This morning I woke up in a huge holiday apartment and I was shattered; the bed was uncomfortable and left my hips sore as I woke.
I rolled out of bed and realised I could see the ocean to the north out of the high window above my bed. I smiled and then I remembered how the same blind I had lifted to see this view had periodically banged against the window and woken us both up.
I was trying mightily to enjoy this holiday, this being the first time we'd travelled interstate and on a plane in almost 12 months, but far out was I tired. I recalled waking to an alarm at 5 am yesterday--after not enough sleep again--to pack, drive to the airport, navigate crowds and get on another plane.
And then I remembered my privilege.
I remembered that my fatigue must be nothing like what my fellow Ukrainians must be experiencing right now. It must be nothing like the challenges that so many Australians are facing who are in towns that are underwater after days and days of rain. It must be nothing like the difficulty my friends recovering from Covid may be feeling.
And I felt guilty. The thought in my head was:
"You should be grateful. Quit complaining."
Ah... well that's all well and good, but that doesn't help: it only makes me feel worse. And that's when I remembered that this is what I've been taught. This is what so many of us have been taught:
"Someone else is worse off than you. So you should quit complaining and just be happy with what you've got."
It's taken me a long time to unravel this programming and, clearly, this is still a work in progress. Yet even through my fatigue this morning I caught it quickly. So let me unravel it for you as I sit here drinking a couple of big glasses of warm water and attempt to slowly wake up.
Here are the actual facts:
I am on holiday. I am safe. I am exploring somewhere new each day. I am spending time with my partner. We have a lot of freedom to go where we want when we want. We do not have to work at all for the next couple of weeks.
When I think about all this I feel: lucky.
(This is a photo I took on my phone just yesterday afternoon, right across the road from where I now type this post, in a small town called "Penguin" in Tasmania.)
Now... this is also true right now:
I am very tired from so much moving, doing and travelling. I am tired from sleeping in unfamiliar beds with pillows that hurt my neck. I am tired from making so many decisions each day from when to walk and when to rest, what to eat and in which restaurant or cafe, which town to explore and for how long, and even which lane to get into when driving on unfamiliar roads.
And I also feel: extremely grateful that my partner's family and our friends who live in these areas of Australia that are flooded right now are all okay 🙏
And I feel compassion for everyone who is displaced by too much water (up north) or due to an invasion of their land (in Ukraine) or due to massive uncertainty with Covid-related complications (in so many places).
If I let myself think about all the people who are worse off than me in this moment I would simply crumble from feeling so much... overwhelm, so much... powerlessness, so much... guilt for having everything that I do have.
So on the rare occasion that I catch myself spiralling like this, I ask myself to remember the present moment.
I remember to be here now, where I am, with the light morning breeze coming in the open balcony door.
I remember to be with my breath as I draw it in through my nose and into my lungs and then let it out my nose once more.
I remember to be with the sounds of the birds as they fly by this big window and call out to one another from the air.
And I remember that gratitude cannot be forced.
Yes, I can squash down my fatigue and not share how I'm feeling but that doesn't actually make me feel grateful. Yes, I can put my focus on how difficult it must be for so very many people around the world in all manner of situation--including but not limited to those in Ukraine--but if I am not accepting and allowing space for my own truth (in this case, fatigue) I cannot actually be helpful to anyone else.
And then I remember my favourite word: a word that can be used as an amazingly effective way to nurture myself and cope during difficult times...
That word? That word is "and".
Here are some examples of how I use it:
.
.
.
I am on holiday. I am lucky.
AND
I am tired.
.
.
.
I am on holiday. I am safe.
AND
Many of my fellow humans are under direct threat right now.
.
.
.
I am on holiday. I have an immense amount of freedom.
AND
Many of my fellow humans are trapped in circumstances beyond their control.
.
.
.
Being human and having compassion for others while allowing yourself to have your own experience is a trip. Few people I know do this well but I think it's a vitally important skill that benefits all of humanity when we practise it.
It's a trip to think about the contrasts and the complexity if you attempt to spend more time being with what is. But here's what I see:
All things coexist simultaneously.
There is good and bad, better and worse, wonderful and awful.
And they exist all together, all at once, all in one big mess called "life".
It is not one or the other, it is both or even "all" things.
We live in a world of "and" not "either/or".
.
.
.
The war in Ukraine, the floods in Australia, the ongoing Covid-related challenges and all the fear and anger and confusion that is being experienced by those directly affected do not negate my fatigue on my holiday or your sadness about your own situation at home or another person's anger about how they're being treated at work; they coexist.
So if you've read this far I want to invite you to remember the word "and" and allow yourself the grace, the kindness and the compassion to recognise that your pain has a place too. This is not a competition for who is in the most pain, there is space for everyone's experience.
And your good fortune has a place too; you don't need to feel guilty if where you are is safe and sunny and beautiful. You're allowed to enjoy that freedom, that safety, that beauty right now.
Further to this, the benefit of allowing yourself to feel your own pain, fatigue, sorrow or whatever heaviness you're feeling is that the more you allow it to be the faster it will evaporate. Then your ability to feel gratitude can return and your ability to become even more useful and helpful to others in need also returns.
And the benefit of allowing yourself to feel good--if your personal situation is wonderful right now--is that your body will become so well resourced with feel-good chemicals, health and vitality that you become an even better resource to support others who are feeling challenged for any reason.
So if you're feeling guilty (or ashamed) as you hear news about the situations that others in right now or find yourself thinking you "should" feel (insert emotion you've been told you should feel that you actually don't), then I invite you to pause and see if you can allow what is to be. And recognise that you're allowed to feel whatever you feel as you experience your own life regardless of the experiences others around you are having. Because you exist and so do they, and all parts of the whole are valid.
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Thanks for sharing this post on Twitter @farmgirlboss. I'm glad you liked it 🙏💗
You are very welcome. It is very worth sharing :)
🙏💗🌍
svero
Severe, @jawy? Is that what this means? I don't understand. Please explain.
so much love for this, @consciouscat ! i missed you.
Bless! 😍 Thanks, darling. Big gentle hugs @rene.neverfound. 🤗
I often feel like this a lot, especially when I get ungrateful.
I guess it is good to feel this way because it kind of keeps me in check.
What keeps you in check @khaleesii? Is it remembering to be grateful because others are struggling more? Is that what you mean, or something else?
Not exactly because others are struggling more but the whole idea that I could have it way worse and most things that I am ungrateful about rest on my entitlement.
Ah, yes. I run into this challenge as well. I constantly forget how lucky/fortunate/rich I am. All the time. In fact, being on Hive has been so useful in helping me build relationships with people from such a diverse set of life circumstances that instead of being in my little echo chamber of sameness here in Australia (the way that web 2.0 social media also supports and reinforces) the more I really start to understand how truly lucky and wealthy I am.
Exactly, even if I wouldn't consider myself wealthy in my country, I know a lot of people who would appreciate what I have.
Just even having access to hive is a privilege.
I really appreciate you sharing this insight, Ophelia. 🙏
This conversation plus a few others on Hive of late have really got me thinking about this idea of being wealthy. For the longest time, I didn't consider myself wealthy because I've been comparing myself to other people who own big houses, drive fancy cars, own expensive jewellery and have built million-dollar businesses.
Somehow my focus has always been on what's missing from my life instead of what I already have. I don't know about in Nigeria (maybe you can tell me?) but in Australia there is such a focus on earning more, doing more, accumulating more. And the media messaging is so full of "not enough" messaging. As in, "You're not enough... until you have this diamond ring. You're not enough... unless you have a BMW or a Porsche or a Ferrari. Etc, etc, etc."
What I'm now coming to realise is that wealth is about the number of resources we have already access to.
So by my country's standards and the cost of living in Australia (a single person needs to make about AU $70,000 per year to live a decent life in any of the capital cities) and by comparison to my peers and my family I am not wealthy (if anything, only by proximity to Brad, my partner). But in comparison to most of the rest of the world's population, because I have access to heaps of food, clean drinking water, electricity, internet, education, safe housing, functioning roads, a car, and much more then I am - by that definition - most definitely wealthy.
Isn't it funny, how the amount of money in my bank account doesn't need to change at all - but rather the thoughts in my head and the focus of my attention - for me to feel different about how wealthy I consider myself to be?
Thanks for your honest reply, Ophelia. You've got me thinking and something important that it was really time for me to see in a new light.
Well in Nigeria, it is starting to be almost the same.
Everyone needs more and even as young people there is such a pressure to have a certain amount of money and there is always a comparison going on between you and friends.
I think it was one of the reasons I fell into depression because I was(am) unemployed and at the beginning, I wasn't the strongest mentally so everything just affected me.
Regardless of this factor, I have certain perks like having a roof over my head, having power, water, etc, which means I am comfortable.
I sometimes imagine what if I didn't have those also wouldn't it be worse.
Thank you so much also for the conversation, it helped more than you think especially as a young person who has been overthinking and over analysing.
What a lovely read thanks to @blackdaisyft for sharing this in #PYPT.
Loved the pictures along with the message this post is about.
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Thanks, @drabs687 for the kind words (& pizza!) 🧡🧡🧡 Thanks, Margarida (@blackdaisyft) for sharing!!! 💙💙💙
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Hello Caroline
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Thank you for sharing your well thought-out post in the Silver Bloggers community! As a special "token" of appreciation for your contribution to our community, it has been curated, upvoted and reblogged from us.
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Life is such a journey.
I like the word and… and how you add it in this context. It works and can be helpful when thoughts are pushing you in taught directions…Beautiful written @consciouscat, I do recognise parts of it…
♥️🙏💗 Thanks, hun. Hope your wedding day is going/went well!
It’s Friday so a few more days left. Tomorrow we leave Spain as we are getting married in Gibraltar, we stay until Saturday. It’s not that far though… just an hour drive 😉
Getting more and more excited. Today packing bags with everything… 😎
Have a wonderful day, enjoy your holidays! ☀️You are welcome dear @consciouscat 😊
(I so can relate to sleeping in bad beds when somewhere else)
I had to look at Google Maps 🌍 to work out where Gibraltar was (and why you were leaving Spain)! Now I understand - it's close and yet, not Spain. 😅
Have a wonderful trip! 😄
It’s a tiny little country, a British overseas territory. 😎
Was the easiest way for us, Russell is British and works the last 15 years there.
Thanks a lot 😊
Aha! I learn something new every day 😁 Wonderful 🙌 Enjoy 💗💓💕
We will… just arrived after a very early morning… 🥱
Russell is of to work and I am waiting in the hotel lobby until I can check in, in a couple of hours. So killing some time with hive now and preparing posts for the next days hahaha
Tomorrow he is free for the rest of the week luckily 🥳 so we will be out and about discovering Gibraltar. I have visited before, but don’t know it as well as he does.
Weather looks good so far for Friday ☀️
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what a wonderful post. I found the post from #PYPT on @dreemport
Oh yay! Thanks for your kind words @bluefinstudios. Glad to see my work is finding its way onto dreemport 😉
Omg, thank you I just learned something today. Indeed good and bad happenings coexist.
🙂
Different strokes for different folks. No matter what life throws at us now, we must be each other's keeper
🙏🧡💙
Sorry about the pain, but I know you’re working on resolving it.❤️💕🤗
I arrived here via DreemPort
Thanks !LUV
I am! But the kind words and nice to read anyway 🤗
Good to know! Looks like they're doing a great job over there 😉
Yes, DreemPort is growing at a rate of knots❤️💕🤗
(2/4) gave you LUV.
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Hm, I was just wondering, with your favorite word.. why you arrange the sentences that way.. I would rather go with
this is not so fine
AND
this is fine
otherwise it seems (for me) you pulling you down by taking the negative for ending the thought
just my opinion
We all are so struggeling these days. I was thinking about, how can I make a normal contest post on hive, while people in Urkaine are suffering :-( I didnt find an answer, but it helps nobody if we are pulling us down.
enjoy your holiday and take all the postitive energy to send it out to the whole world
came from @dreemport
I didn't give it deliberate thought. This is just how it naturally wanted to be expressed through me. I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and express myself in whatever way feels most true at the time. 😊
Great! You do that then if that feels good to you😁
Thanks 🙏
It seems we all go through some pretty bizarre circumstances at some points in our lives. But yeah, when there are trials and tribulations in other places in the world, if we're not involved, it is kind of rough when we care and watch what what they have to go through, and we can still be grateful for having our own lives. This post was obtained through Dreemport.
🙏