate it I suppose you'd have to know the woman concerned as well as I did. I'm still going to share, because I'm laughing about it now. It's funny to me and I only write things that are funny to me. I don't pander. Let me set the scene. There I am in an after business hours meeting with my fellow sales managers and the sales director. As far as I remember. It's all about sales targets, new promotions and commissions. Boring as fuck really. My phone was on vibrate. It went off much to the directors annoyance. I silenced it by sticking it in my pocket. It was after 7 at night and I wanted to go home. But no there was more shit they needed to discuss. Things had become a bit heated because the new commission structure gave us all less commission. The director decided we could take a cigarette break or whatever. When we all got back the sales director wasn't there. I'd got myself one of those crappy vending machine coffees, because after business hours that was the only beverage available. As I'm taking my first sip of the awful sludge I pull my phone out of my pocket remembering I'd received a text message. It was from my good mate Jean (not her real name). I opened it. She'd sent me the following : "I've just had my first circumcised cock." Coffee shot out of my nose. Despite the pain of the burning and the shitty coffee I was rocking with laughter. Coffee had sprayed all over the shiny meeting room table. My fellow managers demanded to know what the text was. They took the phone from my hands and knowing Jean, almost as well as I did, they were rocking with laughter from then until the returning sales director understood he wasn't going to get any further with the meeting. So he sent us home. I said you had to be there.
(The copyright to this image is the property of Grammarly.)
It might not be funny to anyone else, but I don't care. I remembered it last night and it was twenty minutes before I stopped laughing. YOU HAD TO BE THERE. It gave me the brilliant idea of starting a website full of stories that were only funny if you were there. I've seen worse ones. Like the top 100 funniest jokes. 99 of which I've seen before and aren't funny either. If they can get away with that kind of shit, why can't I? I desperately need a laugh right now. I've had a dry cough for three days so I'm thinking I might have the coronavirus. No other symptoms whatsoever, but I'm self isolating at this time. Apart from when I go to the maternity hospital and cough all over the babies. They'll be fine. They're already in hospital.
The Museum of the Bible in Washington DC, founded by Evangelical Christian billionaire Steve, has just discovered their collection of Dead Sea Scrolls are all fakes made out of shoe leather. Seems there is a God after all and he hates Evangelical Christians.
I'm very short on inspiration today. I can usually get it from news and other crap I find on the internet. However, as some of you may know, the whole virus thingy is taking up most of the headlines. I've got a horrible feeling this may continue for quite some time. Which is unfortunate, because it's always good to have a laugh when you're staring death in the face. He's got a wicked sense of humor. Some nights, when we're out collecting souls, we laugh for hours at a time. Death gets a very ad rap if you ask me. He's just doing his job after all and for the next few months he's going to be extremely busy.