Occasionally I make a mental note when typing out prompts to try and write my own post on a topic I've proposed if possible. This was one such time, as postpartum depression is an issue that is important to me. I've seen the damage it can do to countless women and their families around me, and I've experienced it myself with each of my pregnancies.
I think PPD is often misunderstood as just another form of depression. Unfortunately, it is much more sinister than that. PPD can take on many forms. For the one experiencing it, it can feel like insanity. Blinding rage, suicidal thoughts, dissociative and dangerous thinking.
I'm a fan of admitting things that might open the door for other women to feel safer in being honest about their experiences, so I'll make a horrible admission. PPD with my youngest made me feel violent towards him, which in turn made me hate myself.
Although I never hurt him, dozens of times I had to sit him down somewhere safe and take a few minutes to collect the rage that was ripping my brain apart. It was always followed with sorrow. How could my body give me the impulses to want to do something so terrible? What the hell was wrong with me and my broken awful brain? Should I give him away to someone better? Should I get rid of myself, so he was safe?
I'd cry and cry when the rage passed, feeling as if I was the biggest garbage can of a human that ever existed. I spent many days hating myself for not feeling the right way, for being unable to make my little colic ridden guy feel happy. Or at least being able to cope better like every other mother did, obviously. Why was I so broken?
Hindsight is 20/20, and now I know there was nothing wrong with me. The chemicals in my brain were attacking me and I did the best I could. My kids were loved and safe and nourished.
It's still hard to talk about though, even reliving these memories as I type makes me feel self-loathing. I still harbor this internal monologue that I should have just been able to do better, while sayings like "it takes a village" dance at the edges of my mind without much impact.
Maybe writing this blog is a way for me to heal a bit, to share my story and hope it helps someone else. Afterall, there are ways to fight PPD!
How do we support a Mother (and her family) through PPD?
I'd like to start by saying that PPD can be dangerous; I know this first-hand. I didn't resist the rage or deep depression that I sank into because I am strong, it was sheer luck and passed on knowledge. I knew from other mothers that it was okay to set the baby down somewhere safe, for example.
We need to spread these seeds of wisdom. If you feel like you are going to explode, the baby will be okay crying for a few minutes if there is no one else around to help. It's okay to not be okay, it does not make you a bad mother. Your baby will have issues that other people's do not, this is not a reflection of you or your ability. I could go on and on...
PLEASE, tell these things to mothers, no matter if it is their first child or their seventh. Sometimes we desperately need to hear we are good, that we are doing well.
So many people would say I should just give him some formula so someone else could take over (pumped bottles were a battle for me). This felt dismissive to me, hurt my feelings.
It would have been much more helpful and affirmative if someone had offered to lend a hand with chores or meal prep, or even just suggested a shorter break. I couldn't take hours away from Emory, but a long shower was possible with help.
If you know a mom that's struggling and want to help, ask what would make the biggest impact to them. Offer to do the dishes or make/bring a meal if you're willing. The little things can change everything!
Counseling and therapy are not for everyone, and I am one that shuns this sort of thing due to personal preference. I've tried medication, and it's never been good for me. This is not true for everyone. It's okay to CAREFULLY talk to a mother you suspect has PPD about these things. For them meds may be the best help possible.
Sandwich your suggestion between compliments to avoid hurting their feelings or causing them to clam up. Maybe use the imaginary "friend" we all have for difficult statements. "A friend needed some support after her baby was born and found that talking to a counselor was helpful, do you think that might be something you'd want to do?"
If you want to be an all-star you could look up counselors that take their insurance for them if they are receptive to the idea. Offering to hang out with the baby during appointments can also make the idea seem less daunting. It can be so hard to justify taking time to care for yourself postpartum, some of us need a nudge.
A lot of us aren't as put together after a new baby, and understandably so! If a mom comments on the state of her house or the way she looks when you see her, remind her that she's doing better than she thinks.
A simple reminder that you are not bothered by the things she worries over is huge! Feeling the need to host or have a presentable home is ingrained in some of us so much that we will isolate when we can't meet the standards in our minds. This is hazardous for mental health.
Just the phrase "I'm here to spend time with you, not judge your house" can mean the world to a frazzled mom!
Small gestures help so much that I cannot emphasize them enough. When a close friend of mine had her son, I visited with a small bouquet of flowers and a few snacks for her. I laughed off her apologies about her home and reminded her that she just made an entire person; all that mattered to me was spending time with them.
This meant so much to her that she mentioned it to me several months later! She told me that she always brings flowers when visiting a newborn now if she can. It goes to show that taking a moment to think of how to brighten a mother's day has a huge impact!
If you are struggling with a newborn and you are reading this, please know that things will get better before you know it. For fathers who feel like their partner has gone off the rails, have compassion and know that she will regulate when her body is ready to. Look beyond emotional outbursts and try to find what's behind them if you can. And don't be afraid to ask for some support from those around you, you deserve to feel heard and supported too.
For the struggling new mothers, give yourself grace. What you see of other women's lives is not a true reflection of what life is like for them. We all have struggles behind the scenes, and that's okay. In fact, it makes us human!
Remember that to worry if you are good enough is already proof that you are. It shows you care a lot, and you have to do your best to give some of that to yourself. You are strong, beautiful, and wonderful. You are doing great. Things will get better!
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Excellent! Cross-posting this to LadiesOfHive!
Thank you Kitty! 💗🤗🤗🤗
In hindsight I have no idea why I didn't use LOH tag, my brain has been a bit wonky lately 😂 I appreciate the cross-post! 💕
Thank you for writing about such an important topic and sharing your experiences. I find it so sad and stupid that people don't know enough about these things that can happen to anyone and ruin lives.
We need to look out for each other like you did with your friend so we can catch any problems as early as possible and get people the help and support they need before it becomes too much.
Edit: Forgot to say that Thea has such a cute smile.
Shucks, I'm really grateful for this thoughtful comment!! 🤗
I totally agree that the lack of awareness is terrible, PPD can move quick and leave behind hurricane level destruction when left to simmer on its own. It's something I've always wished had as much awareness as the signs of stroke or allergic reaction. Really, I guess I wish most mental health issues had that level of eyes on them, we need each other so desperately in these things!
A big hug your way 💗
My facial expressions went from happy to sad to scared to confused and this was just me reading what you went through. I can’t even imagine the whole experience. I loved reading this and I had a huge smile when you said new moms should themselves grace. That’s one of the best things I’ve heard today.
Thank you for expressing what this made you feel 💗 it certainly was a whirlwind, but thankfully it has passed now! It's hard to write about these things, but I hope it lets other women know that they aren't alone. It makes me smile that you liked what I said about giving ourselves grace, we all could use a little more grace and understanding I think! 🤗
You've got my emotions rolling out here, Grin! I have heard stories of how PPD is from other mothers around me, and I agree with the things you said.
This is why having a supportive partner who is also a best friend comes to play. When the frustration comes, the anger, hatred, and all. Having someone close to us matters. It helps.
Also, for this, it is truly the best advice you can give to anyone fighting a tough battle. Thanks for sharing your life story, Grin. You are an amazing mother, and all I see is genuine happiness in the eyes of your mini(s). You guys are super cute.
Agreed! A supportive partner, family, good friends— these human connections can be such a life line for any kind of depression, and in particular PPD I think. It sucks that so many of us feel like we have to face life's struggles alone when just a bit of love can change so much!
Thank you for the loving comment and kind words my friend 🤗 It feels so cathartic to be able to share these things here 💗 !LUV
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Yeah, it sucks and I can say I understand that we sometimes fail to see that love around us or even neglect them because we feel we don't deserve it or, we don't want our loved ones to see tat side of us, so we try to work things ourselves which can be tough.
You are welcome, dearest Grin. Your experiences shared is a gem. So, thank you.
Thank you for the support LOH! 💕
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Nice post. 👌
That's the first thing I think of is PPD when I see a new mom friend start to go off the rails. Sometimes its withdrawal or a distant appearing expression. I'd usually offer to take a chore or errand off her hands if i could to take load off her hands then hope to talk about it later. I served a few years in Community nursing in home visitations,
You absolutely rock! I think that having someone looking out for you could save so many of us from a lot of grief. It's totally underrated what an impact just doing a bit of housework or taking care of an outside task can have! When you're in the trenches of PPD even going grocery shopping or vacuuming can feel like a mountain to climb imo
Doing home visitations had to be rewarding but challenging at times I imagine. I have so much respect and admiration for those who do that sort of work, to so many people you folks are like angels!
Thanks for being a light in the world 🤗💗 !LADY
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Thanks to @thekittygirl for sharing your post on the PYPT podcast.