Have you heard of Wu Wei?
Also, sounds to me like you put too much pressure on yourself. I know I do. Maybe I'm wrong there; I can't speak on your behalf (a general point you make a few times in this very post) but I feel that it rings true enough with my experience for me to say: yep, this person is like me to a small extent at least; they put too much pressure on themselves.
There's also The Myth of NormalSee-ya! by Gabor Maté; I want to recommend you read it, if possible. It's been quite good for me. I haven't finished it yet but I'm about two-thirds of the way through. @Creativemary has read it and wrote a review on her blog recently. Your mileage may vary. In spite of everything you've got going on, I hope you have a nice day.