Shawn tweeted @ 10 Dec 2014 - 18:56 UTC
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. "It's pronounced Jarfield" he says through tears
kristen drum tweeted @ 02 Apr 2015 - 16:41 UTC
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
tim donakowski tweeted @ 04 Nov 2013 - 19:33 UTC
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Pin Up Teacher tweeted @ 01 May 2014 - 14:23 UTC
I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.
Beau Hartenstine tweeted @ 03 Jul 2014 - 02:24 UTC
In a disturbing national trend, dogs are becoming less concerned with who's a good boy.
KING RAINHEAD tweeted @ 25 Nov 2014 - 18:55 UTC
me when other people get sick: it's probably bc of their awful garbage lifestyle
me when i get sick: why do bad things happen to good people
nige [ham] tweeted @ 31 Mar 2015 - 21:34 UTC
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: "and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth"
HER: "I must have sex with you immediately"
pascalle tweeted @ 30 Apr 2015 - 00:15 UTC
i've trained my body to wake up every time netflix pauses and press continue
Fro Vo tweeted @ 14 Dec 2013 - 01:37 UTC
"hey what's that sqiggly thing on the ground?"
"i don't know, it looks kinda like a w or m"
-- how the worm got its name
Sage Boggs tweeted @ 11 Sep 2013 - 02:00 UTC
Jackson 5
X S Club 7
X Electric 6
- Blink 182
- Maroon 5
- Eve 6
- U 2
Sum 41
shut up, mike tweeted @ 27 Nov 2014 - 16:15 UTC
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
Mara Wilson tweeted @ 19 Dec 2014 - 05:11 UTC
Sometimes I think I'm cool and then I remember I was one of those roller backpack kids
JasonLastname tweeted @ 18 Feb 2015 - 17:43 UTC
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
"Sir, here's your 17 big macs and a large milkshake."
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
moody monday tweeted @ 05 Feb 2015 - 11:26 UTC
Shhhh no more words. We have emojis now.
rory tweeted @ 13 Jul 2013 - 02:43 UTC
"How fast can you hack into the system!?" "20-25 minutes." "You've got 10 minutes!" "Okay, well then I can't." - real life spy dialogues
Nathan Usher tweeted @ 08 Jan 2015 - 12:21 UTC
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100% prepared to figure skate at all times.
kiddo tweeted @ 18 Nov 2016 - 23:20 UTC
Employer: so the position is 80 hrs a week, unpaid, exploitive
Me, not listening because im face swapping with a cactus: Perfect
Doth tweeted @ 14 May 2012 - 16:38 UTC
I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.
mindflakes tweeted @ 13 Mar 2015 - 12:25 UTC
It's a good idea to say "I know you can talk" to every animal you meet, just in case.
mark tweeted @ 09 Jun 2015 - 20:58 UTC
Hey Lean Cuisine don't tell me to cook something at 50% power and then stir it, I'm not a master chef.