If you haven't read the first part of this story, click here
With time, cash became scarce and with it the solidarity of the people. I saw the problem coming, so I set to work: I began to prepare for any orchestra auditions that might come up.
It was audition time, musicians were coming in and out of orchestras at full speed, the massive migration of excellent Venezuelan professionals was beginning to wreak havoc on the music. In just one year I think there were about 3 or 4 auditions for the big orchestras in the city. I did all of them and I failed in all of them, in some I was quite close, in others the performance was quite bad. In spite of the good preparation, nerves were always a big problem for me.
I remember that the last audition I did was one of the most demanding. At that time things were not going well, I had to play many hours in the subway to cover my basic expenses, on the other hand there was the university, the repertoire to work, the chamber music rehearsals and the theoretical exams. I played about 12 hours a day, ate little and stress was my eternal companion.
I felt that this audition was life or death, either I stayed and got the stability I was looking for, or I died from lack of cash.
Source
I didn't get...
After that I got injured, the flute stopped playing. It was obvious that my body would be affected after forcing it through so much. However... that will be a story for another publication.
The truth is that that morning, after reading the message where they said it was not what they were looking for, I felt that same fear of death. I understood that I had learned to relate rejection to such an atrocious fear. Even though my life was not in danger like before, I still felt like it was.
I reflected and asked myself: What if I'm afraid of failure? What if it doesn't matter if it's about orchestras, music, or anything else in life, I'm terrified of failing at anything? That would explain my anxiety about working, about doing what I know I have to do to get better. Maybe that's the reason why it's so hard for me to maintain a habit of constantly posting on social networks, of committing to weekly covers, to start showing the world what I do every day of my life. Maybe I'm afraid of people's rejection.
Source
I thought about all this on the way to the supermarket. Out loud and while I was telling my best friend everything. The next morning I woke up and had his answer. 30 minutes of conversation that I heard while I was making my coffee.
He told me about his history of failure, graduating with excellent grades as a sound engineer, trying to enter the music industry without any luck; despite his talent and knowledge, he "didn't have the experience" that everyone was looking for. He told me that success was a numbers game, before getting his first job in the Q&A industry, he sent out 200 emails a day, of which only 20 were answered and of those answers only 1 or 2 were "let's have a job interview to get to know you better". He told me that the first rejections hurt, but with time he got used to it, he accepted that life is about trying a thousand times until one day... it works.
I partly know, I had the opportunity to hear interviews of great flutists who have won many international competitions, and they tell how many times they auditioned before being in an orchestra. The numbers were about 15 times and more.
Source
Maybe I am, maybe I am afraid, and maybe the fear will end when I confront it, when I feel the failure over and over again knocking on my door, but the support of my family and friends, along with feeling safe, will keep me afloat. I have learned that I need to write, I need to make music, I need to tell stories. It's not about being famous or influencing or anything like that. It's about a deep need that comes from the depths of my being (it makes sense now that I'm a musician, right?)
Maybe I am, maybe I am afraid, and maybe the fear will end when I confront it, when I feel the failure over and over again knocking on my door, but the support of my family and friends, along with feeling safe, will keep me afloat. I have learned that I need to write, I need to make music, I need to tell stories. It's not about being famous or influencing or anything like that. It's about a deep need that comes from the depths of my being (it makes sense now that I'm a musician, right?)
Transparency, honesty in communication is inevitable for me. This kind of publication is so opposite to what we are used to consuming... Outside, in ig, in the videos, in the live, where everything is so perfect, where the makeup never looks bad, the hair doesn't frizz and the only emotion that exists is happiness. Where the only possible result is success. No gentlemen, that is not reality, life is not made of fairy dust, mansions or operations. Life is joy, but also much pain, anger and uncertainty, and that... all that, is what I want to communicate through my words and my music.
Thank you very much for reading me.