56 days of lockdown which induced a complete mental and emotional rollercoaster ride… and whilst I am admittedly still walking around with swirls of anxiety in my gut and having to stop and guide myself through moments of just wanting to disappear into a hole in the ground – I have finally seen the light – or at least a little bit thereof… No, not for the world, all the people on it nor the situation we all currently find ourselves in but – just for me and my life, which was challenge enough on it’s own, believe me! – It has taken me almost an hour just to smack this epic paragraph out, if you catch my drift.
Isolation does funny things to the heart and mind doesn’t it. The memes you see floating around on social media representing the stages of lockdown are quite an apt take on the reality of the situation and once I left my high and began the downward hurtle – boy did it come fast and furious. It felt like my stomach had been left behind, along with pretty much everything else. I honestly have not felt as low as I have been the last couple of weeks for years! Not only was it a very unfamiliar and unwanted feeling but it was amplified by hopeless desperation and fear that I would never feel like myself again. In many ways it has been like a seriously bad come down from a wild trip.
I think I speak for most people when I say that I have actually been my own worst enemy throughout it all. I put so much pressure on myself by default and despite the severity of the change in lifestyle, I continued to convince myself that I could manage it all – just like I had before… and I put up a damn good face for a good portion of the time… but the problem with that is that when you do eventually crack, you need a lot more than a mini tube of super glue to put your shit back together again.
The reality of the matter is that there is absolutely NOTHING “usual” about this situation and expecting “usual performance” from ourselves or others is Ludacris. I actually had to reach rock bottom, give up ALL fncks and let go of all the internal and surrounding pressures, suddenly sitting with a bag filled with a whole lot of “nothing”, staring aimlessly into the black hole to suddenly realise that somewhere in the bottom of that deep, dark pit was ME and that I absolutely HAD to find a way out.
At the risk of sounding like a stuck record, but in the efforts of transparency and relation – I have my mom staying with us who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer so caring for her as well as ensuring that I keep her “safe” have been pretty much top of my list as well as enormously emotionally and psychologically challenging... It is not easy seeing your parent so weak and in so much pain. You feel completely helpless no matter how much you do.
Then there is Jude and his online schooling… and in all essence they have been amazingly efficient – in many ways, too efficient because they almost transitioned seamlessly so the educational workload was added to my agenda because let’s be real here… there isn’t a ten year old alive that is going to do all their work unassisted and the fact that some was online and some manual only added to the pressure of organising it all and ensuring that I had enough peas left in my brain to cohesively send it all to the teacher in some kind of order by the end of each week.
The pressure for my presence here online has been equally daunting, for the simple reason that I was completely filled with guilt for not being able to manage it. Add to that, the mundane… the cooking, cleaning and general maintenance of the house… and mark my words – being OCD has NOT helped me lol… GLORY I miss my domestic!
...And then last but most definitely not least come the underlying stresses that ultimately affect your performance in all of the above spheres… the financial stress, stress of the future, life adaptation etc. For us, it is appearing to be a situation of only realistically being able to start bringing in consistent income again sometime in early 2021. I had to pull Jude out of school and enrol him for online learning… and as excited as I am about it, it still comes with a truckload of guilt and fear. The launch of Hive came almost serendipitously – as we are now living off all my accumulated Steem. Sadly I never got to “double” my wallet on hive, but damn am I grateful that we had that safety net and that in effect I didn’t actually lose anything I had worked for the past three years compliments of that airdrop…
So that is a brief outline of the things that I have had to deal with and when you add isolation and monotony to the equation – things can go south very quickly.
Sound familiar?
Situations like this create a multitude of stresses as we have all learnt and then those stresses are compounded by the completely unnatural state in which we have all been living. It is completely acceptable to be overwhelmed… and that was probably the hardest thing of all to accept – well, it was for me anyway. I think, once I accepted that – there was an immediate shift in the way I was looking at things and suddenly I was able to just tackle one thing at a time, ignoring the rest – whether they collapsed or not. I have found that through doing this, I am sitting in a very different emotional and headspace now, for which I am eternally grateful.
One simple acknowledgement, coupled with relative surrender… and suddenly I was able to feel like a functioning human being again. This in turn enabled me to get to a few productive activities here and there and those left me feeling just that little bit more positive – so on and so forth… it is a bit of a domino effect really… I would be a liar if I sat here and said that I “absolutely fine” – because I am not… but I am in a much better place than I was a week ago and I am actually beginning to feel certain levels of enthusiasm again… which feels a LOT more like me! yay to that! Lol
I have ZERO intention of putting any additional pressure on myself – not to achieve, not to feel good, not to impress anyone else or conquer any grand feats… I am simply going to revel in the fact that as I sit here RIGHT NOW, in this present moment… I feel good. Baby steps.
“The true definition of mental illness is when the majority of your time is spent in the past or future, but rarely living in the realism of NOW.” ― Shannon L. Alder
The reason I decided to write this today is because lately I have noticed a negative shift in the general expression of individuals on social media. The emotional depletion and mental desperation is rearing it’s head all over the place… and I just thought that I would share my own experience so that whoever reads this knows that they are not alone and that “this too shall pass”. Believe me, I was beginning to question that and I know with certainty that there are still “wobbly” days ahead of me, but I definitely feel better prepared for them now.
Sometimes we sit in our “space”, feeling like we are drowning – or maybe just treading water. Persist long enough and it can become a very lonely space. It is important to know that we are never alone. There is always at least one person that can and will relate to our circumstance and being able to identify with that is also a critical part of overcoming it… I received my snippets of “upliftment” elsewhere and now I am offering mine here. Use it, don’t use it.
“Don't look for peace. Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender” ― Eckhart Tolle
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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Shit is so effed up right now. And to have to go through the trials you are as a family are unimaginable. Add all the BS in the world right now on top of it, and I don't even know how you've been able to deal with it all.
It's incredibly impressive, for one, no matter if you felt you didn't handle it well.
I think we all took a dose of the Brown Acid, so to speak.
My heart has been going out to you and I can feel all the other positive vibes coming your way as well.
So glad to hear that spirit is finally lifting for you.
"Cause if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone, anyhow. Don't you know it's gonna be......alright!"
😊
Indeed,there are people that can relate to your circumstances. I enjoyed your reflection. Keep sharing!
Great writing. It describes a true reality of the present with all the overwhelming situation that is experienced worldwide. It is a broad reflection of the present life and culminates by inviting the human being to live and experience his peace today, not tomorrow's. You are an intelligent being with ample capacity to resist and give immediate responses to various situations in life. Do not stop being what you are, unless you stop thinking that there will be no more problems in life. Regards.
Oh very well written emotions on this virtual piece of paper. I can totally relate with the part of putting pressure on ourselves. And with trying to glue the heck of those cracks. Being slightly ocd myself, I deal not so well with imperfections and losing control. I loved the quotes you've sprinkled through the post. Surrendering can give you peace. Accepting the emotions and letting others know you are not always invincible is ok. I think that in this very admitting of the fact you lost a sense of power and order you actually start to regain it. And regaining a sense of power gives self control and peace. And yes... This too shall pass. Glad you shared this, it was inspiring to read it how you managed to cope with them all, like a magician playing with lots of cards and still managing to wink a smile while the inner pressure tank was boiling.
This is something I learned after my husband's passing in March - stress changes nothing, live in the moment and take one day at a time... tomorrow brings new shit to worry about. You have to embrace the emotions you are feeling at that moment and keep on moving forward. Hope you feel better soon and also your mom and everything works out.