I love you but I’m not in love with you
What does “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, mean? People say that the ‘spark’ has gone from their relationship; “we don’t talk”, “sex is non-existent”, “I just don’t fancy them anymore”. If you’re not talking and not having sex, you may feel empty, lost, and guilty. You may even have fantasies of a new perfect relationship with someone else. To complicate matters the ‘I’m not in love with you’ is often followed by, ‘but I don’t want to hurt you’.
So, why might you feel like this? How can you tell if it’s possible to get that ‘spark’ back? Can you understand yourself and your partner and what has happened to that once great relationship? The good news is that the answer is yes.
I love you but I'm not in love with you
What goes wrong?
There are many reasons couples reach the stage of one concluding: I love you but I’m not in love with you. But the heart of the matter is, they have lost that connection with their loved one.
Two people can start out with joint hopes and dreams, but normal life can take them in different directions. Something as simple as one of you returning to education or getting a promotion at work can mean that your interests and aspirations change.
When a couple’s values start to diverge they can drift apart without even noticing. Consider this example: whilst you are working in fear of work redundancy, your partner is caught up in football or clubbing. The lack of empathy and support, coupled with the cost of their interests, creates a dynamic which further increases the frustration and sense of growing distance.
Saying to a partner “I am not in love with you” is a body blow that may be difficult to survive, but communication is at the heart of relationships. Saying you don’t want to hurt your partner while secretly being annoyed or fantasizing about someone else is dishonest and increases the emotional distance. So while it seems hard to say.
Did your spouse tell you, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you?”
What does that statement mean?
A person who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!
When a person says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them.
Now let me explain
Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of America or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them.
While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves;” in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person.
And those deeds are not a secret, In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right decision you can make and you can cultivate a certain habits in your relationship which will make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable…you can “make” love.
Getting your spouse from “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” to “Okay, let’s give this another chance” is a tricky task. If this is your situation, it’s crucial you handle it properly. One false step and your marriage could be over. If you take the right steps, you can draw your spouse back in and begin to restore your marriage TOGETHER. How do you do that?```
language
How can I change this?
There are things you can do to try to reconnect. First, think about your own feelings and behavior:
Are you overwhelmed by work or home commitments?
Have you been so worried that you have not shared how you feel?
Are other factors like financial pressures or hidden addiction causing pressure?
Has all this meant that you have withdrawn from the relationship?
Talking point.
It seems really simple but it is the best way to tackle the issue. Good communications are the beating heart of good relationships.
Tell your partner you are worried about your relationship and agree a time and space to talk about it. Jointly acknowledging that you are unhappy may be a shock, but emphasize your commitment to improving the situation. This may be the wake-up call needed to save it.
Exercise.
Top 10 Communication Tips
Get closer to a better relationship with our top ten communication tips:
- Timing
Try to discuss important issues at a time when you’re not tired, hungry, or in a rush. - Turn OFF the TV
Take away distractions. - Take a Trip
Getting out of the house to talk can often be helpful. - Time Limit
Talk for an hour or so then take some time out. - Time Out
To think about what has been said and what you want to say. - Tune In
Listen to what your partner is really saying. How are they really feeling?
Hurt, angry, rejected, confused, disappointed… - Take Turns to Talk
Say how you feel about what is going on. - Take Care of Each Other
Even stopping to say, “Hello, how are you?” in a busy house can help to show you care. - Team Up
Tackle a problem together. Two heads can be better than one. - Talk to a marriage therapist.
Quote. To succeed in marriage you don’t have think alike, you have to think together
Written by james frank