Lately, I have been going through a dark night of the soul, and very recently, prompted to start researching more about them. The two main perspectives I see online are the Catholic perspective (after all, the very term “dark night of the soul” comes from Saint John of the Cross), and the new agey-psychological perspective. Don’t get me wrong, there is wisdom to be had from both of those perspectives. It seems to be a pretty universal experience, and the main difference seems to be how we frame it, and what we get or learn from it. So I thought – both for my own clarity as well as to share – I would tackle trying to articulate how I feel about it from my Pagan (specifically, Druidic) perspective.
an old photo I took of a spider on their web
The biggest difference I see between the two dominant perspectives is that, the Catholics look at the end point as having a better connection with God, that the process is purifying you so that you go deeper in your relationship with him and how you prioritize your life; the new agers talk a lot about “ego death” as part of the spiritual awakening process and that in the end, you’ll vibrate higher and be more aligned with your purpose (vibration being an idea that stems from the law of attraction, which if you’re unfamiliar, a simplified explanation is, you want to resonate energetically/vibrationally with that which you want, so you want a high vibration to align with positive things (essentially, good vibes only), and a low vibration is aligned with sad or negative things (they call this “contrast” as in, it contrasts with what you want). I did get into the LofA for a few years and really tried it and studied it, and ultimately I do not agree with this theory for a myriad of reasons, which I won’t get into here. But this is often what people are referring to when they talk about “manifesting”).
I’ve been thinking on it, and in my humble opinion, I feel like part of the reason why this happens is because we don’t do initiations and tests like we used to do in olden days. Have you ever read ancient history and saw some mention about rites of passage that could be literally life threatening, and thought, wow, that’s kinda crazy? Modern society generally frowns on such things these days, but historically, around the world, you’ve got everything from youths going out into the wild to survive or perform some feat to be entered into adulthood, warriors undergoing dangerous initiations, holy people undergoing rigorous aesthetic practices and purifications and mortifications, rituals to induce ecstatic or mind-altering states involving various dangrous or painful practices, and so on. But nowadays, society thinks such things are crazy, barbaric, uncivilized, silly, and otherwise looks down on them and will possibly even come for you in some way if you do them (practicing corporeal mortification might get you labeled as self-harming or suffering from scrupulosity, which is a real psychological diagnosis for when you are so hung up on following the rules of your religion that it becomes obsessive for you like OCD). Such things are often even code for “extremist” or even the villain of a story, such as in the monk in The DaVinci Code who flagellated himself and was one of the main bad guys in the story.
Seeing these practices as “bad” instead of admired is a pretty recent phenomenon. Even if you didn’t practice them yourself, people who did them were often admired as brave, strong, or pious, dependent on context. But now they’re seen as crazy and discouraged.
Now I’m not saying that you need to go get lost in the woods and don’t come back until you’ve killed a bear or something, but these practices throughout history served a purpose, spiritually, mentally, and communally. And we haven’t replaced them with anything.
I mean, sure. A lot of us Pagans do initiation rites, but they aren’t generally dangerous or “extreme” in any way. Catholics still have their markers of first communion, first confession, confirmation, and so on. Culturally, our markers of adulthood usually have more to do with reaching a certain age or graduating school. Various religions might fast, such as during Ramadan or Lent. But generally, with rare exceptions, we’ve gotten rid of these initiations, tests, trials, and purifications that in previous generations were an important part of spiritual growth and maturity.
flowers from a previous year's balcony garden
So if we’re not testing ourselves, if we’re not facing some trial that makes us question how we view the world and our place in it, if we’re not challenged to meet our Gods in some act of devotion or bravery, then how do we achieve those states of growth and meaning in our lives? I think the Gods provide them for us.
If you always feel secure in how things are done and how you relate to your Gods and that they will always answer and so on, things can start to become rote. Think again of how many Catholics (or other Christians) who just “go through the motions” and do what’s expected of them but don’t feel any spiritual connection or benefit from it. They go to church, but then on the way home they stop for brunch and treat their server like garbage, because nothing about performing their “duty” of attending mass inspired them to be like Jesus. Alternatively, you might start to feel cocky. If you think your Gods always answer when you want and your magick always works, you might start to feel super powerful and important and infallible, even. The after church brunch crowd fits this bill too, because some of them have a holier-than-thou attitude because they were “good” Christians who went to church and instead of a tip they leave their hardworking server a pamphlet about how they’re going to hell (in the US, you are obligated to tip because servers do not make even minimum wage; if you don’t tip, you are basically making the workers serve you for no pay).
So these times, when you are lost and feeling disconnected from your Gods, when worry about how you’re going to survive and feeling like you don’t have the strength to go on overwhelm you, you are being put through the trial that may have been achieved through a ritual in the long ago. Your beliefs are being tested, you are being humbled, you are being challenged to survive what feels impossible. Your place in society may be questioned, you may actually shift careers or where you live or end a relationship or start something new. You search, it feels hopelessly, for meaning or purpose for your life or your suffering. You long for that feeling of union with your Gods, you want answers, you want to know Why. You wonder if you have gone astray and what you might need to change about your life or your habits. Everything gets upended, everything falls apart; things decay and disassemble and it feels like your whole world is coming crashing down around you.
And then, it shifts.
how the solar eclipse we had several years ago cast light on my balcony
Something changes, you begin to feel hope, something or several somethings begin to fall into place. You have a revelation in meditation or prayer, you find some kind of understanding, you find a new thing to channel your energy into. You find inspiration. You feel the presence of your Gods. The day begins to dawn and you are not the same person as you were when the night began. You have changed, you have grown, you have discovered that you can survive what you previously thought impossible. You have come out the other side purified, cleansed, victorious, humbled, renewed, encouraged, and expanded. You have gotten rid of what no longer serves you like a cleansing fire. You have changed some habits and formed new ones. You have a new Reason to keep going, even if you can’t see the endpoint yet. You know that it’s there.
In the past, these changes may have come upon us after engaging in a purposeful ritual or rite. Today, in our reletively comfortable and monotanous lives, a dark night of the soul may topple us over like a tornado seemingly out of the blue, precisely because there was no other way for us to gain the insights and development that comes from it. If you don’t seek out the test, the test finds you.
Those are my thoughts, anyway. Us humans are meaning-making creatures, and I am no different. Just trying to make sense of the path of my life, like we all are. Thank you for reading. :)
Great post!
I think things go in cycles, things die and new things are born. We're in a dying time now in the Northern hemisphere as far as the seasons go. Trees going bare, bugs dying or hibernating or whatever they do, birds heading to warmer areas. New things will come next Spring. I guess similar things happen in our lives. Things go well, then they don't, then they do. It seems positive to consider these things some sort of test that we can learn something from.
Yes, we're all trying to make meaning and understand things, and get better as time goes on. Wishing you all the best! :)
Thanks very much! Hope things go well for you too. :)
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I worry a lot of time when it feels I have lost connection with God or when it's been long I prayed
It makes me feel somehow
Yeah, it's hard when you feel cut off from spiritual life. <3