I'll catch myself sometimes on the words coming out of my own mouth. There is, increasingly, twists of phrases that I might've said different when I was still unmodeled and pristine. I'm finding in my vocabulary expressions and little jokes sticking tightly to the walls, making as if they've always been there. Except they haven't really. I know them because my memory still serves me well, and I can remember, still, times when I thought they were foolish things to say.
I caught myself flirting the other day, except it wasn't with my words. It was with words I thought once to be old-timey and salt-of-the-earth when they first used to flirt with me. Except now, here we are. I think I got it pinned in my subconscious that this person, this initial flirt, had a good way of sounding me out. I think that even though I was taken aback at the time, I made a mental note of it that I'm looking for those same qualities he was.
It fascinates me, how that happens. Our little stolen bits from other people, how we just carry them with us into the future, while leaving people in the past. The things that stick with us and appear at the time perfectly ordinary or even a little cringe-y.
I find myself using expressions old lovers used to use. I default regularly, still, to certain speech patterns my first boyfriend had. I hearken back to ways in which friends once behaved, not necessarily good or bad ways, just ways. Like my best friend has a habit of calling everyone "dear". Oh dear him. Dear this. Dear that. And I hated it when she started doing it, but then I found myself reacting to things in much the same manner. It's a way of keeping her close, which to me signals you're someone worth keeping.
Which inevitably must mean my psyche deemed all these people I've shelved worth retaining also.
I catch myself wondering sometimes what expressions or jokes or moments of the present are going to be shelved. Which silly little things or mannerisms or even opinions that I'm hearing now will I return to regularly for the rest of my life?
You can never tell, and that's the marvel of it, but also intensely frustrating. Because it means you can't shape it. I wanna know. I keep thinking I might prevent or make sure I'm keeping the right things. Except, who's to say I know which things are right for keeping anyway? It seems my subconscious is making its own choices, and some I agree with, but so many surprise me. I don't think consciously "what would so-and-so say", but find it comes instinctively and it makes me uneasy. I'm someone who likes to think things through. To delude myself I'm in charge, at least.
But the more I live, the clearer it becomes to me I'm not. I keep seeing myself get colored in, like an old patchwork quilt, a memory of the things that I'm living. It doesn't seem like it, but it's a veritable lesson in humility. Who's to say I would've picked better things consciously for shelving? Who's to say I have a mouth that's learned how to speak?
It's an unusual way of keeping people close to you. Perplexing at times because some of these mannerisms and expressions used to be associated quite deeply with the person in question and by default used to carry quite a bit of emotional weight. Like if an ex used a particular saying, it brought all these unpleasant feelings when I heard it (or myself use it). But now, I'll hear myself saying certain things, and I haven't forgotten what they meant or who it was that used them, nor do I care about them as much.
It's always a little furtive hello inside my memory when I say something a he or a she who's gone now used to say. Like oh, there you were. You're still here. Hello.
It's the nicest thing.
Reminds me to not give myself more importance than I'm owed. And to remember that regardless how I strive to surround myself with the right people and live the right life, there's a certain degree of randomness to it all. I hear myself or sometimes hear others use some of my own mannerisms (things I, of course, don't realize are mannerisms until I meet someone new and they laugh and say "who says that"), and I'm floored by the way we flow endlessly into one another.
I carry you in my words and my thoughts sometimes, and my looks and my music. And you can't be too far then, can you? I think, when that happens, that all the little accidents and unfortunate encounters are not as unfortunate as they may seem. That if my mind's found a place for them on its shelves, maybe they served their own purpose, carried their own light.
Does that make any sense? I could swear it made some when I sat down to write it.
This makes total sense and is part of who we are as humans. It's a great example how we're the sum of the people we spend the most time with. I even find I, subconsciously, pick up body language and phrases from movies/series I watch. These usually have a shorter half-life than those I pick up from real people.
There is so much to life, sometimes what we think we do well is not really as we think. Just like you said, not too good to give ourselves more importance than others. I want to tell you that I really enjoyed your article
Trust your inner voice ♥️