All I ever wanted was to be the best Eugenia.
To be the daughter mum and dad would be so proud of.
And to be the sister my brothers would really appreciate.
I just want to be someone everyone would be proud of when they remember, although I know it's not possible to please everyone.
At home I want to be the good girl everyone wants me to be. With my friends, I want to be the lively girl that understands then and vibes to their tone. In school, I just want to that brilliant girl.
Is that too much to ask?
I just want to make everyone happy, but it's just too difficult.
I could remember when I was a little girl, always tagging along with Grandma for occasions and outings, I was really happy back then(I'm not saying I'm sad now though).
I could remember faintly those days when I just stroll around doing mini house chores with my tiny hands, only the thought of it pulls a smile to my face. I mean, I could barely open a door back then. I was among the group they called smallie 😂
But back then, life felt more fufiling, maybe I was just too young to realize everything or I was just enjoying my childhood days (well, I'm glad I did). All I had to do back then is go to school, do simple house chores and be a good girl, nothing more nothing less. But today, I have so many expectations to live up to, even unrealistic ones I created for myself.
Well, I'm no longer that little girl from yesterday but believe me when I say that at times I wish I was. I'm a big girl now
A big girl that has a lot to do, a big girl that now knows that many people are counting on her, a big girl that knows the important of working hard and most especially a big girl that is struggling with self love😥.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love myself, it's just that at times I push myself too hard, I place unrealistic expectations for myself and I just bully myself for no reason. Every single word from people around suddenly means more than they are supposed to. I take every silly joke to heart.
I know deep down I am trying my best to be the best daughter and sister, I strongly know that. No one has told me I am not, but I keep pushing myself, I keep feeling I am disappointing people, and most unfortunately I feel I don't live up to expectation.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way, if it's normal or I am just being strange.
I know that some of the decisions I take some times are not conducive for me but I still end up taking them. This has nothing to do with stepping out of comfort zone, this is all about punishing myself over a crime that does not exist. Now you see what I talked about self love?
But deep down this is not what I want, all I ever wanted was to be someone that people are happy to have around. Is that too much to ask?