That's the tough bit, right, the final goodbye? I never spoke at my Mom's memorial service. It was too hard for me. My uncle (my mom's older brother) spoke on behalf of the family. My brother pulled together a photo slide show that my siblings and I contributed to, and that was our way of saying goodbye. Of course, I still speak to my mom, mostly when I'm trying to work out difficult emotions inside my head. It always brings me to tears, but it's cathartic - like a heavenly hug.
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I don't think anyone believed I could do it. I'm the 'emotional' one. But you know me and words. It felt as if it was the last chance I had to make him proud. I felt so nervous and anxious but I thought - hey! I know all these people! And I slowed down and breathed and enjoyed it. Each word a blessing. And my son, who is a brilliant writer, and had helped me do finishing touches, stood by me ready to take over. He was so tuned in to me he knew I was about to choke and he read the last bit beautifully.
I can definitely see why you couldn't. It's an impossible thing. No one else could and I didn't want my bro in law to do it because as much as we love him, I'm the eldest daughter and it felt right.
I couldn't understand all those sentiments afterwards, about them being with you. I guess I was struggling with the violent shock of his absence. A few weeks on and it's making more sense. I feel like I've joined a secret club of people communicating with ghosts.
It's a human thing, ain't it?