Antes me daba muchísimo miedo enfrentarme al dolor, a la angustia, a cualquier situación que me provocara malestar y hacía cualquier cosa para evitarlo, o dejaba de hacer cosas precisamente para no enfrentarme a las consecuencias que pudieran traer.
Deje de decir como me sentía frente a situaciones que me hacían daño porque pensaba que si me lo callaba el malestar desaparecería más rápido que alargando el tema, eso solo hace que esas situaciones se repitan una y otra vez, porque las personas no san adivinas para saber que me están haciendo daño si no lo comunico.
Es gracioso como me daba tanto miedo enfrentarme al dolor emocional y sin embargo disfrutaba los momentos de dolor físico, es un poco loco, pero el dolor físico siempre tiene una causa y por lo general una solución conocida, no tienes que enfrentarte solo a él, ya sea un médico, tu mamá o una vecina te dirán como pararlo, sin embargo me permitía disfrutarlo en señal de que podía aguantarlo, de que era lo suficientemente fuerte como para sentirlo sin que eso significara un problema mayor para mi.
Te preguntaras que hago divagando sobre esto, es que hace poco descubrí algo peor que el dolor, el vacío, no sentir nada, ni angustia, ni dolor, ni felicidad, nada, gritarte por dentro y que el eco te vuelva loca. Lo único que se puede sentir ante el vacío es desesperación, ganas de que algo te recuerde que estas viva, sentir dolor ya no te parece una mala idea y cuando regresa te permites abrazarlo, llorarlo y recordarte que la vida está hecha de eso, de sentir.
Before I was very afraid to face the pain, the anguish, any situation that caused me discomfort and I did anything to avoid it, or I stopped doing things precisely to avoid facing the consequences that could bring.
I stopped saying how I felt in situations that hurt me because I thought that if I kept quiet about it, the discomfort would disappear faster than by dragging out the subject, that only makes those situations to be repeated again and again, because people are not soothsayers to know that they are hurting me if I don't communicate it.
It's funny how I was so afraid to face emotional pain and yet I enjoyed the moments of physical pain, it's a little crazy, but physical pain always has a cause and usually a known solution, you don't have to face it alone, whether it's a doctor, your mom or a neighbor will tell you how to stop it, yet I allowed myself to enjoy it as a sign that I could handle it, that I was strong enough to feel it without it meaning a bigger problem for me.
You may wonder what I am doing rambling on about this, is that I recently discovered something worse than pain, emptiness, not feeling anything, no anguish, no pain, no happiness, nothing, screaming inside you and the echo drives you crazy. The only thing you can feel in the face of emptiness is desperation, the desire for something to remind you that you are alive, feeling pain no longer seems like a bad idea and when it returns you allow yourself to embrace it, cry it and remind yourself that that is what life is made of, feeling.
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