I don’t change because of my stubbornness not to let go. I’m stubborn because deep down I’m scared of how things outside of my control may go - will i fail? - choose the easy option of holding onto my comfortable and familiar pain and know that i can always blame that for any of my failings.
This is what i do in most situations when faced with something new or difficult or just getting my life together a bit more - i remove myself from doing something good for myself, something healthy and exciting, and choose to take the painful way on purpose because I’m scared of how things will go.
But if i ask myself what am I scared off? It’s how happiness will go.
I honestly am afraid of happiness and good times. I feel like i am an imposter - i should be sad, i shouldn’t be happy like other people. It’s sad because it’s something i aim for, but then when i get there i self destruct because i feel like i don’t deserve to be there.
I sabotage myself on the way there. I trip up on purpose because I’m still scared of healing and “moving forward”.
And why? All because I get scared and hold on to the bad times. And i know even deeper down that I feel a great shame for myself because of this - i judge myself so hard for being weak - that exacerbates everything. I am by far my own worst critic.
But like i say I also enjoy the familiarity of this judgemental pain, so this process positive feedbacks and I crash. 404 NOT FOUND.
After much heartbreak for me and for my loved ones, i slowly reboot. Things are great for some time and then despite me every time believing it might not happen again - a situation arises, i get scared and it happens all over.
It is the cycle of pain and shame, and only I can break it and return to the state of inner peace we all innately possess.