I will never believe I would be the one saying suicide victims are not to be blamed. They were already walking dead. I remember those days when I used to get pissed off hearing news of a suicide death. I thought it was so foolish of them to do so. Why would they do that?
Alas, everyone is a motivational speaker until they experience it. That was my case.
My depression phase started during my secondary school days while in S.S.S. 2. As one of the best students in my school at that time, a lot was expected from me. I felt so pressured (I so much hate that feeling). I really didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially my family.
I went for a competition one beautiful day (was it beautiful sef? It was the start of my ugly days). At the end of the competition, I didn't do well, hence I didnβt qualify for the next stage. But unfortunately for me, a colleague, who the school didnβt really think would do better than me, qualified for the next stage.
Oh gawd... Of course, I was happy for him (he was even a friend, still is), but the school management began to mount pressure on me. Various teachers kept telling me to see them. Some said I was just reading to pass in school, while others said I had relaxed and wasnβt reading anymore.
The principal saw me with a friend and called me to ask how well she does in school. Then he said I should be careful about the friends I move with. I was just choked with different gossips from students, teachers, and even my so-called friends. I felt like a criminal.
My family didnβt really say much; they always encouraged me and didnβt even complain. But I still felt I had let everyone down. Going to school became a nightmare. Every night was filled with thoughts and dreams about death. It felt like the whole world had rejected me. At some point, I thought God didnβt exist (He was actually working something out all along).
I felt so burdened and decided to talk to a friend, but it only made things worse. I started writing poems in a notebook on depression and death. My colleagues read the book, but none understood the message I was passing across. My family was oblivious too. They felt it wasnβt a serious matter. I was all alone.
I was depressedβa walking dead. Nothing was interesting any longer. My hobbies became boring.
I tried to be strong and continued pushing, but I was crushed again. It was the selection of prefects, and I wasnβt given the position I ought to be given. A new rule was introduced during my time. I also heard there was another reason (you donβt want to know the reason... my name!). Some teachers found it hard to believe that "Debbie" was written on my birth certificate (funny, right?).
Anyway, I still pushed through the failures and burdens. I almost changed schools, but it was my last year already, so I decided to cope. A lot happened during my last year too, but Iβm glad I didnβt jump from a three-storey building. Iβm glad I didnβt attempt to pierce my stomach with a sharp knife just to feel more pain. Iβm glad God saved me.
Now, I can look back and laugh. Iβm glad I didnβt give up. I realized that failure is just a push to break records of success. I also realized that peopleβs opinions donβt really matterβmy happiness does (as long as Iβm doing the right thing).
I canβt write all about my journey as a suicide survivor here (this post isnβt about it, but Iβll write it one day, and I pray it sets people who are depressed free).
Sometime last year, my mom told me news about a young lady working in a bank who committed suicide just because she didnβt meet up to a goal. I wanted to start the normal blaming, but I kept quiet because I had been there but survived. I understand that what she did was totally wrong, but she was already crushed by the weight of failure, and no one was there to help lift the weight.
Maybe she spoke out, maybe she didnβt, but who would have thought that just a little failure could cause suicide? Iβll say we rather not judge. Depression is real and can kill. We should be observant of our loved ones and friends and also be trusted people they can always reach out to.
I donβt blame suicide victims, but I do blame the toxic nature of some members of society (words can push one to suicide).
My depression phase taught me this: there is only one option, and itβs to LOOK UP TO GOD. Suicide was NEVER and will NEVER be an option!
Thanks so much for reading. π
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This is very touching to read!
Glad you survive that phase, indeed, it's a scary one that could lead to one's own death. I was almost like that, obsessed with good grades and coming first in class always π₯² we've learned better now, life is beyond good grades.
Life is indeed beyond good grades! I'm glad we found out before it's too late. Thanks so much for reading βΊοΈ.
Your experience was tough. It was almost too hard to read because I have been there. Although my saving grace wasnβt the same as yours. I had to find an anchor that wasnβt religious. But all the same, you survived and that is what matters
Thank youuuu
wow, there is only one option " look up to God"
The only and best option!
Sure
This is such a powerful write-up, it made me so emotional. I was in this EXACT same situation couple years back. As the head girl and leader of the debating community, people had high expectations of me. Everywhere; school, church, home. And when life didn't go as planned, I fell into depression as well.
It is not often talked about how the stage of moving from S.S.2/S.S.3 to the university can be overwhelming. I wish schools would include mental health subjects in the curriculum for senior secondary school students.
Thank God for life. I'm glad found light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing this with us.
True, mental health is very important.
Thank God! Thank you for reading too.
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STOPYour experience with depression and finding strength is inspiring, and your stand on looking up to God rather than giving in to it moved me. This message has the power to comfort and encourage someone to keep going. Thank you for sharing it.
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My pleasure. Thanks for readingβΊοΈ
Much welcomeπ.
I definitely understand the feeling of depression, especially when you become a topic of discussion by everyone around you, being deserted by friends and even people you trusted the most.
But the good side is, you stand firm, endure and conquered it, bringing out a strong and courageous lady out of you.
Thank you for sharing this amazing content π