I'm gonna skip the whippies today because I want to share the story of the Fun Run event my girls did yesterday. All-in-all it was a beautiful day. I want to tell you all about how they both did, but I'm gonna take a roundabout sort of path to get there. Bear with me, if you will.
Image created using StarryAI, for entertainment purposes only. …Don’t ask me why AI interpreted the prompt “Major Tom” as being a cat, I’m as lost as you are, and we are as lost as he is.
The Morning of October 4th, 2024
I woke up this morning at 0330 and got in to work around 0415, just so I could finish the tasks I had planned for the morning and get out there without holding up our engineering development.
They set up the event in staggered groups, because the two little tracks are very small. The little kids (kindergarten & 1st grade) went first. They were from 0830 to 0930, with the older ones (2nd & 3rd grade) following them and running from 0945 to 1045 hrs.
They had it set up so each class was called and would march across the field to the start line in succession. When they called the first class for the older kids, a little girl came out ahead of the rest of the class. It was immediately evident that they had her kind of take a head start because she had difficulty walking. I was all geared up to cheer this girl on with all the hoots, hollers and high fives I could spare - I could tell she was working hard just to get to the start line. I don't know if it was the dad in me, or the little boy who was burned and ostracized for his creepy mask, or maybe just the human in me - but I was so proud of this little girl, putting forth such an effort just to participate.
Half way to the start line, I see her trip over the extension cord that's powering the announcer's PA system. She takes a dive, and my heart falls right down with her. I can't look away. (I see three teachers immediately on the move to come to her aid or I'd have been truckin' it myself.) They help her up. They're holding her upright for what seems like waaaaay to long. Why aren't they moving? I see the teachers supporting the girl and looking anxiously around, like they're looking for something. I start at a half jog - I'm coming to see what they need and offer to help, when I see a fourth staff member en route with a wheel chair. They've got this dude, they don't need you in the way I remind myself that sometimes staying out of the way is the biggest help you can be. I temper the urge to run and give this girl whatever she needs, focused now completely on her plight, deeply invested in her well-being.
I watched as they worked out the logistics of how to get her into the wheel chair. I hadn't expected it to take as much thinking and planning, but after a moment I see the fourth faculty member bring the wheel chair up behind her. ok, that makes sense I thought. I had been chastizing them in my mind for taking so long, but as is typically the case, it turns out I was misjudging because I didn't have all the information that they had. All the while, the classes have been being called to the start line. The whole world just moved on without her. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks and accumulated in my beard, growing cold in the autumn breeze. I couldn't control it - not to slow it down, and certainly not to stop it. My daughter's class passed by and I hardly noticed. Sorry @allie.cat, I didn't mean to look past you.
They finally get her situated and the four teachers becomes two. I mean, they didn't merge into new combo-humans, I'm just saying two of them left. I can see the girl's face for the first time since she fell. She looks so goddamned sad I feel it all at once. Embarrassment, disappointment, loneliness...she's in my daughter's class, which means she's got to be about 8 years old. What an unfair burden for a child...my heart sinks, deeper. I didn't know there was a lower place for it to go until it went there, but I was about to find out it could sink further still.
The teacher on her left bent down closer, so the girl would hear her. "Do you want to the fun run in your chair?"
...no... she spoke softly, slowly shaking her hanging head from side to side. At this point I'm literally shuddering. I'm blubbering behind my sunglasses and sobbing as I watch them wheel her back into the school building while the students respond enthusiastically to the announcer's prompts and the parents proudly cheer for their healthy children. Where are her mommy and daddy??? I thought. I felt myself, sitting in that wheelchair and being pushed back into the school to sit alone over the next few hours, hearing as the world turns without even so much as a pause to notice my absence. I am her in this moment, my damned empathy - I can't even muster the joy to cheer for my big girl I'm so proud of, because my heart is just obliterated. I think about running in to the school to see if she needs anything. She doesn't even know you dude, and what could you possible do for her?? ...I could tell her someone cares enough to walk away from the fun. I could tell her someone sees her and fucking cares, that someone's heart is aching for her, breaking for her. That the world did not just keep turning. Someone cares. I remember, after my burns, feeling so left behind. Perhaps that's why I was dying inside. Maybe it was just because I was tired, or perhaps it's because I've got an overly developed sense of empathy...empathy. I looked around and saw Allie. She was standing in the crowd, shorter than her peers, craning her neck to see if dad was watching. Empathy. I knew it would break her heart if I left her. I knew she would understand it later, after I'd explained it, but I would never be able to take away that empty lonely feeling she'd be carrying during her event, I'd only be able to help heal the damage I'd have caused. Goddamn this empathy. What good is empathy in a world where you're hardly equipped to help one fucking person???
I was torn, but I decided that my job in this moment was to take my heart, in all its little pieces, put it back together, and turn it towards gratitude. It's not fair that I have my health, that my daughters are strong and healthy, that this little girl was suffering...but the best thing I personally could do for this sweet little girl, is hold her in my heart, pray for her good health, and be present and grateful for the blessings God has given me. I may be a vulgar, cussy old spit, but yes, I do believe this universe to be a miraculous creation. You won't see the faithful communities choosing me for their poster boy, but I bet they'd let me chip in and help pay for the poster. Point is, and someone whose words have grown to mean a lot to me over the last year or so just said it very well yesterday actually, life is always doing lifey things. This poor girl is struggling to walk, and no parents were able to be there to cheer her on while she struggles through a walk/run event with her perfectly healthy peers? How much more can those little baby shoulders be expected to carry? Where are you, Abba? Silly rhetoric; I know the answer to that.
Remember how I said I was gonna go in a roundabout way? Let's jump around a bit. I just wanted to start with that to remind anyone who may need to hear it, make the most of what you do have, while you have it - because we all lose everything eventually.
The Evening of October 3rd, 2024
As I was tucking my girls in to bed, little @lucy.goose peered up from under the covers.
"Daddy, are you coming to our run tomorrow?"
"Lucy, daddy already told us, he can't make it. He's had two doctor's appointments already this week, and can't afford to take any more time off from work."
...@allie.cat is so grown up already. She's got the sweetest disposition, the biggest heart. She will cuddle well past when she wants to leave, just because she can tell I still need cuddles...she's 8 and already trying to take care of me.
Allie's right, my sweet little scooty-bug, I don't think I will be able to come.
I petted her hair and kissed her on the forehead, but as I was about to lift myself back into an upright position, she slapped her hands out from under the blanket and grabbed my whole face, refusing to let me rise. She had that lightbulb look, like she'd just solved the puzzle we've all been beating our heads against.
I know! Daddy! Tell your boss that you have two little girls who love you extra extra much, and you have to come to watch them run!
*Ok honey, I'll let him know. - But I can't make any promises, ok?"
Ok daddy... cue the pouty face - but not the fake one that's calculated specifically to manipulate. It was the subtle welling up of tears, trying to hold them back and be a big girl kind of sad face. I gave them both one more kiss, one more goodnight, one more "Don't let the bedbugs bite," and slowly closed the door behind myself as I left.
I can't not be there tomorrow I thought.
I went downstairs to work on Mr. Day's (🤣) avatar. Quietly working on art in the night time has become something of a meditative nature for me. My heart goes out to you brother, a hand is a hell of a thing to lose, even if only in part.
Now I don't know why I can't have epiphanies at decent hours, but, so it seems, I can't. So around 2300/midnight, it occurred to me - If I went in around 0400, I could do all the shit I have to do in the morning, before anyone shows UP! then I could go to the run thing, be there for my girls, and still not hold up the project's we're developing at work!
I set the alarm on my phone for 0330 hrs, plugged it in, and tossed it so it slid way under the bed. If it's too easy to shut off the alarm, I will wake up and tell myself it was set this early by mistake. ...holy shit, it's like I know me.
The Morning of October 4th, 2024 (again)
The Gilligan's Island chick texted me around 0630 to say good morning. I texted back, returning the sentiment. She followed up, asking me a question about Allie's class.
I'll ask her teacher while I'm at the Fun Run, I replied. Don't tell the girls - you know how I like my surprises - but I got in to work super early today so I could knock my stuff out and be at their event!
...no reply.
I went back to my work and didn't think much of it, but I had kind of been expecting something in response...
Everything ok? I finally texted her as I was getting in the car, and my phone rang before I was out of the parking lot.
What do you mean, "is everything ok?" she asked.
I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling insecure or something. I guess I just expected something in response to my last text, like a "woohoo", or "Oh, they'll be so excited"...I don't know, because normally I wouldn't worry about it too much. ...lack of sleep makes me a little more emotional though, we both know that hahaha
Oh, yeah, sorry! Everything is fine
She chuckled and paused for a moment.
So, this morning, I knew the girls had been really wanting someone to be there for their run, and I slept really poorly last night so I heard you leave the house around four...I figured you were trying to get in early so you could see them, and I told them I thought you might be there today.
My heart melted at the amount of concern she showed, I could tell she was thinking that she had ruined my surprise.
I'm really sorry, didn't mean to ruin your surprise, she said, but when I told them, Lucy just said "Oh, I know. He's gonna be there. I came up with a plan last night."
❤️
Gotta love 'em. Thank goodness I was able to make it, because somehow she convinced herself after I left last night that this plan to play on my boss's sympathy was a sure thing. So now being there was not gonna be a big dea, but not being there would have been an absolute crusher.
I was the first parent out on the field. I needed to figure out how they were planning on marching the kids out so I could be there for Lucy, who would be coming out first.
As they came out, I quickly spotted her. I made my way to her line and vied for a high-five as she passed...and she looked at me like I was a straight up creepy stranger! She played it cool and independent the whole time, wouldn't even hardly look at me during the whole hour-long event! 🤣🤣🤣 She ran like a trooper, but you probably already know that cuz I helped both the girls write up their experiences yesterday while it was all fresh for them. Point is, she made all that fuss, but I guess she just wanted me to watch and see from a distance - so I mostly did.
The big kids came out 15 minutes after the little ones went back in. Allie, unlike her little sister, absolutely made it known that she was excited to see me. I guess she wasn't as confident in Lucy's spurious plan - I saw genuine surprise on her face as she broke out of her line and ran straight to me. She jumped into my arms and we did two full spins while hugging tightly. God I love that girl. She returned to the line headed for the pre-starting line calls. It would be moments later the other girl, that poor sweet little kid, would take the fall that would sit on my heart like a pile of bricks for the next few days.
Allie ran like a boss and took time out to help those around her in need whenever an opportunity arose. She stopped to say hi somewhere in the middle of the hour, and I asked her if she knew the little girl who fell down, and she did.
Do you know the little girl who fell down before you guys got to the start line? I asked.
You mean the girl who walks like this? She asked, and then took a few steps with her feet turned out. (not making fun of her, but just communicating the best way she knew how)
Yes, her I said.
Her name is Bella, she told me.
She told me that the little girl was in a car accident just before we moved here. She said our first year here, she was in a wheelchair all the time, then last year it was just some of the time, and this is the first year she's been able to walk mostly all on her own. ...so she had been waiting almost three years, watching the other kids do the fun run, and today was her first chance to get in on the action...Jesus, at every turn this poor thing is just catching the worst fucking breaks. I would give her all my good luck for the rest of my life if I could.
I told Allie what I had seen, and she started off running.
Where are you going sweetie? I called out.
Daddy, I'm so happy to see you and I want to see you again before you go, but I think she probably needs a friend right now, and a hug!
I told her how they had wheeled her inside.
I think you should find her and give her some love when you get back in. She was so proud, so excited to do the run...I can only imagine how sad and lonely she must be feeling right now.
She told me she would. She seemed saddened, just as I was.
I'm sad too honey, I told her.
You know what? I kneeled down and looked into her big, beautiful eyes.
I think, we should finish strong for Bella. We have this chance, so we should make the most of it.
...and so we did. I finished out the rest of the run with her. We ran and skipped and danced our way around the track. We made sure that Bella wasn't forgotten, by taking it to the max, in her honor. She may not have known it or felt it - or maybe she did!
I like to believe we are all connected, and modern (aka post-Newtonian) physics tells me I'm right about that. Quantum entanglement may be a post for another day, but I hope in my heart of hearts, that Bella, sitting in that school building, felt a flutter of joy somewhere in her soul as we exhausted ourselves with her in our hearts and minds.
Life. It's always doing lifey things.
Stay well my virtually estranged loved ones, and make this weekend count...for you never know what kind of lifey shit tomorrow will bring.
Bonus Content: Misfits, The Kinks
Many of my friends here have pointed out that playing a flute while driving is not very wise. After seeing what I saw today, I am reminded that - even though I may feel quite professional at playing the quena while driving, it is not just my safety I am gambling with, but also that of others. I have two car-fluting videos that were recorded late this week…one was planned for Monday and one was for today. NTT videos don’t count, they were all scheduled in late 2022.
After Monday’s car-fluting video, I will try to focus more on playing in ststionary situations like the bus stop. It breaks my heart to put down this fun tradition after so many years, but I could not live with myself if I hurt someon’s child or ripped apart a family just for the novelty of playing flute while driving. I can’t say I will never do it again, but I will be making a concerted effort to do better.
There will still be fluting, so we’re not really losing much.
Anyway, let’s do it!
Thanks for checking out some more of my work! As always, I hope you enjoyed witnessing as much as I enjoyed creating!
© Photos and words by @albuslucimus, except where otherwise indicated.
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