Hello, Hivers!
It's been a while, but I'm back with my Book of the Month. It's this thing where I share my "aha" moments from a book I read each month. For accountability, I thought, why not make a book review about it in my blog so that I keep a record of my insights and learnings? At the same time, I could (hopefully) inspire readers out there through my sharing. So, I started with Book of July: Atomic Habits by James Clear.
We're nearing the end of September already, but it wouldn't hurt if there's a delay haha! Better late than never lol. For my Book of August, I'm going to share what I've read about Daring Greatly by Brené Brown.
I stumbled upon this book when out of frustration, I literally typed in Google's search box: "books about gaining confidence". As I read the synopses of all the book recommendations, Daring Greatly caught my attention. I wasn't searching for books that told me HOW to gain confidence. I wanted to find a book that will direct me to the roots of the lack of self-esteem. I figured I could solve this through root cause analysis. Daring Greatly has answered me plain and simple. The root lies in vulnerability.
Dr. Brené Brown is a shame researcher and she has gathered a lot of data a.k.a stories from people from different walks of life. You'd think she's a pro with these uncomfortable feelings, but no, she's not immune. When TedxHouston invited her as a speaker in 2010, she said yes mainly because she thought she was only exposing herself to a hometown crowd.
It's Houston, a hometown crowd. Worst-case scenario, five hundred people plus a few watching the live streaming will think I'm a nut.
But now her talk about "The Power of Vulnerability" is one of the most viewed TED talks of all-time, according to TED itself. As a researcher, she was comfortable by staying below the radar. But that talk pushed her towards the spotlight. When her email was overflowing with speaking invites and the comments section of the video continue to grow (both the good ones and the bad), it terrified her. You see, it happens to all of us. Even the practitioners feel the same way. They're just better at handling it.
The Myths Surrounding Vulnerability
It's the survival of the fittest out there. There is little to no room to talk about vulnerability when people are more concerned about climbing the corporate ladder, for example. Trying to establish dominance over one another. It's just how the world is.
The topic of vulnerability is shoved under the rug. It's not essential to talk about it at the moment. It's an unnecessary weakness. That's because of the myths that hang around vulnerability
🎯Vulnerability is weakness
I'd thought this, too. We build walls because we want people to see the fantasy rather than oftentimes, the ugly truth. We post the victories on social media, but not the failures and the struggles before it. If we let our feelings show, we let our shields down. We welcome trouble.
But that's because we view it one-sidedly. When Brown asked moments of vulnerability to her subjects, these were some of the answers:
- Calling a friend whose child just died
- Writing something I wrote or a piece of art that I made
- Getting pregnant after three miscarriages
These instances are not weaknesses. It's courage. Vulnerability is where courage and fear meet.
🎯Vulnerability is not for Everyone
Lawyers CAN'T be vulnerable, that's a liability in their line of work. A patriarch CAN'T be vulnerable, he has to be a role model for his family. A CEO CAN'T be vulnerable, he or she has got a company to run.
But as long as we are in relationships, personal or work, we'll encounter it one way or the other. We just got to acknowledge it, that's the first step to daring greatly. Admit that you're scared of launching your business, but you're going to do it anyway. Admit that you can't do it alone that's why you need the help of your team.
These are the challenges of being alive, of being in a relationship, of being connected.
🎯Vulnerability is letting all our guards down
It's quite stupid to think that vulnerability is telling people about your dreams, fears, and thoughts at the get-go. Celebrities sharing all of their life on social media is not vulnerability, it's floodlighting. Vulnerability is still about boundaries and trust, which is a slow, gradual process.
Shame Resilience
It is the way of overcoming our fear of vulnerability.
How many times have we chickened out because we were afraid of what people might say about us? How many times have we talked ourselves out of doing something because we're afraid of rejection? How many times were we halted by the uncertainties and risks of emotional exposure?
My close friend always says to me, "do it, you won't die". And now I'm beginning to put that into good use. I have begun to try things that scared me because I know I won't die. Worst case, I'll feel ashamed and disappointed. But I'll live. We'll live. And if we fail, at least we dared greatly.
Uncertainties and risks -- this is what vulnerability is all about. The only way we can deal with vulnerability is to go through shame. No other way but through. The first step is always the hardest.
In the book, Brené has shared her process of breaching through the shame to daring greatly.
First, let's all practice courage and reach out. A support system is very important. Choose your inner council. Choose people that will accept you not despite your flaws, but because of your flaws. Whenever you did something courageous, reach out to your inner council. Share your experience with them. We need to know that we are not alone.
Learn to Love Yourself by Louise Hay, is everything that you need to read. Or hear. When we're overwhelmed with shame, it's natural to be condescending to ourselves.Second, be kind to yourself. Everything that my good friend @thegaillery had said in her brilliant post,
"How stupid can I get?"
"What a dumb useless prick"We need to be aware of when we sabotage ourselves. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a loved one. Talk to yourself like you would with your sweet grandparents. If you're a parent, talk to yourself like you would to your child. Treat yourself with love and respect.
Third, let's not bury our stories or shove them under the rug. These shameful stories -- we can own them and write our ending. Yes, we may have made mistakes, but we get to turn the tables. We have to make peace with our failures in the past and take the lessons with us and move on.
Tearing Down the Walls
If you're also one of those people who aren't comfortable with facing your fears, taking risks, and confrontations, I believe it can be learned. Little by little. We all have defense mechanisms that were embedded in us by our past experiences. As I've read many times (and I continue to reiterate it), the first step of correcting a mistake is acknowledging it first. It'll be helpful for us if we are aware of what our shields are and when it becomes self-sabotaging.
🎯 Foreboding Joy VS Practicing Gratitude
Are you a worrier? Have you been let down too many times that your senses wake up when you feel that everything seems too good to be true?
We may associate vulnerability with sadness, worry, and fear. But even joy is a vulnerable emotion. For people who have experienced a lot of bad things in their life, hope is a dangerous drug. Getting pregnant again after three miscarriages? Getting married to a man when you came from a broken family and have been cheated by guys before? Finally getting that dream job after several declined applications? Seeing all your dreams come into fruition after 3 or 4 failed business ventures? I imagine if it happens to me, I won't allow myself to feel joyful yet in case I get too attached and the moment would be stolen away from me again.
Instead, why don't we counter foreboding joy by practicing gratitude? Why don't we learn to accept that we are worthy of feeling joy after all the disappointments? When you feel overwhelming joy, go ahead and take a picture memory.
Don't take what you have for granted -- celebrate it. Don't apologize for what you have. Be grateful for it and share your gratitude with others.
🎯Perfectionism VS Appreciating the Beauty of Cracks
I'm guilty of this. Too many times, I have delayed myself into doing the things I wanted to do or share because I'm not ready yet. It's not yet the perfect moment.
Yes, it's crucial to prepare when you are creating something. But we have to know when the timing is ripe to launch it already, otherwise, we'd be paralyzed by our thoughts. Thoughts whether we'll meet their expectations. Thoughts whether we're just wasting our time because this is just another mistake in the making. Self-sabotaging thoughts.
One thing I've learned from my mentor in freelancing is to start doing. Launch your project. You'd be a fool to think that it will run perfectly right at the start. Welcome the constructive feedback from people you serve on what are the things that you could improve on. Don't listen to naysayers. What I'll never forget from Brené Brown was when she said:
If you are not in the arena also getting your butt kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback.
🎯Beating Around the Bush VS Reality Check
Procrastination. Lying. Pretending. Indifference. Numbing.
Anything to avoid the discomfort of vulnerability. You'd only get exhausted running in circles. These vulnerability armors -- these are short-term solutions. These feelings are recurring as long as we live in this world where all of us are connected.
I'm not one to talk about relationships. But maybe not having honest conversations may cause some marriages to fail. But again, I'm not in the position to talk. So, let me just talk about family backgrounds instead. Haha!
Why is it important for a family to have meals together and just talk and be interested in one another's day? I think it's to create a culture of honesty and acceptance. To be honest, I envy most of the mother-daughter relationships I see everywhere. Because I don't have one. Don't get me wrong, my parents have provided me well and even more. They have supported me always, so far. It's just that my mother has a strong personality and she's one of those people who "don't do vulnerability". So, growing up, I embodied the culture of becoming tough. To keep other emotions out, and just surface what I perceive to be acceptable behavior. When I had problems, I confided to my friends instead of my family.
But, we can change the deep-seated culture. As I mentioned in My Thought About Hive, I was tired of being still. It's exhausting avoiding the risks and uncertainties. It will lead me nowhere. So, slowly, I started standing up for myself. Voicing my opinions in the family. Showing compassion even if they label me as "sensitive". But this is my daring greatly.
What is Daring Greatly?
I was looking for a book that can guide me towards the root of my confidence problem. Too many times, I've been told the obvious. Be confident. It's like saying "calm down" to a person during an anxiety attack. Futile.
But right now, I'd like to think I was enlightened. People have low self-esteem because of a lot of factors. Humans are complex creatures that way. If we like to get to the bottom of our confidence issues, we have to dig deeper. For me, it lies in the fear of uncertainties, risks, and emotional exposure -- vulnerability. But it would differ from people to people, I know. For someone like me who thought being strong and indifferent will keep me safe, I needed to learn that vulnerability is not a weakness. It's a must for me to grow. But for others who grew up with another culture, it may be different for them. It may be a lesson of building boundaries so they won't be taken advantage of. Like all things, vulnerability needs a balance.
Never did I know adulting is about fighting our inner demons. Nobody made me aware. It wasn't taught in schools. It was supposed to be taught inside our homes. It was supposed to be taught in our workplaces. Now, the challenge is to build the gap. Normalize leaders who welcome change. Normalize parents who are humble to be corrected by their children. Normalize that learning brings discomfort. Otherwise, you're not really learning.
To close my TED talk my version of a book review, I'm leaving a famous speech made by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910 entitled, "The Man In The Arena". This speech was the inspiration of Brené Brown to write her book.
Let's not sit in the sidelines while we hurl judgment and criticism. Let us dare greatly in the arena.
To the men and women daring greatly in the arena 🥂
🌟END🌟
All quote images were edited using Canva and lines from the book, Daring Greatly.
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Thank you so much @kayceeports2020 for this blog post! There are so many valuable lessons in your comprehensive review and they gave me a strong reason to purchase this book “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. Looking forward to digesting every word on this literary gem!
Thank you 😊 She also has some other books that are lined up in my to-read list. And she has a lot of talks in Youtube.
I love this so much ♥️
The antidote to shame - empathy
This is going to be in my head for long
Thank you sis 💖😘
Thank you for your wonderfully written book review tied in with your personal experience and reflections. It is great that you have shared the Ted Talk too. I have been meaning to watch it and this is the best opportunity to do so. I could relate with the strong mother figure. I grew up in a household where revealing one's weakness to the outside world was discouraged and this conflicted with my need for authenticity.
You're welcome. She also has a talk in Netflix, you can watch if you like 😁
I agree, but it's good that we identified the problem. Then, we now know what culture we want our kids (future kids for me haha) to grow up in.
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