Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok, and even here on Hive. As much as possible, we tend to show others our successes. The IG life was not for me. I don't need societal pressure. I already give myself too much of that, haha.
Failure. Struggles. They are often kept in the dark. Every day, we face our individual battles. We battle in silence. Scream and cry just within ourselves. Lost in the world. Most of us are just trying to survive.
They say to be thankful for what you have. I am indeed grateful for my current life, I eat whenever I want to and have a roof over my head. What more can I wish for? Right?
I do have one wish though...
Fucking make the demons go away.
I'm all battered and worn out from constant struggles within me. I will not go into the details but here is a poem to express where I recently was.
Im letting myself lose
Drowning everyday
Pretending to be okay
Like everyone else does
In this world the strong survive
I cannot hold on
Deemed myself one of the weak
Take the form of my body
I'm running away
Till nobody can see
The inferior soul in this shell
Walking on my own
Pushing aside warm hands
I am a burden, said I
Can't carry the weight of tears
Struggling years
They say lookout
It's going to be okay
I decline your lies
Perseverance ends here
I'm on my own facade
Don't you see
Not even I can save me
I wonder. What have you done today that you're proud of? I for one used to celebrate waking up. That's a big win, right? I mean you're alive! A toast to that! but what if you're disappointed because you were? Sigh. Nmore, you're so depressing; but I'm not really here to talk about that.
Nope. I'm here to flex how proud I am that I cleaned my room. sparkles
I have been sick with the flu for 6 days. I am physically and emotionally drained but today seemed like the time to get up and push through with something small to change things up.
I am a bit shy. Teehee. But since you're reading this, I bet you know me quite a bit already so go ahead, and take a look at my room.
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I wake up with an unkept bed and sleep with an unkept bed. I have some pillows on the floor that I don't even use. Last night, I used my biiig talong (eggplant) as a pillow. You can also see a tote bag that's been there for a week. A knocked Thermoflask, and neatly folded clothes that my mother left there a few days ago.
My desk had a lot of dust and accumulated clutter. Clothes, dirty or clean, just there chilling around. The most concern I have with my dirty room is the dust. I have allergic rhinitis (hi to those that are the same as me), so yes, the gathered-up dust made my illness even worse.
A few years ago, I used to go to schools and talk in front of many people - sometimes hundreds. Some would freeze and stutter. Some would probably throw up or cry but it didn't faze me. Most of the time, I thought everything was underwhelming and that I was there just to do my job.
I used to think I had to do something extraordinarily big to be proud of myself. I pushed myself to the extremes to overachieve especially in work. Even if I got praise, and year after year promotions, I still considered myself worthless.
I would often reject any kind of positive affirmations, ideals, principles, and beliefs. This thinking didn't help me and affected those around me. Now that I am jobless, imagine what it feels like to achieve something but still feel worthless. What's more about my current status being a BBM (BoredBuM)?
I am constantly breaking and building myself up. It's dead tiresome but I know people who are close to me want me to keep on fighting. Arc, the love of my life, would often thank me for trying my best. She's the only person in my life who knows how difficult it is to fight my demons away each day.
I was vacuuming the carpet floor whilst sweat rolled down the side of my face, I began to ponder. I can't believe I could live in such a mess, let alone ignore my room's condition. On the other hand, I felt a sense of triumph as I saw everything being more orderly and neat.
And with that here's what it looks like after cleaning.
Art on the wall by my beautiful niece
Don't zoom in on the photos haha
My mother asked me "O anak, naglinis ka ng kwarto. May bisita ka?" (O daughter, you cleaned your room. Is anyone coming over? HAHAHAHHA). I said no. I don't think it's just me. People around you think you're sick just because you cleaned your room or took a bath.
I don't know how long will I be able to maintain this order and cleanliness but I will try to wake up and make my bed before anything else. I will try getting into better habits in hopes that it will result in a good change in my future.
We don't often see what's happening with others behind their social media accounts. We most often exhibit our lives as grand but most of us live under this facade. We, at most, show our big achievements and do not take notice of the small ones.
We have our individual fights. Struggles we face alone. Ones we hide and show our strong selves instead. But, I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to show you this side of my small wins. Yeah, I cleaned my room today. Small thing. But I won't deny myself this feeling of accomplishment. I gathered what I could and did my best to stand up today.
Your room is messy? Haven't taken a bath? Slept all day? Absent-minded? crying? It's okay. If you can't muster the strength to do something today. You can rest. Try again. Do small things. Bit by bit and know that you are not alone. Know that even if it wrecks your mind and it's rejected by your soul, force yourself to change.
These are our small wins, don't let anyone especially yourself undermine them.
Let's not give up together.
~ Nmore
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Sending out the call... Much love, my friends...
Hey, big guy!!
I see you!!!!
@jerrytsuseer...
I see you! Wanted to elevate the awesome on this powerful and close to home post... thanks for stopping by...
!LUV
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Thank you for sharing this, Nmore. This resonates quite deeply with those of us who have experienced similar lows before, wherein any small task may sometimes feel insurmountable. Yet, all of those tiny victories can certainly add up to something much bigger. Carrying the boulders upon on shoulders, we still manage to make small steps of progress, and that's something in which you can take solace and a bit of pride. You continue to carry on and not give up despite the obstacles you face.
This is how you fight those demons, and gradually claim victory over them. For what it may be worth, I'm proud of you for beating even those small ones, of which there are many. If you ever need help fighting them, that's absolutely ok, and feel free to reach out to me for the support. We rely on each other to grow - we're programmed that way! And yes, you are very much worth it. 😊
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@freecompliments...
This is exactly why I sent out the vibe your way! Appreciate the fact that you come and share your positive and meaningful energy.
Thank you brother 🙏
!LUV
!giphy Thank You
Via Tenor
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Thank you for bringing the opportunity to me, brother. 🙏
Fighting demons is such a pain. I feel like they take so long to finish. Reading your kind words, however, makes me feel less lonely. I'm feeling much better now. 😊
Thank you for stopping by, @freecompliments!
Mission accomplished! 😁 Reach out at any time. I may not always reply immediately, but I will reply.
I was in bed, reacted enough to let him know I'd seen it, upvoted and reblogged from my phone.My friend @wesphilbin tagged me in this post last night.
↑Upvoted↑and←Reblogged→
That was about 11:30 pm last night. I only grazed over the post, but now I've read it more in depth.
You sound so much like me. All my life I have had great difficulty accepting compliments or praise, even though I knew inside I was as good as they said.
In my mind, I told myself "I'm not doing anything that anyone else SHOULD be able to do just as well" but in my heart I knew I had gifts that others did not have, but I felt odd accepting praise for something I was born with.
I also have a REAL problem doing house work, including making my bed, when I will only mess it up again in a few hours. At my age I take naps during the day... so.
You hang in there, stay positive
Thanks for taking the time to read and relate to my post, @jerrytsuseer.
Were you able to manage to change that part of yourself? If so, how?
Thank you for your wisdom!
No, I haven't "changed myself" in that respect. It is still hard for me, I will duck my head, or avert my eyes etc when someone tells me how great I am, but I've gotten better for sure.
It helps that since Covid shut down all the places that I played music for so long, I wasn't getting that many compliments, and then when the restrictions were lifted, I have other things taking up my time and energy, so that practice is difficult. Now I don't PLAY music that way, sadly, and I desperately want to get back to it, but just can't get motivated for it.
However @nmore , I do believe that my god has done things, created and sacrificed things that tell me that I AM worthy of His love, so everything else is secondary 💚
@jerrytsuseer...
Happy coffee hour... thanks for swinging by and sharing your energy. Appreciate you brother...
!LUV
!giphy Awesome
Via Tenor
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We're all people. We each have our own vulnerabilities and struggles. I think it is healthy to write about this "behind the scenes", and share it with the world. It is our reality. It is our shared experience.
Too many people manufacture, instead of just accepting or sharing simply "what it is".
I love this heartfelt sort of posting. I hope to see / read more from you in the future.
@holoz0r...
Hey hey... good to see you, my friend. I too... appreciate shared experiences; one of the many reasons I created this community, was to let everyone know, "Things are not always sunshine and rainbows"! But that's life, and we can make it positive, and thoughtful. It was my hope that others would start to chime in... let us know... "it's not just me!". Thanks for stopping by and giving your honest opinion...
!LUV
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HIVE could be an ultimate "Dear diary". No one needs to read it it, but it certainly helps capture the zeitgeist of human experience :) It will perhaps let a future anthropologist marvel at this snapshot of history.
So long as they have their "keys" aye? 😁
I hope they would marvel... have a great Wednesday, my friend.
There may be times when it's easier to manufacture a story. There are also reasons why people do it. We will never know until we try to know them a little more!
But yes, voicing this out feels nice. It's something we all need to do from time to time. Thank you for stopping by, @holoz0r!
Cheers to small wins ✨ There are times when I just couldn't do even the smallest tasks, that's when I know I'm struggling inside. But yesss, it feels great to do small things and look at them as wins 🤍
! PIZZA
It is! Thanks for reading, @cthings!
What do you do when you realize you’re struggling inside?
Sometimes, when I realized that I have to face reality 🤣
Same, because I will be disappointed if I fail. I do not like to live in applause.
Aww, Arc the best girl talaga. 🥺
I'm glad that you seem to have enjoyed reading my work, Jiji! At least now I know I'm not alone uwu
Cleaning your room is a great victory. Sometimes I celebrate remembering to brush my hair, instead of just leaving it in a messy bun all day... Hold your victories, they belong to you. 💕
Sometimes we compare ourselves to others, expect things from ourselves as if we were them... it's cruel, and it's easy to slip into. We all have our own measures of success, anyone who says otherwise is a... meanie. You're awesome, and I'm freaking proud of you for cleaning your room. I hope you stay kind to yourself, we're all going at our own pace. 🤗 !LUV
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🥹 You’re too kind! Thank you for the encouragement I really needed that. 😊
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It's the tehee for me 😆
Em sooo tempted to zoom!
I needed this 🥹 thank you!
Thanks for reading, Jude! and you're welcome uwu. ligo ligo din pag may time char hehe
Thank you for being vulnerable - we need this here. Victories are good but challenges and struggle are beautiful pieces worth reading as people can relate to them more.
Cleaning is no easy feat! Congrats and so proud of you. My table's a mess right now and haven't had the chance to clean it for more than a month. I have meds, cleaning agent, serums, batteries etc.
Thanks for reading, TP! Linisin mo na yang table mo bago pa magkaalikabok!
Yay! 🤗
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Thank you!!
@freecompliments...
Thought you would enjoy this post...
Thanks so much for directing me here, Wes. 😊
I'm just waiting for the end of my responsibilities.
ineenjoy ko na lang whatever life has to offer while waiting.
selfish ba ako pag di na ako nagpaalam pag umalis na ako?
Thanks for reading, @demotry!
Hmm somehow I can relate to those feelings. I’ve pondered if I went away without saying goodbye, would I be selfish? We don’t owe people anything but if we have a shred of love and respect for them the least we could do is say our goodbyes properly. That’s my take for your question but don’t take this as a go signal youuuu!! 😤
Congrats on getting stuff done! We often forget that a win, no matter how small it could be, is still a win. Weird how we look at our flaws with a microscope but our achievements with binoculars.
I’m happy that you feel seen here. What a lovely crowd you’ve got~
Keep going, Bub. Love you.
!PIZZA
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Reaching out to others for help, for a hug... to be heard... is the first step in valuing ourselves. It's a courageous step. It's not easy to share one's vulnerability - but you are doing it... and eliciting genuine responses from genuine people who care as a result. And the small wins, are stepping stones to bigger ones. They are like ripples in a pond, my friend. So keep looking up... keep reaching out... and soon you will be putting one foot in front of the other 💗🤗🙏 !LUV !ALIVE
You Are Alive so I just staked 0.1 $ALIVE(8/10)@nmore! to your account on behalf of @samsmith1971.
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Thank you so much! with so much love and encouragement from everyone here, I will strive to move forward.