People don't change for people, they change for themselves

The most valuable lesson I've learnt from my personal relationships is that people don't change for other people, they change for themselves; and if they don't want to change, they are not going to change.

Since I learnt this lesson, it has influenced my relationships greatly. I stopped trying to change people.

Sometimes, people get into romantic relationships thinking they can change their partner. They believe that they can change this person into what they ideally want. As a result, people get into relationships despite seeing obvious red flags in the person they want to commit to. People see characters that they know they may not be able to put up with, but ignore them because of the hope that they can be changed.

I have been in a relationship where I thought I could change the other person. I spent so much time and energy trying to get this person to change certain characters. I was patient and persistent. I guess in my head, I was trying to get her to be a perfect version of herself. However, later on, I realized I was trying to get her to change for myself. This is why, it is better to love a person for who they are and just accept them in totality, including their flaws and their strengths.

I'm not saying that change is a bad thing. But for a person to change certain things about themselves, it is a huge decision, and that person has to be willing to change for themselves.

The interesting thing is that if you want to change your partner, it's possible that that person isn't the one for you. Relationships are more about learning to respect the values of the other person, than trying to get them to value what we value. Like the popular saying goes, "variety is the spice of life". There's beauty in differences. Everyone is not meant to think the same, behave the same, or have the same values. Relationships are much more beautiful when both parties decide to love and respect the other person's values, despite the fact that it is different from theirs.

It takes a lot for a person to want to change for themselves, how much more for another person. Changing is something that a person should want to do because they feel the need to do it on their own behalf. Wishing or trying or wanting a person to change won't do it.

Realizing this would save you a lot of disappointments, it would save you a lot of effort. Many people don't realize this on time, and their relationships are either over or hanging on a balance. Some marriages are over or almost over because this was not realized on time. It cost me a relationship before I could learn this lesson.

I stopped trying to change anyone, and I've been better for it. My relationships have been better for it. This lesson doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. It applies to every other relationship we have with people, be it friendship or with family.

Image is mine

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