She sounded like she knew that this reality would hurt you and wanted to buffer you from the immediate shock of this event. That is love in action trying to help prolong your pain and grief. Grieving is a very difficult process and I am sorry you are having to endure this chapter in your life.
Losing my father gave me a similar and intimate experience with death and loss. One thing that helped speed up the process of grieving for me was to not focus on my loss but on their gain. Try to celebrate her life and try to focus on what sufferings she will no longer have to endure while holding tightly onto all of the good memories and the lasting positive impact that she had on this life in so many different ways. We all have our shortcomings but the things that will carry on is that legacy she left behind. You are an example of that based on what you said she did to raise you up and be there for you in the critical ways.
Hang in there and since everyone grieves in their own ways and in their own time... just get the best closure you can out of the process. She didn't give you a chance for the closure most people would begin to start to have ... but I feel (and could be totally wrong) that she excluded you on purpose to insulate and protect you from the pain she knew was coming for you. That in and of itself is a very admirable thing to think of to do in your last wishes.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you so much for these words. I am torn and I do not know what to believe. I choose to think that she wanted to protect me from the pain? I have a lot of mixed feelings now and I try to cope with the guilt, sadness, confusion...I can only accept , I can't do anything else at this point.
Acceptance is the first TRUE step to beginning the grieving process. Many people don't come to terms and begin to accept the reality until long after the traumatic event. The sooner one can come to terms with the unchangeable reality the sooner they can begin to heal. All of this was outside of your control and that leaves a feeling of helplessness and regret. However, once you realize that you could have done nothing to influence or change the outcome you can forgive yourself and accept the things outside of your control. Then the grieving process truly begins. Just know, it comes in waves and that you will have good days and bad days and don't be surprised if it hits you and comes out of nowhere. Allow yourself to be human and feel what you need to cope, manage, and overcome this difficult situation. Grieving is on your time... so don't feel you have to rush the process or even fully understand it. I hope this helps you as much as possible. Hang in there!
Thank you so much for these thoughts towards me in these moments! Acceptance is something that I struggle with in the sense of trying to make sense of what happened, that I did not manage to say goodbye and have a real conversation with her. In the same time I feel somehow that I can't do anything at this point. My mother told me that I should accept that some decisions of older people do not have to make sense and maybe my grandmother did not want me to see her in her last days . It is difficult to accept that I can't understand some things. Life does go on and it has to, regardless of my pain. I have moments when I feel guilt and moments when I feel an intense sadness and I just sob. I have short moments when I almost try to forget and then I feel guilty because I should mourn. It is a very difficult process for me as it is the first time when I lose a loved one like this.