Hello Everyone!
A fun evening, The value of good neighbors, Tiny incremental changes, A busy day of chores & A change in approach!
Alright, I am right on time this evening with my writing routines but my brain is in slow motion. Hopefully the espresso that I brewed proves strong enough to overcome my sense of lethargy before I fizzle out here. I also hope that I finally put just the right amount of strawberry ice cream in it... not to cause me to have a sugar crash later on!
Before I dive in here, I should say that last night I had a blast hanging out around the fire and blasting music across the countryside... as I am occasionally wont to do. It is kind of funny because each year since my arrival here... I have raised the volume by 3.15-ish decibels on new year's eve and that then becomes my new 'loudest volume' for the remainder of the year.
Having done the music thing for so long now (in so many places that I have lived) I am always slightly amazed at how awesome the neighbors in this area are... and how I have yet to hear a single complaint. That might be different if I was trying to be annoying with it, or blasting it late at night constantly... but as things stand... it just adds to the general 'atmosphere' and no one 'bats an eye' over all the racket.
I know that I have stated this numerous times over the years... but when it comes to fireworks and gunshots going off all over the place... nothing drowns it out like the music. Heck, this time around I only saw one of the dogs glance in the direction of a large barrage of fireworks... as if they were mildly curious what it was... and none of the dogs got stressed out at all during the entire evening!
For much of the evening I just sat around the fire and mulled over where I am at in life, what I want to do in the future... and occasionally jumped up and tweaked the mixer to keep the music sounding optimal. Generally speaking, I just enjoyed the warmth of the fire and tried to remind myself that I was trying to celebrate... and not there to overthink everything.
One thing that I assuredly noticed is that throughout the evening... I let go of one thing that had been stressing me out after another. That may well have had something to do with the small amount of vodka that I was sipping on... but each time I 'let go of a stress' it was because I had committed myself to taking some kind of action in regards to whatever the source of the stress was.
It assuredly had more to do with my mindset because long before I had taken the first shot... I had come up with a goal for the year to reach out to folks more and just communicate/engage more often. Which I promptly did with everyone that I could think of... so that once I did start to unwind I was not impulsively doing it whilst all buzzed.
In other words it seemed like making real commitments (and taking action on them) were to be best made before any sort of inhibitions were lowered. It also made it a heck of lot harder to write those commitments off later... since I had made them in a clear state of mind. It also had the wonderful effect of me not having to mull all that jazz over while trying to relax and have a good time.
I really do not know what changed over the last several years... but I have continued to fail at becoming an alcoholic... and although a humorous side of me chides myself that 'you even failed at that in life' I do not mind said change at all. Doing it 'full tilt' a few special times a year seems about as much energy as I can put into it all... and even last night I could not muster the fortitude to go 'full tilt' with it which was fine by me.
Well, I was not anticipating writing that much on that particular topic but for folks who are not long time readers... I will continue on. Basically, I like to treat the stuff like the 'medicine' that it is... and have zero hangups about it along the way. Many folks say something along the lines of 'everything is good in moderation' which is not a sentiment I necessarily share wholeheartedly... but that is beside the point... and I am more saying that: If you have to moderate it that much then it is probably more problematic than it is worth.
As I have said numerous times before I have my hands full with my actual vices (that I equally have no hangups over) and adding to them is not something that I am very keen on. When I first began sharing these entries (meaning the entries from my first of now three 'daily' series) I really was hoping to curb the writing vice some... but I think it has actually gotten 'worse' and not better. Sure, I actually share my writing now, and structure it better (which is easier done since I am typing on a computer) but overall I am absolutely hooked on it all... and possibly in a more profound way than I ever was before... so go figure.
Anyways, another big commitment that I made yesterday before the 'festivities' began was that I have to spend less time on the computer each day... and more time outdoors. It is not like I have been 'wasting my time' or anything on the computer... because by and large I spend the bulk of my time either doing research on various technologies or coding... but I am not getting in enough physical activity along the way.
I mean sure I have been rather hellbent on my coding projects for the last year or so... and have no regrets... but in the process I have put entirely too many other aspects of my life on hold to do so. I am by no means 'lazy' even whilst sitting still but (as I have said before) unless I actually wear my body out each day... I tend to beat myself up over it all.
Which yeah, is as irrational as it seems... but I guess that it is all residual 'programming' from my upbringing and the way it is instilled in folks to work themselves to death for money... unless they are born into money. I will not get sidetracked into the absurdity of all that... but there are definitely two different sets of 'societal pressures' applied depending upon which side of the economic spectrum someone is lucky (or unlucky) enough to be born into.
What I was getting at there is that I just want to be more physically active... and I know (from past experience) that the way to 'get the ball rolling' in that regard is to: Wake up, get some coffee in me and start moving! These days it is never as simple as that because I often have things that need attending to online first (no complaints because the engagement is good) and by the time all that is done... I kind of want to take a nap just to hit the 'reset button' on my mind.
Seriously though, the main things that I know to do is to shut the computer off, put some 'work clothes' on (which seem to be all I own at this point in life) get my boots on and get the heck out the door. Of course my first chore is always to get the dog yard cleaned up... and believe me when I say that there is nothing like starting the work day 'shoveling shit' because everything after that seems like a cakewalk.
Today though, I went a bit over the top with it all because I also pulled a bunch of stuff out of the cabin (including the rug and dog bedding) and vigorously cleaned the floor... before piling everything back in and putting in the 'clean' rug and 'clean' bedding. I say it that way because like I said a while back... I have a set of them that I hang up on the dog yard fence... and a set that I have deployed and am constantly washing and rotating them.
I also decided that today was a good day for a bath... since the wind was not that strong and it was more or less 'warm' outside. So, I of course had to pump the tub out and give it a good cleaning before filling it with hot water. There was actually a bunch of other small chores that I got caught up on (including draining the water system before the freeze tonight) and by the time that I could slip into the tub for a soak the sun was already setting on the horizon... but at least by then the water was the perfect temperature.
On a different note. I know that many folks start the new year off with a bang (meaning they heap pressure on themselves to make a bunch of huge changes) but all day today (and to some degree last night) I keep/kept thinking that all I want to do is make several very small incremental changes... and see what happens. I am really not at all feeling 'pumped' for the year ahead... but there are a few other changes that I want to make aside from what I mentioned earlier.
One change that I want to make (in an incremental way) is to get myself back into a better head-space by working on improving my morale... which as I have noted repeatedly has taken a huge dive over the last few years. I have no idea what it will take to do so... but whoa I just cannot stand feeling like that day in and day out.
Previously, I had mentioned how I work ridiculously long hours on my coding projects (to be clear there is no money involved with that stuff) but to give you an example of just how odd it all is consider the following. This one project in particular I had worked on for over a year... and although I had dozens (or even dozens of dozens) of successes along the way (by reaching one milestone after another) it was not until it was 'finished' that I quite literally gave myself one tiny pat on the back for all my efforts... then subsequently wrote it all off as not good enough a few days later.
All of which seems to be my pattern lately... because it happens with one project after another... and I know that if my morale was better that my sense of reward would be larger as well. Seriously the 'insanity of it' seems to 'know no bounds' and it is like the more effort that I put into something... the more defeated that I feel upon its completion.
While I was sitting around the fire last night (it must have been super late because there was a country music influenced psytrance track playing) I had this epiphany that the Achilles heel of being a hermit (for me personally) is there just are not folks to help remind me of my achievements in a meaningful way. I know that for most folks it would be loneliness or something ephemeral/shallow like that... but for me it seems like it really boils down to my morale slipping... because I so easily overlook (forget) what I have already accomplished... while focusing on what is next.
I am nothing if not odd... but I really do need to sort myself out better in regards to all that stuff... because having overcome depression and numerous other things over the years... and being quite content to be alone... it seems like there is still something missing. Perhaps that missing factor can be filled in by communicating more (like I previously mentioned) but I am beginning to think that it could also be something I am missing in my diet... and is not anything mental or emotional at all.
Wouldn't it be wild if putting myself on multivitamins for a week or two made some massive improvement for me... and this whole time I have been looking for the 'solution' in the entirely wrong department! Not that I would eat that trash they sell at the stores or anything... but hopefully folks understand what I mean there. For what it is worth I do buy a rather good balance of different foods... but my budget by no means affords me buying everything that I really need.
Basically, what I am saying is that instead of pounding my head against the same proverbial wall over and over again... I need to take a step back, reexamine everything and see what I notice. I do know that I often wake in the middle of the night craving one food or another, eat it while I am half-awake and then fall right back asleep again.
This most often occurs with fruits... so I guess that I can start by buying more fruit. That is if the little store that I shop at has them when I go on my monthly shopping trip. A lot of the fruit there (when they do have it) does not store very well... and even the citrus that I get there sometimes turns moldy in just a day or two... so in the end I may wind up buying a bunch of those super expensive fruit smoothie drinks instead.
At this point I am willing to try almost anything... because I really dislike feeling the way that I have been feeling (physically speaking) and hopefully that small change combined with more physical activity will do the trick. I know that folks are often trying to fill some kind of void in their lives with external things... but I really think that I filled (or omitted) any such voids long ago... and it comes down to something just being out of whack on a very basic/physical level.
Okay I just hit the four hour mark on my time invested on this entry... so I only overshot my 'limit' by two hours and still have all the editing, proofreading, image editing and posting to do... and gods help me it will be another hour or so before I can wrap this all up! When will I ever learn to watch the clock closer and get better at matching my time invested to my potential return. As with most things for me it amounts to: Maximum effort always equals minimum return! If only the inverse of that were true my life would assuredly be much better!
Ta ta for now. Be well, stay safe, keep your head on a swivel (if need be) and have a nice time!
Glad to hear that the dogs weren't disturbed by the fireworks and gunshots. The fireworks are something I do not enjoy about New Year's time -- and neither do my cats. They just hide under the bed for a few hours and it they seem alright when it's all over.
Good luck with your goals to get outdoors more and be on the computer less - for me it helps to schedule my day around the sun. Right now it is summer so I try to spend my computer time mid-day when it is too hot to do much in the garden or on the fencing project. But, I am breaking my rule right now --- gonna go out and seed some micro-greens!!
Hehe! Rule breaker! I waited until the afternoon to reply so as not to encourage such behavior. :)~
How many cats do you have? I have four dogs of my own and then another dog (the property guard dog) that I tend to. She is a bit of a beast but thankfully is not what we call 'gun shy' (meaning noise does not bother her much) and my own dogs have definitely grown less 'jumpy' over the noises now that they are getting older.
I totally understand scheduling your day around the sun and tend to do the same. The cold snap here at the moment has my schedule where I am beginning my outdoor activities around noon. During the warmer months I do the same with spending mid-day on the computer so that I can maximize my efforts during the early and later hours of the day.
I have three cats that are all three years old, they are two brothers and a sister - during my childhood we always had cats who were not related and now I see that farm cats do best when they are family. I think dogs are different in this way and are more open to adopt others. It is so cute to see two or three of them walking around the land together, and I once observed them take on the biggest snake I have ever seen (here at least) the snake backed down because they were all together. I was afraid to intervene and scare the snake so it was quite nerve-racking to watch because their sister was killed by a snake bite when she was a kitten - at least that is what we think happened.
Yes, it is best to go with the schedule that nature has set out for us. In winter I tend to sleep in, or work on sewing in the morning, and then try to soak up the sun when it is out.
Thank you so much for the HP by the way! Truly appreciated!
Again. This deserves more time than I can give it (because I am writing my daily entry at the moment) but I have to say:
I have a momma dog that I kept three of her pups from. Two sisters and a boy. One of the sisters survived not one but two snake bites as a pup. In my experience (and this may just be my experience) I think dog packs do way better when they are a family unit... but mine are work dogs and not truly domestic pets so I dunno!
Okay, back to the writing! Also yeah you are quite welcome on the delegation! I hope it helps.
Wow that is great that you have a family of animals too! And amazing that your girl dog survived two snake bite!! My cats were meant to be farm cats, and stayed out all night when they were old enough to. But once the kitten was killed we couldn't bear to loose another and now they are quite domestic though they do a great job of keeping rodents and even cockroaches out of the house and chasing birds out of the garden. And they are just so cute!!
Indeed! I thought the coincidence of a family of pets merited pausing the writing long enough to reply. I often call the dogs 'wilderness dogs' and what I meant by 'domestic' is just that they do not have much experience being in or around the hustle and bustle of either the suburbs, a city, town etcetera.
Yeah, dogs can handle snake bites rather well as long as they are not on the 'trunk' of their body and the dog is not old. She got bit twice in the face. As a side note, she became super skilled at finding/noticing snakes so go figure.
All the dogs are trained on hunting rodents and in fact it is the only thing they are allowed to hunt. Although they are mostly retired now they spent much of their lives driving off large predators like bears, big cats (like bobcats) and some rather large coyote packs. They never 'close' with those kinds of animals (or the more problematic two-legged critters) but they do a fantastic job of driving them off a property... or just keeping them away altogether.
What kind of snake was it that got that cat? The dog had gotten bit by a copperhead on the two occasions she was bit.
I am glad you had a nice night when I was reading about you sitting by the fire, I could see myself there with you.
One of the dogs that I have shakes and hides under my chair during thunderstorms and the 4th of July, last year she did it on the 1st, too, but this year, she stayed calm, and the other dog did not react either, she barks at any little noise at night.
It is easier to live up to other's standards than it is to our own standards. Maybe your coding is not good enough for you but someone else might find it useful.
I would bet you are missing a lot of things in your diet. Food can alter many things.
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I am glad that you felt like you were there! I sure thought of you several times throughout the evening.