How to Meet Your Needs in Real Life

There is a reason why you love fantasy worlds so much, and it's really simple: they allow you to fulfill all your human needs in a convenient way. Unfortunately, even though it's convenient, it's an unhealthy way to meet the needs and causes a lot of problems in the long run. In this article, I'll explain what your needs are, how stories and video games are meeting them, and how you can meet them in a more healthy way.

There are Six Human Needs that drive all human behavior as Tony Robbins discovered. Even though there are many other models of human needs, I found the Six Human Needs really helpful to understand and improve my client's lives, and they'll also be helpful for you to understand yourself and the people around you.

In this article, I'll go through all human needs and explain how spending time in fantasy worlds is meeting them. Then I'll give you some ideas of how you can meet each need in the real world in a healthy and enjoyable way.

1. Certainty/Comfort

The first need is the desire to be safe and comfortable. We want to know we're going to be okay, and that we have a safe place to live and enough food available. Certainty also means that we are in control and know what is going to happen next.

How fantasies meet this need

When you're reading a book, watching a movie, or playing a video game, you're sitting comfortably at home. You don't have to go out and expose yourself to unknown situations. Within the fantasy world, you can be pretty certain that things will work out and the characters will be fine. It's not a coincidence, that almost all popular stories have a happy ending; it's what people want. They want a story to tell them that it's going to be okay.

If your medium of choice is a video game, there's a possibility for failure, but you can always reload if something goes wrong, so the stakes aren't too high compared to the real world where no save and load functions exist.

How to meet this need in the real world

The real world is a messy, complicated and dangerous place; that's probably why you're trying to escape from it. I get that, but life is only worthwhile if you actually live it, so you can't avoid the real world if you want to really enjoy your life. There is something you can do to make the real world safer, however, and that's investing in yourself.

You can improve your self-confidence and your skills to navigate the real world. If you know you can handle everything that life throws at you, you'll feel safe under any circumstances. You can also learn to handle discomfort much better, and if you do, you won't have to be afraid of change anymore. I started taking cold showers, for example, to practice handling discomfort, and while I still feel the cold, it doesn't bother me anymore.

Ultimately, the easiest way to create certainty is to learn to trust yourself and your abilities. Hiding in your room is not a permanent solution.

2. Uncertainty/Variety

Even though we want certainty, we also want variety and uncertainty. Those two needs are often the cause of internal struggle and some people favor variety, while other people value their certainty.

Variety encompasses emotions like excitement, spontaneity, surprise, freedom, and creativity, and it keeps us from getting bored.

How fantasies meet this need

Your imagination is the ultimate variety machine. It can take you to new worlds within seconds it can make fantastic stories come to life. Each book, game, or movie can show you things that you've never seen and experienced before. In each story, you meet new characters and go on new adventures, and there's more material available than you could consume in your lifetime.

But the experience is limited. You're never actually leaving your apartment and only a few of your senses are engaged. And you don't have much influence on what is going on; you're just a passive passenger without any say in where to go next.

How to meet this need in the real world

I always thought that the real world was boring and games were much more exciting than anything I could experience in the real world, but that was only because my fear was keeping me from trying anything new. I can tell you now that getting on a plane to Brazil and staying there for three months was much more interesting than everything I had ever experienced through media consumption, and it was well worth the risk of getting robbed.

There are so many things that you can do if you want to experience variety. You can learn a new language and talk to people on Skype, or actually go to the country where the language is spoken. You can start a new hobby, or go to different meetups and learn what other people are doing. The possibilities are endless even if you don't have much money.

3. Significance

The third need is the desire to feel important. We all want to be recognized for what we do and we want others to acknowledge our value.

How fantasies meet this need

In our fantasy, we can save the world and get admired by everyone. Since we are really good at feeling what we think other people are feeling, we also feel pride when the hero saved the world and there's a parade in his honor.

How to meet this need in the real world

The first step to meet this need is to actually do something that other people think is worth acknowledging. Maybe it's an awesome skill like playing an instrument or solving a Rubik's cube in 10 seconds; it could also be doing a good job at work or fixing your neighbor's car. The next step is then that someone acknowledges what you did. So make sure you surround yourself with the right people who appreciate what you're doing.

If that fails, you can also buy a status symbol like a watch, car, or smartphone; you can build a huge Twitter following; you could make a ton of money, or you can live in the forest without any money. Anything that makes you stand out from the crowd can be used to meet this need.

4. Love/Connection

Everyone wants to be loved, even if they don't admit it. We long to have friends and we all want to have a place we belong. To meet this need, we have to experience emotions like caring, passion, belonging, and being adored.

How fantasies meet this need

Have you ever cried when a character died? That's because you formed a connection with that character. Human beings are amazing and can build a connection with pretty much anything like fictional characters, cars, and even pillows

How to meet this need in the real world

I know many people are struggling with finding someone who loves them and I can tell you why. We are taught that it's dangerous to love someone before they love us, so everyone is waiting for someone else and there's no one to take the first step.

I'm here to tell you, that you can love first. To meet this need it's enough to love others, even if they don't love you back. Open your heart to other people and you'll feel good and enjoy yourself.

Other, not recommended ways to meet this need include masturbation, food, and feeling sad or depressed.

5. Growth

Growth is a really important need, but many people neglect it because growth requires change and effort. To grow, you need to work on yourself and pursue new goals. And if you're not growing, you're declining. Everything changes and you have to make sure the change happens in the right way.

How fantasies meet this need

You can meet this need through games and stories, but it's a really poor way to meet this need because it's not really you who's growing. In games, you have level-ups that make you feel like you're going somewhere and developing and in almost all stories have the character grow in some way and you experience growth through them.

This way, you get the illusion of growth, but you're actually getting worse. You're characters are growing, but you're not.

How to meet this need in the real world

There are so many ways to grow as a person, as long as you know where you want to go. Maybe you want a better career or improve your relationships. Find something you want and start working. It doesn't matter at all if you reach your goals or not. Your real goal is to grow and you might grow even more if you fail to reach the goal you set for yourself. There's a lot that you can learn from failure.

6. Contribution

This need represents the human desire to help other people. We all want to be helpful to our friends and even people we've never met before. It feels good to help others, even better than to help ourselves.

How fantasies meet this need

In almost every story, the hero performs a selfless act. It's not always saving the world, but some form of sacrifice is always involved. That's why we like the character and we want to think of ourselves as a good person too.

How to meet this need in the real world

Contribution is a need on its own, but if you contribute to other people's lives, you can meet all of your needs at once, so it's in your best interest to help others and it's so easy to find someone in need. Almost everyone in this world needs help, even if they don't admit it, and you can be the person to give it to them. Just make sure you help because you want to, and not because you're afraid of feeling guilty if you don't. The desire to help has to come from the heart, or it doesn't count.

You can start by helping your friends and family members, or you can find a place to volunteer in a way you find enjoyable. There are a lot of possibilities out there if you bother to do some research.

How to apply what you've learned

Understanding the Six Human Needs helps us to understand our behavior and the people around us. If you know what need your meeting with a habit you want to change, you can find a healthier way to meet the same need and it will be much easier to let go of the old habit.

It also makes it easier to interact with other people. If someone at work criticizes you, it's probably not about you, but about their need for significance. If your partner doesn't want to go on an exciting vacation, it's not because they're boring, but because they need a lot of security. With this understanding, it's much easier to get along with the people around you.

So observe which needs are important to you and how you meet them and your actions and the actions of the people around you will make much more sense. And if you can, find a way to contribute to other people's well-being. It'll be good for you too.