I haven't posted for a few days now, not because I haven't wanted to, but because of the lack of spare time. My wife is due any day now to have our second son which oddly enough, is quite emotionally unbalancing and draining for all three of us. Every little twinge and belly ache pumps us both full of adrenaline as we jump to action stations only to be let down and disappointed shortly after. Then it's onto calming, consoling and reassuring my wife that everything is fine and amazing and that he'll come when he's ready. It's a tough time for her as she's always in control of her body and mind. I feel that this is his lesson for her, to let go of control and be patient. Patience isn't something Lauren is good at. If she wants it, she goes and gets it, but as I keep reminding her, this isn't her show, yet. Then, throw a 2.5 year old full noise boy into the mix and it's just one chaotic mess. Our house hasn't been the most relaxing environment recently, which is unusual for us. Everything is usually free flowing and calm. We're generally routine free in our way of life when I'm not working away (I'm a fifo worker) as we like to keep it fresh and enjoyable, like a 2 week holiday every month. That's all gone out the window and the lack of what little structure we had has also thrown not only our sons way of life out, but mine too.
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I'm a total creature of habit. My life is loaded with rituals, but not structured by any timeline (I just make an effort to do them when I can). Some I've had since my late teens, others I've developed in recent years, but all are really important for me to function normally. It's how I keep my emotional fuel tank full. If I miss out on one here and there, I notice over time the impact it has on my ability to share space with others and give emotional support when it's needed. When Charlie was born, as first time parents find out pretty quick, the life as you once knew it has gone!!!!! The time of selfishness had run its course and it was now time to put on the responsibility hat. Actually that's a bit over dramatic, you don't lose your life and your identity, it just changes, and for the better. You have to adapt to your new way of life which includes small people now. It's like evolution I suppose. And as your children grow and evolve from tiny babies to small humans, you also have to take their wants, needs and rituals into consideration and adjust your timeline to cater for everyone. This is where it gets fucking hectic. A healthy balance for everyone IS possible and although it can be a bit challenging in the beginning, it does get easier with time, practice and some structure.
So after almost 3 weeks of non stop washing, cleaning, cooking, finger painting, running errands, shopping, gardening, first aid, massage therapist, moisturiser applicator, daddy daddy daddy and ZERO me time, I cracked it. I promised my wife that the lead up to the birth would consist of her taking a much needed break from the world to do whatever a super pregnant woman wants to do, and she's been so unbelievably appreciative of it, but I just didn't realise how unsustainable it would be and detrimental to my well being. There was no balance and I was running out of steam.
Now, me cracking it isn't some overly dramatic bonanza of anger and yelling, I just tend to crawl into my shell and go quiet which puts the energy in the household off, way off. To the untrained eye, nothing would seem different, but to my wife who's known me for 11 years, Armageddon has arrived and the world is coming to an end. So we spoke about it, something we should have done days ago. In an instant it was resolved. The solution was simple. It was time for me to take space!
So as I do before I head off somewhere, I set up the house, organised food for the two of them, prepped anything that might be needed while I'm gone, organised a relief person if she goes into labour until I get back and grabbed my boardies, towel, board and car keys. I'm outa here!!! Surfs up! I get in the car, put on my fav playlist, check the surf report, grab a coffee and head into Byron.
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As I made my way into town, not 5 minutes into the drive, I felt the tension slipping away and a feeling of calm had already started to take its place. Ahhh, there I am. Hidden beneath all the emotional chaos and domestic bliss I still resided somewhere in there. So I set up my temporary home on the beach and just took it all in. 15 minutes of meditation, random chats with the passing dog walkers followed by checking out all of the attractive holiday goers on the beach, then a surf. This is exactly what I needed. I was a different person, or was I? I realised that this was just the original me, basking in all of my solitary goodness. Nobody needed feeding or changing, nobody required anything of me. It was just...... me! And my god, it was fantastic. I felt calm yet excited and buzzing... recharged and after a few hours I was ready to head back home to continue where I left off.
Walking in the door and having both my wife and son hang off me for several minutes, smothering me with hugs and kisses just made the day complete. We had good chats and came to the realisation that it was a sustainable arrangement but some small changes needed to be made. Although sharing space together and talking about issues is very important for a healthy relationship, taking space is equally important too. The two are quite different.
It just goes to show that a little communication and time to take space makes a huge impact on our own mental health and stability, which in turn greatly affects the people you surround yourself with. This journey so far has shown me that running a home (which is generally done by a mother) is a tough, non-stop job that tests you in more ways than one. Us partners whom usually work and provide for the family don't often get to experience this wonderfully rewarding life and since I've been here full-time for a few weeks now, I have such a huge appreciation for my wife, my mother, sister and every other woman that runs the family home.
You're a fucking legend and an inspiration, you need to be told this!!
Now I'm certainly no expert but if you feel yourself disappearing into the abyss of everyday home life, talk to your partner and take some space. Be alone for a few hours, do something you enjoy, turn your phone off, be responsibility free and get to know the real you again. It may just make all the difference to balance you out.
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that was a good read! it's so important to take time to right yourself, no matter what else is going on in life! :) all the best to your family for the arrival of the new addition!
Thank you @kristenbruce. Still waiting!!!! Very impatiently. Hehe