I'm just gonna lay this out for you @ceparl
I am 65, I started drinking alcohol at around 14 (snuck my daddies booze at first)
By 16 I LOOKED old enough to buy it legally, and at that age I started Smoking pot.
I began doing "street drugs" about then as well.
At 18, I was driving the family car home from church with mama and daddy with me.
I pulled out in front of an oncoming car I somehow didn't see.
Daddy was severely injured and never came out of Intensive care. He died 3 wks later.
At 20 I enlisted in the US Air Force.
At 23, while on duty INSIDE a Titan IIC nuclear missile silo (I was on combat crew, which meant we stayed there for 24+ hrs) One of my commanding officers (Combat Crew consisted of 2 officers and 2 enlisted) used his rank to intimidate me into an abusive sexual relationship.
Even though I was VERY good at my job (awarded SAC NCO of the month once) the total shame at what I saw as a weakness manifested as GREATLY increased alcohol and drug use.
I had re-enlisted, but I got busted for pot, they tried to give me a dishonorable discharge, but I fought it and got honorable, discharged in 1980
From that point onward was a death spiral of alcohol and drugs, depression and increasing poor health.
I could go on with my laundry list, but suffice it so say I have a LOT OF BAGGAGE.
I have a psychiatrist (a pill pusher) and a psychologist (who I like a lot) both with the VA.
I do not think reading any book any SELF HELP book will do me any good. But I thank you
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I didn't know you had been through all that. That's why I said at first that I didn't know your circumstances. And the book was just a suggestion. Man, you've been through a lot of ugly and bad things. And in fact you have earned my respect and admiration for having lived through all that and still standing. If I have learned something, it is that yesterday is over, tomorrow is about to begin, so the only thing we have is today. I'm proud of you! You should be proud of yourself too @jerrytsuseer!
Well, I AM actually, but at the same time I'm ashamed of many if not most of the things I've done (I've only touched on things)
I started out in 2016 or 15, trying to write my 'memoirs' because when I related some of my experiences, many people expressed interest because it showed THEM that they CAN prevail over their own demons.
I actually got to 29 pages, when I reached the point where I was trying to write about one of the earliest (if not THE earliest) incident I remember of a sexual nature where I was "the bad guy" and nothing I could do, nothing I could write about it... well it came out everytime as if I were trying to justify what I had done.
There was no justification. Youth, adrenaline, inexperience and circumstance placed me in a spot where I did something I have regretted the rest of these 51 or so years since then. I realized what I was doing was terribly wrong, and after 5 months, I put a stop to it, but it was too late.
My family was shattered, my life and two others were irrevocably marred.
I've asked for forgiveness, which was given lip service to, but not from the heart and to this day the two others hold deep animosity towards me, one even threatening my life on more than one occasion.
I changed the direction of my VA Mental health counseling to try and get some internal resolution; two of the counselors said I was a criminal and should be locked up, one actually tried to connect me with sexual predator counseling (non VA)
That didn't happen. Thank God.
I still cannot write about those events.
I can understand the point where we do things without really thinking about the consequences. And that forgiveness, no matter how painful it may be, is the best way to start the healing process. I also spent some time writing my story, it was something that helped me a lot to know myself better and see the things I was doing on wrong way. You can find me on discord as @ceparl to talk as many times as you want and share experiences
There are many servers in Discord, none of which would I like to open up about this, even in that relatively non-public forum, unless you mean in DM. That I could do, but
What would the point be? I have no other piles of cat
left to uncover.
It is what it is.
I spend most of my time in Powerhouse Creatives (server) and 'The Terminal' also, a server