Something crawled into my head. It is pounding around in my sinuses looking for a way out. I would like to assist it, but it is moving around from right to left rapid-fire so that it is impossible to pinpoint the exact sinus cavity it is currently trying to break out of. I trust it is something cute and furry and loveable. It better be. I probably caught it on our hike yesterday.
Which Makes Perfect Sense, Because It Was The Hike Of The Damned From The Very Beginning
I decided to do this 52 Hikes thing with my kids this year. I saw some ad for it, and I didn’t click on it, but what I gathered is that you pay money to this random company, next you mind your own business while hiking weekly, and then you get some piece of crappy plastic as a reward for paying the company money while minding your own business. I’ve decided to forgo the part where I pay money and get a crappy piece of plastic, and instead just hike.
The boy has a lot of places he wants to explore, and I have a lot of grammar I want him to accomplish, and this 52 Hikes thing is a dangling carrot. Instead of me with the fierce look of a lioness saying through gritted teeth something like get the grammar done, kid I can say something like hurry up and get the grammar done so that we have time to go explore that forest with a thousand pine trees and five thousand palmettos!
Because This Is Florida, And That Is All We Have In Forests—Pine Trees And Palmettos
Lots of them. Or so I said to myself when I thought of all the state forests the boy has been enthusiastically waiting to investigate. But there is so much more here, and so much hidden among those palmettos.
I regret so deeply that Florida is so heavily populated now. I must be reincarnated from one of the Florida crackers of the early 1900s. I long for sable palms—not those exotic varieties the northerners always plant—against a golden sunset. I want my feet in the scrappy weeds intermingled in the sand of the orange grove. I want to balance awkwardly on the cypress knees sticking out of squishy mud next to a brown river. I need the pungent smell of salt and the sharp edge of oyster shells.
Sweet, real Florida.
It’s Really All My Fault It Was The Hike Of The Damned, Because I Went To Pizza Hut
For shame, starting a trip into the real Florida with not real pizza. Or at least not good pizza. The kids had their free Book-It certificates though, and free food is free food. You don’t turn down free food. I found myself standing in front of a cash register and a very large piece of plexiglass that probably had a lot more Staph on it than Covid. The room started to sway and a sense of panic washed over me—vertigo. Until I realized the plexiglass was swinging, not my inner ear. The man with my pizza had a mask on that covered one teeny bit of his squirrely looking beard. It was composed of long curling gray hairs sprawled outward like a million individual corkscrews eagerly seeking their cork mate to give a proper screwing.
I had the feeling at least one of those hairs was on my pizza, but I pushed the thought from mind.
We drove to our hike location—a place in Northeast Florida I had been to a few times years ago; a place that was always empty of human activity; a place I could safely take Big Dog without worrying about him swallowing anyone’s dog whole…
…a place that now humans flock to like a bunch of northerners running from snow. And with their Big Dog appetizers trotting right at their sides.
It was around then that the boy let out a groan of misery as he looked at his pizza. Had he noticed the beard hair? Was I going to be forced to be a littering hypocrite by way of throwing the miniature pizza box out the window to avoid wanting to puke on my steering wheel?
“My throat is sore,” the boy moaned. I knew that he could not be faking, because if he had been his theatrics would have started the moment the grammar book had been opened that morning.
Yesterday's Hike Will Probably Be Our Shortest Hike Out Of All 52
The boy wandered around like he had swallowed a frog and the sliminess just didn’t quite want to wash down. The girl—a true Floridian—informed me that socks are hot and ridiculous and should under no circumstances ever be worn, January be damned. Big Dog stayed behind with the windows rolled down part way, patrolling our parking space with eyes sharp on any suspicious looking Pomeranians.
But it's alright, because the salt air was pungent, the mud as quick-sand-like as any mud ought to be, the sky a perfect brilliant blue, the wire grass like nature's softest windchimes, and the oysters both chalky and sharp beneath the feet.
And it was sometime around then that the baby squirrel crawled into my sinuses. Or maybe it is a gopher mouse. A green anole? The southern toad?
Whatever it is, it better get out. I’ve got an elixir of garlic, ginger, horseradish, onion, and jalapeno, and I’m not afraid to use it.
It’s so strong it might even chase a virus out of me.
I have one very important question to ask.
Did that black bird fly straight into the tree and off itself?
Normally I'd figure these things out on my own and just keep it to myself but today, I need help.
It does look a bit like a torn black trash bag with a broken branch sticking out the side, now that I think about it. But yes, that cormorant flew there and decided to dry her wings in the sun, and then squawked at us in an annoyed manner. She apparently doesn't like her picture taken. I didn't apologize fast enough (by way of leaving), so she flew away.
Trashy birds are always so annoyed, with everything. Happy it's alive and well. Stared at that thing for while and even zoomed in. Still confused but that's nothing new.
I believe its feet and legs are black, so they are not really visible, and that branch it is standing on is actually a bit bigger and stronger than it appears in the picture. It does look odd. Or maybe it really is just a trash bag and I'm the one that is confused...
Hate to say it but now it's starting to look like a shadow witch riding a broom.
Oh no! That squawking may have been a curse. I'm probably cursed to have something in my sinuses for evermore. sigh
Hey. I know a trick for that bug removal. Blow your nose.
They taught me that in school when I was the learnin.
There is a cracker test.
Have whip: Cracker
No whip: Not cracker
Really? I thought it had to do with Saltines.
Have Saltines: Cracker
No Saltines: Not a cracker
Because what sort of person could call themselves a cracker without having actual crackers in their pantry?
I have Saltines and Ritz. The cracker genetics run deep in this house.
Lol.
The cracker power is strong in this one.
That elixir would chase the virus out of anything!! Amazingly my phone kept trying to change virus to virtues, hmm!!
52 hikes. That's a good old target. I agree with your method of doing it yourself. Over here we have this Trails Contest thing in which you pay money for access to an online map with trail walks marked out. If you complete them you get a crappy plastic thing. Obviously we decided to just carry on with our regular walks in much the same places for no money and no plastic!
Lol! It is an apple cider vinegar infused concoction of the devil, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if it chased out my virtues as well. For example, after tossing it back there is usually some unvirtuous words followed by Wow that burns!
Maybe you could just buy a beer for one of the dads that did pay for the map, and then he would let you have a copy. From that post you wrote about painting your face blue on that special day (don't remember the name), I've got an image of you leading your family with face painted and holding a big staff while wandering through the highlands. And I love it.
Haha, that is quite the image!! I wrote like the idea too, like a Pictish Gandalf striding out across the moors.
I love Apple cider vinegar, especially the potent stuff that really burns. I do my own pickled jalapenos in it. Yum yum. It's one of the best all round things things ever! The vinegar, not necessarily my jalapenos :0D
It is kind of fun when you know of only one real person from an entire country, because then you put all the stereotypes on them. For instance, Scrooge McDuck is the only Scottish accent I ever hear, and so thanks to the children watching Duck Tales, I read your comments with his voice in mind:)
Agreed, it is fabulous stuff, once you build a tolerance to the burn. You and I have a lot of cooking things in common.
Hehe, it isn't that far from the way a lot of people sound here. Thankfully, unlike Scrooge McDuck, most of us wear pants!
We do, I have noticed this!
HA! Maybe it is just the gold hunting Scotsmen that don't wear pants. I suppose not having pants really adds to the adventure.
That will be why Scottish weddings are such a thing with all of us kilted buiffoons running around!
I love Pizza Hut pizza, it is my fav ! I love homemade pizza too as it carries lots of nostalgia. When I was growing up there was not a pizza place on every corner like today, but even if it had been, with a family of 7, going OUT to eat was rare. Therefore, homemade pizza !
I like your idea (or somebody's idea) of the 52 hikes. I also agree with not paying someone else to tell you where to go. LOL.... that sounded kind of funny.
Sounds like you are allergic to something there and very allergic if it got you that fast.
That is some concoction you mentioned there. Does it really work? It sounds like it would taste gross, but I suppose no more gross than the bottled medicine. I on the other hand just pop a Claritin. Yeah, I'll probably die young for that.
I loved Pizza Hut as a kid too. Maybe because the crust is extra greasy? I prefer homemade pizza now, or one of the homemade-like local shops. Pizza does seem to be a fixture of every American childhood in one way or another.
I think I caught my son's virus, or more likely we were exposed at the same time and came down with it close together. So far all I've gotten from it is a headache, so I am counting my blessings. I do get a bit of pine scratchy throat annoyance for about three weeks every spring though, and that is nearly upon us. Yay. I think the master tonic does help. Initially it is potent as hell and it feels like you've swallowed hell. But you get used to it:)
LOL @ "Initially it is potent as hell and it feels like you've swallowed hell. But you get used to it:)"
My older brother learned how to make his own money early. He got a paper route of all things, back when boys (mostly) delivered rolled up newspapers to people's doorsteps from a giant basket on the front of their bicycles ! Once in a while the rest of us kids benefitted from his money making as he would sometimes share with us. I believe I actually remember the first time he bought a pizza from a locally owned place that was called Pizzaville. He had bought a large one and had eaten a slice or two before he got home and then he shared the rest with us. We were SO excited to be having some "real" pizza. It was a grand moment. 😄
Oh ! sorry about the virus. Hope you and the boy recover quickly !
If your headache is from your sinuses not draining, you can always try that trick where you take your finger and gently but firmly press at the top of your nose, about in-between your eyebrows, but maybe a smidge lower. Nearly always causes the sinuses to drain, pretty immediately.
Aw, what a good brother. I love your family. Mine would do stuff like that for us too. He would also pelt us in the face with acorns. Lol. Brotherly love.
Thanks, I will give it a try. I'm not sure that the sinuses are blocked at all, it just seems like a weird viral headache that has been going for 48 hours. But I will give it a go either way.
LOL... that was the best natural suggestion I could think of and I know if it is a virus, it won't be the cure..... but still, I was compelled to share.
It is a good idea. I love acupressure stuff. TCM is fascinating.
I read somewhere else that it said push your tongue up on the roof of your mouth while pressing in above your nose, but for me, that part isn't necessary. LOL !
🚨 🚨 🚔 SIR WE GOT A ACTIVE LITTERBUG! ALL HANDS ON DECK! RED ALERT, RED ALERT! 🚔 🚨 🚨
Funny seeing you here otherbrandt. How is brandt? Will they send Spot? Because I am fond of German shepherds and I might just go ahead and toss that box out now.
It will probably be an undercover Spot.
Oh good, I like surprises!
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