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Llevo mucho sin estar por acá, tengo tanto que decir...intento encontrar como hablar sobre lo que vivo, sobre todos los pensamientos que constantemente aparecen una y otra vez...y no lo logro del todo.
No salen de mi relatos más literarios, solo sale torpeza, creo que eso ocurre cuando llevas mucho tiempo ignorandote a ti mismo y tapando los malos momentos a como de lugar, ya sea ahogados en tareas, como en preocupaciones...pero todo tiene su límite,¿no?, y el mío llegó.
It's been a long time since I've been here, I have so much to say...I try to find a way to talk about what I live, about all the thoughts that constantly appear over and over again...and I don't succeed at all.
I think that happens when you have been ignoring yourself for a long time and covering up the bad moments as much as possible, either drowned in tasks or in worries...but everything has its limit, right, and mine has arrived.
Hace mucho tiempo decidí ser más positiva, ser más agradecida, y lo logré, salí de huecos emocionales y logré sanar muchas cosas...pero creo que no había entendido algo importante, y aunque lo dije muchas veces...no lo aplicaba, y es que estar mal es parte de la vida, sentirse frustrado, molesto, triste...todo eso a lo que empecé a huirle con desesperación, es parte de estar viva.
Llegué a rechazar tanto esa parte de mi que me cree un constante círculo de presión por estar bien, y si me llegaba a sentir un poco mal enseguida lo ignoraba, decía :"debes ser agradecida, no tienes que sentirte mal", y así fue hasta que exploto todo dentro de mi...y ahora vivo consecuencias físicas, consecuencias médicas...
Ya ni siquiera puedo sacar ese lado de mi dónde expresaba mis emociones y podía escribir un libro entero, y me entristece sentir que perdí esa parte, porque si bien era bastante negativo vivir constantemente con esos pensamientos o emociones, también me daban libertad.
Quiero recuperarla...y por eso estoy acá.
A long time ago I decided to be more positive, to be more grateful, and I succeeded, I got out of emotional holes and I managed to heal many things...but I think I had not understood something important, and although I said it many times...I did not apply it, and that is that being bad is part of life, feeling frustrated, upset, sad...all that to which I began to flee with desperation, is part of being alive.
I came to reject that part of me so much that I created a constant circle of pressure to be well, and if I felt a little bad I immediately ignored it, I said: "you should be grateful, you don't have to feel bad", and so it was until everything exploded inside me...and now I live physical consequences, medical consequences....
I can't even bring out that side of me anymore where I used to express my emotions and could write a whole book, and it saddens me to feel that I lost that part, because even though it was quite negative to live constantly with those thoughts or emotions, they also gave me freedom.
I want it back...and that's why I'm here.
Tal vez así logré finalmente estar completa, estar bien con ambas partes de mi, y poder sentirme en total libertad de sentirme mal porque si, de expresar mi dolor porque es válido, porque es importante y porque si duele se debe expresar.
También esto me ha enseñado a ser más justa conmigo misma, a no quedarme tan callada cuando siento injusticias, agresiones o minimizaciones, solo falta una pequeña pieza, un fragmento mínimo pero importante, mis voces internas necesitan ser escuchadas por mi.
Y como cuesta esa parte, porque aprendí a escuchar a los demás y entenderlos del todo, Pero yo soy el laberinto más grande y complejo que he enfrentado, y me pierdo a veces, me descuido, es frustrante.
Maybe this is how I finally managed to be complete, to be well with both parts of me, and to be able to feel totally free to feel bad just because, to express my pain because it is valid, because it is important and because if it hurts it should be expressed.
This has also taught me to be more fair with myself, to not be so quiet when I feel injustices, aggressions or minimizations, only a small piece is missing, a minimal but important fragment, my inner voices need to be heard by me.
And how hard that part is, because I learned to listen to others and understand them at all, But I am the biggest and most complex labyrinth I have ever faced, and I get lost sometimes, I get careless, it's frustrating.
Espero poder escribir otra vez como antes, tener esa felicidad al imaginar cosas y plasmarlas acá para ustedes...espero leer como antes, y ser tan comunicativa y sensible como lo fui, he aprendido a que callar no significa estar bien.
Que hablar sana más de lo que imaginé y que las voces de mi interior deben ser escuchadas, aunque sean dañinas a veces, aunque no aporten en nada, merecen ser escuchadas...gracias por leerme, gracias por estar acá y darme tu apoyo, recuerda que no estás sol@ que estamos acá, que puedes hablar, que serás escuchado.
I hope to be able to write again as before, to have that happiness to imagine things and capture them here for you...I hope to read as before, and to be as communicative and sensitive as I was, I have learned that being silent does not mean being well.
That talking heals more than I imagined and that the voices inside me must be heard, even if they are sometimes harmful, even if they don't contribute anything, they deserve to be heard...thank you for reading me, thank you for being here and giving me your support, remember that you are not alone, that we are here, that you can speak, that you will be heard.
(versión gratuita)
Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator
(free version)
Oriana Paoli
@orita0
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