Life is full of yeses and noes. I think that all the time, from childhood, we are accepting or denying. Sometimes we are forced to do something, we have no decision and we are just hanging there, trying to understand. Other times, we are asked for our opinion. This type of choice is important for our development, we feel that we are taken into account. My mother knew how to play that part well. Obviously, they were simple decisions, and even though the adults had already planned them, they were presented to us in such a way that it seemed as if we had really had something to do with it.
Not so life, many times we only had one option, which completely changed the way we see our own existence, like when it's yes or yes, but it can also be no and no. Without the right to claim.
The decisions I made for myself did not leave marks like those I made because I was forced to. The second ones still bring tears of dissatisfaction, because everything could have been different, healthy and normal.
Now that I look well, in the light of my years, I consider that I was a brave girl and young woman, that the consequences are few, mostly emotional; but I could have had some physical ones, I was in environments where young people had access to the world of drugs, and I, although I tried cigarettes, had no contact with other things and that is good. Formal studies were imposed on me and that context influenced my decisions. I chose to be a professional teacher and I assumed that I had to live far from my mother, because my husband came from a place where the possibilities of getting a job were better.
It was good to do it, to build oneself away from the influence of blood relatives is often necessary. It is necessary to become, to project oneself, to train oneself permanently and to aspire to build a functional family, which one has not had before. Ah, but this meant separating myself from my mother, whom I could see when I traveled and listen to on the phone, when she could call me to a specific place. Those times were not like those of today where everyone has a cell phone.
I have often felt that there was a huge gap between me and my mother. In my childhood, due to the presence of a dictatorial, punishing father with bipolar problems, I had to leave home. At nineteen, I left home to live with my grandmother, and from there, after graduating, I moved to another city. My mother went to live with my sister, where I could go visit her or they would come to visit me and my newly created family.
I recognize this gap because I often dream that I want to go visit my mother and I can't find her address, or I can't find the phone number to call her, and I always have the feeling that I'm missing out on talking to her, on how many good times are spent in her company and I'm missing them. And I dream about this so much, because I know that I missed out on a lot of her and her company. I have the satisfaction that we had a beautiful relationship, when we coincided, where there was always a pleasant and considerate treatment, but it could have been better
Life puts us in those moments where there is no other decision. The poor economic situation did not give us the opportunity to take another route. Only my heart knows how it leaves threads on the paths to and from. Only the eyes know the times when memory comes to show that it was not possible to do things any other way and assumes resignation as a response.
Memoir Monday #51 (2/23-3/2) - Write about a moment in your life when you stood at the edge of a choice—two paths diverging, each pulling at your heart in different ways*.Thanks to @ericvancewalton for opening up these possibilities to enter memories to relive memories. This is my entry for #51.
My content is original. What is presented here arises from my reflections on the subject and searching in my mind and memories.
I have used Google Translate.
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